Seperating of the senses...

I wrote not too long ago of the passing of my friend, Lennie, but tonight I will write about a new life instead. My close friend Amy, a Canadian living in Australia, is the new mother of beautiful little Ava Leora. I almost believe I can see Amy's wisdom in her eyes, and essentially already know she will have inherited her mom's wanderlust to boot. They are coming back to our soil in August I think, so I will have to see fit to go visit sometime in the coming year; it would be good to see Vancouver in the summer again. But before I do that, I will be making plans to go back home for the George Street Festival at the end of July. There may be a chance of meeting my brother's new son, the nephew I have yet to hold in my arms, and breath in the smell of new life.

I remember when my phone rang last summer, while I was hanging out with my friend Kim at my Whistler residence. It was my brother calling from the highway somewhere in North Carolina with the news of Connor's birth. He was such a proud pappy and I could hear my nephew gurgling in the background. It was so awesome to know my family was branching out and we were welcoming it with arms wide open. At the time, I was in transition of getting ready to leave the mountains for my move back to the East Coast, beginning school at the age of thirty, and leaving behind one lifestyle for a completely different one; one of scholarly pursuits and not my usual soul search for snow. It had been a year of new openings for me, learning about myself, and travelling so far down the rabbit hole that I had to leave behind a bread trail to locate the exit. I was healing a separated shoulder - the bone still sticks out a sore thumb - and thought I was soon to be heading to meet the woman I wanted to marry.

Quick story while on the topic of life - since mine always seems to be a little more strayed than your normal, everyday versions. Picture this if you will: Imagine having a photograph of a girl years before you meet her, and then have that same female sit behind you in class, not three years later. Imagine not putting two and two together until another fours years down the road. Now see yourself being best friends with her for fifteen years while not even seeing her once, in the last ten of those. Finally, conceptualize going to see her again when she was now a woman... I was returning for an education, yes, but had been in love with her from the time I laid my sixteen year-old eyes on her, and was planning on telling her so. But, on our first night of reunion, I was beat to the punch, as I listened to her tell me she was the one who had been in love with me for the last decade. Now imagine all those variables, plus the addition of both of us being single, and if you have been reading my posts, then you can also refer to my dream. It all made sense because we had spent our friendship always talking about having our rocking chairs picked out together...amazing how two people who seemed so destined to be together could turn out to be so wrong and different from one another. How it could strain a once unbreakable bond, and turn it into pliable jello; until not even the sugar can hold it together. Now imagine not only feeling your heart break, but hearing it as well.

I am not done yet, dear readers, not even by a long-shot...after that, imagine spending time with a co-worker, who when you first saw her, you knew she had something to do with your life. Meeting her when you thought you were with the woman of your dreams, yet feeling guilty for even thinking of her in that way. Imagine that she turns out to be your Kris Kringle pick months later, and your best friend/love of your life, not only picks out the gift for her; but spends twenty minutes wrapping it, and hand-delivering it via you. As in, here you go, here, have Todd because I will be setting him free soon. Sit there one night a few months after that, as she gives you the answer to a personal riddle you have posed to humans for the last three years; ever since you woke up in a hospital bed, full of new life and ready to battle all your demons. Now imagine having to set her free because she is preparing to spend the next three or four years sailing the world, and not only dealing with that, but actually coming to an understanding of it...then not even a month after that, see yourself losing a close friend to murder and an unfair revoked second chance on life. All, one on top of the other...now imagine the fact that you feel stronger than ever, and knowledge of that this too will pass.

Now some will know why I have placed my dream on the top shelf; why I must learn to fashion a hollow from within. For the first time in my life, I see that this is my path, and if we ever do meet it is because we are both headed the same way. Until that day, I will do like always: head up, shoulders straight...now march. Always forward with no regrets, and only maybe a few looks behind over my shoulder. My time is now, what better time is there?

"Scars are souvenirs you will never lose
Past is never far...and did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life...is more than who we are?"
- Goo Goo Dolls

Silent Observer...

It is like I am looking down at myself...I am high above, and below is this solitary figure. It is the side of me that doesn't understand that I am no longer lost, that my life is almost ready; almost, but not quite yet. First, there is my spirit remaining to fight my inner demons, and rid myself of all the things they come between. I want to pound on the window and scream aloud, but why would I? It would come to naught, for I am on a search...a way to tap the void, to empty it, and leave it hollow. That is it, isn't it? To totally understand yourself, you must first step aside and accept who we are. To realize what is meant to stay and what we need to rid our souls of.

