The Best of You

I ran into her today. Her hair was dyed jet-black and cut into ragged angles. She looked incredible. I thought about the man she now calls hers and walked away with a heavy heart. Then that small little voice, the same one that consoles me and pushes me, said, “Be happy for her. There is more waiting for you. Not someone else, but you. Find out who you are and find that balance you need in life. Find the best of you.”

I bit back tears, looked up at the blue sky, and thought of my life. I thought of a time when I fought to live in a hospital bed. I can do better. Not better as in better than her. That would not show her the respect she deserves. No. I can do better in life.

I wonder at times about being single again. Why it had to happen and why I have to be alone. I know why now. It only took me years of thinking and pondering and a chance meeting to resolve. I need this time not to get the best from someone else…but to get the best from me.

Here you go, and may you enjoy.

I have learned to let go of pain. I have learned its lesson and removed its presence from my life. It is the only way to push through in life without having something drag me from behind and hold me back. It is hard. I won’t deny that. But anything in life worth fighting for is hard. It is a reason to fight.

It all started in my childhood and the times I was pushed to the outside and forced to look in. Look into the fun, look into the laughter, but more importantly: to look within. I think my journey as a fighter started in those days. Pain was my worst opponent and always beat me down. To my knees. To the ground. To the dirt. Eat that it said. Eat that and live it.

It followed me. It taunted me. It tempted me. “You can run from me,” it said, “You can take that pill, snort that line, or smoke that joint. But, I will find you time and time again.” It played with me like a predator played with its prey…keeping me alive only to kill me time and time again in the end.

Time and time again. I even leaned on it as a friend leans on a friend. I sometimes wondered if pain followed me or if I followed it. I reveled in it. I licked my own wounds and sewed my own scars. I asked for it again and again. Give me more I said….gimme gimmie gimmie.

Some say that pain feels good. No fuck that. Pain is your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. Pain is a warning signal. Pay attention it says or you will be in a world of agony. I only finally realized a couple of months ago. I came to this conclusion on November 1st, 2007. That day, ironically enough, was eight years after I woke up in a hospital bed with a fractured skull and shattered back. That day, only months ago, was the day I decided to get clean from drugs. I lost everything that day. I lost her. I lost my pride. I even lost the trust of my mother. That hurt more than anything else. I started all over again. One more time.

I survived some really rough times these last number of months. So many moments of confusion and times of sadness…nights spent in solitude with only a pen, paper, and my thoughts. I was lost and yet so found. I put my head down, opened book after book, worked hard, and came out more alive than I have ever felt in my life. I made plans for me and no one else. I started to trust in me. I focused on me. I spent time with me. I became my own teacher.

I stopped looking into a future impossible to predict and took one day at a time. One more day without a drug is one more morning to look proudly in the mirror. That pride grows every single day. I have strength now that I don’t even comprehend. Life has opened up again. I feel like it is truly starting for the first time. I love that feeling. It is not the first time I have tasted it.

I would not be here now unless pain came again. It still visits now and then but we sit and talk like old friends. It tells me what is wrong and lets me figure it out on my own. “Don’t fear me anymore,” it says, “See me for what I am.” I smile more now. Pain is no longer that ravenous, mongrel dog feeding on the empty hole of my soul. It is my companion now. It pushes me. It shows me. It warns me. Be more it says. Be more and the less you will see of me.

It is real. I won’t deny that. But I have decided that happiness is the best way to fill that hole. Do what I want to do and take a risk for what I want in this day and time. Fight for it. Fight for my life. I walk out now into a beautiful sunny day and stare up at an empty sky. I see blue all around me. I see vast potential. I will feel the pain but I will resist the urge to taste it. I will refuse it past the point of warning. It understands.

I am that someone who needs the best from me. I want the best from me. I have not given that yet. No one else but me can give it either. I want the best from me now. Only I can give that. The best of me will be the rest of me.

So I search for balance now. A balance between extreme highs and extreme lows. A steady flow of positive feelings and positive thoughts. I feed on something entirely new now. Something better than I can even imagine. I have never felt so honoured to be in this joy we call life. I am not on this road alone. There are many to keep me company. Walk with me. Learn with me. Live with me. Find the best of you.

Until we meet again, my friends, until we meet again.

“Has someone taken your faith? It’s real. The pain you feel. The life. The love. You’ve got to heal. The hope that starts the broken heart. Your trust. You must. Confess. Is someone getting the best of you, the best, the best, the best of you? Is someone getting the best of you, the best, the best, the best of you? I’ve got another confession my friend. I’m no fool. I’m getting tired of starting again…somewhere new. Were you born to resist? Or be abused? I swear I’ll never give in. I refuse.” – Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters