Saturday, June 11, 2005

A Time of Reflection

It is just sitting there...waiting for me to sit down and type. The screen is ready for my words, the drive is ready to save my memories, but why do I seem unready to do any of that? Oh yeah, I am writing about her, and a time of when I was madly in love, of a time when everything made perfect perfect sense, even if the whole world seemed facked.
Is that what it is? Is that the reason why it has been hard to write? I know there are only so many chapters left to finish, only so many more years to write after I have written so many in the last years...yet this last part is what drains me more than any other. It is the act of going back in time and saying hello, to only say goodbye again.
So, I need to put it out there. I need to get it off my chest so I can continue on, and finish what needs to be finished. Bear with me, people, bear with me. Here you go, and may you enjoy.
To all the women I know, I say I am sorry. To all the women I have wronged some how, some way, some time or another, whether it be friend or lover, no matter I just need to move on. I need to know that it is okay to say that I am worth your tears, that I am worth your thoughts, and that in the end, I always knew I was worth your time.
But now? Here in this present day and time? I am making my own plans for my own goddamn life...I am heading to that setting sun on the horizon to make my own future as bright as that which I travel towards. If she is out there, and I hope to God she is, then I can only hope and pray you are headed in the same direction.
I can only hope you recognize my soul when you walk into my life.
Until then, no mas, just no mas. This man has had it up to the scar between his eyes in lost nights wondering about lost words. I have had enough sadness to last a lifetime for every single one of your trivial reasons as to why it had to end. I respect your decisions, one and all, but no longer will I listen because no longer will I be around to hear them. So, for now, let me pull you all close, let me whisper the things I was never allowed to say, and let me tell you I will never forget...while I say goodbye.
For every plan I made, for every time I lost myself in the softness of skin, the lovely smell of pefume on a hot summer's eve, for every time I gave into the tender taste of lips on mine...for every day that falls behind me, I have decided to take the time to only look forward. After all this is said and done, I have decided I need a break from the lust and want for love, that I need a break from all the silly fairy tales and forever love.
Even when I do not want to let the fairy tale go. But, for my own piece of mind I know I must.
It weighs on me like the anvil weighed on the coyote, like the cat felt chasing after the tweety bird, and it follows me like the moon follows the sun. I need to cast away from it, to set my mind straight and prepare for the glorious life I know is not far off. I need to prepare, mentally, physically, and wholly, for travels on soft sands, for new continents, and for new memories in faraway places.
And, now, I need to write. I feel slightly better, but how can one truly feel better when he knows he has more worth than he is shown? That he is being passed by when all he offers is the world in satori? As always, screw it...I will be my own damn saviour. When I give myself again, it will be for the one who appreciates true spirit, true grit, and who also searches for a true soul. I did not come back from the dead to let life wear me down. Not when, in the end of it all, it is life that shows me the way to true happiness.
Not that far away now, people, and I will be done. Not that far away now, and my story will be out for all to see and read, and I hope to God it shows you a sense of hope and realization that we only have this one life. It is too short to lose ourselves in trivial hurts and misrepresentations of who we think others are. In the end, be yourself, and the rest will follow.
Until we meet again, people, until we meet again.
"Well, I've dropped out, I've burned out, I've fought my way back from the dead...I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the thing that you said. And I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be your love suicide, I'll be better when I am older...I'll be the greatest fan of your life." - Edwin McCain

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Sharing the Circle of Life

Maritime adj. Of, relating to, or adjacent to the sea
Archaic adj. Ancient time period
Racing out to the car, I could feel my heart pounding in anticpation of what was happening...and more so, where it was happening. I was in Port au Choix, a Parks Canada National Historic Site, and there to cover a meeting between children of two local communities on the Island of Newfoundland. I was about to come face to face with the history of my homeland, and see some small examples of cultures from the past 5,000 years.
The amazing thing is that although I was there to write about the experience for the children, in the end their youthful energy brought peace to my heart. This is the story of today's generation embracing yesterday's past. Here you go, and may you enjoy.
The more things change, the more they stay the same. Port au Choix is a modern day example of changing climate, changing people, and the sense that community is alive and well. It has a long history of change and consistency over the last five millennia, and each occupation of it has lasted for centuries. The Groswater Palaeoeskimos, The Dorest Palaeoeskimos, and Europeans, just to name a few, are all generations that adapted to harsh environments and flourished by living off the sea's resources.
Walking along the coast of Newfoundland, in one of its richest archaeological burial grounds in our Maritime Archaic Indian history, I was struck with the timelessness of the place. As we all gathered around a depression of worn grass and old rocks, the interpreter wove a story of how it was once a house, and how it had over 800 years of habitation in that one place.
Imagining it, as it must have once looked, I could picture smoke rising from the dwelling, could hear seals splashing in the nearby ocean, and could almost hear the laughter of children as they ran sledrunners made of bone over rich, black soil.
Not so many hours later, children of Aboriginal heritage, dressed in ceremonial clothing, beat on ceremonial hand-woven drums, and sang songs in an ancient language that told stories from our past. I watched as everyone present, young and old, joined hands to form a circle of dance and celebration. It all comes down to the teaching and education of our youth, people, for it is they who light the way for our future.
It was the sense of time and place I took with me on the way back home. For me, it was not only uncovering layers from our past, but learning about cultures that have withstood the trials and tribulations in the history of our Earth. The same winds that blew around me today were the same winds that buffeted birds in the sky for thousands of years. No, we may not be here for an eternity, but yes, we can leave our mark, and yes, we can show the young that there is a future to look forward to...that there is future to build and leave behind for their youth.
So, take the time to learn a little more, take the time to take a child in your arms and laugh with them, and take the time to teach them the path of truth. After all, in the end, we have nothing but time anyway. Until we meet again, people, until we meet again.
"What guides us is children's responses, their joy in learning to dance, to sing, to live together. It should be a guide for the whole world." - Yehudi Menuhin