Not too long ago, I spoke to a friend about my ghost that lingered behind, and how I felt it was time to lay his image to rest. I have come to see that I was wrong, and instead, I must offer my hand in assistance. It must be my own doing that pulls me out from the depths of my past, and points the way to my future. Alone, I am incomplete and partially assembled, but in making myself, I am stand united and ready to make the journey home. I am so much closer with every passing day, and every morning brings with it renewed hope. Loosen the reins, my man, and let your spirit ride free again.

So, once more, a time is upon me. Actually, it is not once again...it is something I have never been through. To fashion a portion of my soul so it is hollow; a place where the feelings of dis-ease rest before they are dealt with. Once resolved, through rightness and clear vision, I can relinquish them, and release their hold on me.

To my friend on the ground level, I want you to realize that you are closer than you may think. You are on a path of reason, even though it may not seem so right now...at times like these. That is why our time is one of separation; of paths diverging, only to meet again down the road. You know what is more amazing than that? We both know what lies waiting in our future. It always has been, and is now up to only us to walk the last steps.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Caught the waves wrinkle the moon, and they kissed my body just beyond the shore
I talked you into a stone and skipped you across the water...but it was me who was really sinking.
Lay me down
Down on the bottom
Come crashing over me
You'll be a dancer as I try to catch you."
- Wide Mouth Mason

Life in satori...

It is hard at times, times like these, that is...to sit down and study while my mind wanders and my soul experiences images of wanderlust. For some reason, during my rampant Biology session, I had a flash of being in Thailand - warm waters falling from the sky all around us. I say us because there was a girl with me, although I could not see her face, but did have her wrapped up in my arms. Huh...so what does that say? That Thailand is on the future map and that I may see it before this life is done? That I may hold a woman there in a warm, protective embrace and only then will my vision make sense to me? I have this crazy bug-ass imagination that is always running wild, and sometimes it even runs wild while carrying scissors - a dangerous act, I tell you; running wild with scissors because that is how accidents happen and the sane become dubbed the insane. But, back to Thailand, and that girl again...nah, forget it. I will just wait until it happens, and it will happen because I know how my life takes these crazy turns when I least expect them to. The last two years have been full of ups and downs; a crazy roller coaster that has not even reached its half-way mark yet...and is only gathering steam.

Let me start from the beginning for you, my dear readers. About five years ago, I had a dream...not your normal, every-night, sort of occurrence, but, one so real and so true, that it scared me. So, I decided to follow it, to see what might happen if I did. You see, my dream was about a girl, and this girl is the one that I will meet in this lifetime. Many have asked how I know this, and I can only answer that I just know, you know? So, if you don't know, now you know...sorry, I have a tendency to be a fool at times. She had long brown hair, soft eyes, a sexy smile, and a person comfortable in her own skin. She looked at me in a way I have always wanted to be looked at, and I remember sitting and talking with her on some bleachers...then I woke up and she was gone. You ever have that happen before? You meet someone in your sleeping hours, yet somehow know you will meet them again in your waking days? So, anyway, I had the dream, knew I had to find her, and was deciding what I was going to do next - you know, where would I go, when would I start, and all those logistics. Then it happened one random night while I was driving home and listening to a new CD. There was this one song, you see, and it was all about this dream a guy had, and how it involved this girl...how everything she said made sense, and that he knew who she was; yet why he dreamed of her was something he did not have the answer for. It was that night that I realized my life had a purpose, that it had meaning to it, and I saw that I had to embark on a journey...and I have been on it ever since. It was as if some unseen force began pushing me from behind, moving me forward with so much hurriedness; telling me to start now, not yesterday, but today.

That was over five years ago, and in those five years I have come to see so many sights that they have become some of my favorite things...sunsets so beautiful that they look as if painted upon a canvas sky, watching the dawn rise in a sprinkling of dust over the Canadian Rockies, chasing waves across a sandy beach in the beginning hours of nightfall, riding a field of white powder, and so many shared times of laughter with friends. I even survived death in between those years...now, here I am, once again. I came back to the place I always knew I would return, and believed that I had taken the necessary steps to be with her; a time for us together. But, once again, I was wrong. I have come to see that my reason for returning back to my roots was to only silence, yet again, another ghost. Then, I met her...and my world is once more turned upside-down, inside-out, and my dreams are no longer welcome to me.

My friends will read this, and most likely laugh because they already know the story...you know what, though? For the time being, I will be placing it on my top shelf, so it can no longer be a distraction to this lone, sometimes weary traveller. I will be concentrating on other projects, other ideas that need my attention instead. That is not to say it is being forgotten, but only being put on hold...for now. My road awaits.

"Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real."
- Tupac Shakur