What now?

So, I found out my confirmation last night, the one about my friend. You ready for this? He was murdered, then dumped into a dumpster like yesterday's trash, and then set on fire. Who the fuck does that? Who has it in them to take a life and pretend it is nothing? He was on a path of self-alignment, a path of new life, and now he has nothing to leave behind but a legacy of grief. Yeah, I am hurting right now, but I also feel myself shutting down, and turning away from the outside world. All I want are my friends, the ones that understand, and everyone else can go fuck themselves. Is that too much for you? Let me tell you this...it is too much for me.

All around me I feel my world falling apart - from my faded, torn jeans, to my once solid friendship, to the very bottom of my soul. There is so much hurt right now that I cannot even feel it, which only means I will one day in the future...when I least expect it. Do you know what it is that I am really going to miss about Lennie? That I never got a chance to really know him...I was only there for the rising of his spirit and the crashing of his fall. Damn, this is not supposed to be this way, people, we do not say goodbye to our friends in this manner. They are meant to be around when you achieve your success, to relish your ideas, and see you home until the end. Fuck it, fuck it all; just fuck it. Don't let these moments pass you by, do not let the people that mean something to you go unnoticed. Tell them what they mean to you, show them they are important, and never forget what being a friend means.

"Scrawled upon the wall of a bathroom stall
A stranger wrote a note that spoke to all...
One, two, buckle my shoe - take care of me because I might be you."
- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Life or death?

One is happening and the other is going to happen, right? One is offered to us in an inhale, and the other can be taken away in our exhale. I know what it is like to stray from the path and head down the wrong roads, so I also know I will not do it again. I have felt the fear of being lost, and not knowing where to turn next...will it be the right way or a dead-end? That does mean I have to give up? Does that mean that death comes for us all, so we might as well roll over and pretend we already are? Where is the fight in that? What about your will to survive and not only survive; but dominate. Whose life are you living this for anyway? For them, so they can be happy for yours instead of finding it in their own? My man, I have not only seen what the road looks like, but I walked it so I would understand what it felt like underfoot. You cannot make that long journey to the otherside only to turn back and return from whence you came...it doesn't work like that. The key is moving forward, pushing ahead, to be better, smarter, stronger, and made of steel; not of paper mache.

I just found out that I may have lost a friend today, and I say may because I do not know for sure right now. But, it is not looking that good...he was walking on his path when he slipped and fell. Then he got frustrated with it all and started to backtrack. Why did you do it brother? You had life by the balls and life was upcoming for you...your own flesh and blood my man; your own flesh and blood. I was even warned about it but became so caught up in myself that I forgot what being a friend means. Now I am left behind to try and figure it all out. To see someone come that far to fall that behind is not a travesty...it is a mockery. That is not the way to be shown the exit to life, and that is not the proper entrance for the life up and coming.

I woke up over four years ago, in a hospital bed, with wires sticking out of me, and I had a broken back and a fractured skull. Like my friend, I was given a second chance to live, to grow, and to mend my broken wings. I have been wondering in the years since if I was using that knowledge to my advantage...and I now know that I am. Time is not the monster I have always seen it as; when you want it to speed up, it crawls, and when you want it to slow down, it hurtles by with the eagerness of an unmanned locomotive. But, I have come to see that it allows for learning, for seeing, and for loving. Do you have someone you want to tell that you love them but they do not want to hear it? Tell them anyway because you might not know when they aren't around to hear it from your lips.

Rest in peace, my brother. May you now finally have some.

"There are only three sins - causing fear, causing pain, and causing anguish. The rest is only window dressing."
- Roger Caras

Dakine: the shit; the best (Urban Dictionary)...

Random conversations this weekend that varied from some surface, to agruement and debate, and some words about writing. I am doing a lot of that again lately, and starting to seriously progress on my book. It is strange to think that, and then I look down to see that I am. I received an email from a friend of mine from High School - yes, from the Rock - that I have not seen in over 10 years, and just yesterday he asked me how the book was going. So, I am starting to see that people are looking at my site, and that makes me ponder...does that mean you like my stuff? Is it dakine for some? If so, then I haven't even shown anything yet...this is just some of my modern day stylings, some rambles, and, yes, sometimes I may mention angels. But, who out there reading this, knows where I came from? That I survived a lifestyle that almost brought death, and that I have stories coming out of my ying-yang? Did I just write that down? Good because I meant to...I know, I know, but I want to see what pushes people's buttons, what makes them want to become a lost sheep and stray from the main pack. I see myself as an Alpha Male - although my brothers all think they are - and I might be the one to lead you away, since I have been called a little crazy and a bad influence. What bonds can be formed through words that grow strong, and with those that conspire to never allow them to be broken? I have seen many a friend come and go in the last number of years in my life, and others that have survived the burn. Here, I am, forming roots that I will one day most certainly rip up, only to place them down again...in some other place, in some other time. But no matter what you do, make sure they know who you are; make sure you leave your legacy. While there may sometimes be brambles and thorns, at others there will be a rose, or two, to smell along the road. For a reason, a season, and a lifetime...Carpe diem.

"Go write your message on the pavement
Burning so bright I wondered what the wave meant..." - Red Hot Chili Peppers