Skull n. The bony or cartilaginous framework of the head of vertebrates, made up of the bones of the braincase and face; cranium.
Funny...growing up I always had these pains that the doctors use to classify as a migraine. To me, a little boy, it did not really matter what they were called; I just wanted them to go away, so I could go back to playing with my friends. I do not know, maybe it was just me, but that sure did beat getting examined by men in white labratory coats.
The so-called-migraine followed me through my teenage years, and in through my early to mid twenties..then something happened and everything as I knew it changed. Now the headaches I get I just wish they were a migraine again.
These new aches now seem to wrench my mind away from its state of searching, and focus is shifted to the front of my dome. They are now occurring two to three times everyday, in the last year alone, but at least now they only last for 20 minutes or so each time. They do succeed in making this cat think hard about things though, and that usually calls for a story, right? Right. The following is how they make me feel, what they remind me of, and how I really feel about them. Here you go, and may you enjoy.
When I was little, while my friends were out playing in the summer sun, I would be lying down in the dark with a cold and damp facecloth over my eyes to block out the sunlight. Most of those times, my mother would be lying next to me, cradling my head in her arms, and softly smoothing my hair while telling me to let the pain go.
The headaches were not all the time, maybe one or two a month at the most, but when they came they brought time in a bottle...as in, it seemed to stop all together.
Ever reach a point in your life where the pain becomes almost exquisite to your senses? That it becomes so commonplace that it is almost a dull thud in the front of your mind? It is much better that way because otherwise the monster is released, and my world can subsequently go black. It kind of reminds me of a steel trap that closes with a vociferous clanging of the jaws, and then the pressure releases a tad to allow me room to breathe again.
Sometimes it is easy and other times it is not so easy. They may stab behind the eyes, will wrinkle my brow, and always remind me of the night when they truly came about...of the time when I was just allowed room to breathe at all.
Halloween is coming around the corner and I find myself wondering how I am going to spend it this year. To me, it is not a time of celebration of that night, but more so the morning after.
I am coming up on a five year anniversary where everything as I knew it completely changed, and life began for me in a different light. If the only thing I have left, as a side-affect as of that night, are these headaches, well...I have always been used to them and now they wax poetic for what I was granted in return.
It is when they come as bad as they do sometimes, that I raise my hands to my forehead, and feel the scar beneath my fingertips...and what was once unbearable becomes a challenge. The mark left behind, my reason for being, my reason for striving, and my reason for patience. I see it when I wake up, I feel its fire while sitting in class, and I know what it means. It is to live all days like every one is as new as the memory I am creating.
So, I smile through the times when the monster is off its leash, and I smile at the times when it seems I have forgotten to feed it...and there are the times when it fades my world to black. Then I raise my head and smile some more. The crazy thing is that with every passing day I seem to grow stronger and stronger, knowing full well that they too will pass.
If you can smile with every morning rising then you already have the day beaten, no matter what comes your way. Trust me on this, I know it from experience...the more you smile, the more your eyes reflect your outlook on life, and it seems that my smiles only become more genuine as the day unfolds.
They say that experience is what shines most in someone's eyes, so what do you think mine would tell you if we ever crossed paths? Until we meet again, people, until we meet again.
"If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd just rather never even see beauty again. Well, as life gets longer, awful seems softer. And it feels pretty soft to me."
- Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse
