A life less forgotten...

Have you ever walked under the cover of rain, and used it as an excuse to freely taste your tears? The last time I did that, I was thinking about the same person as I was today...funny that. There I was, sitting across from her today, when we began our normal routine of learning of who we are, once again. As we sat there, she told me that a friend of hers came up to her last night, and asked if we were together. I was standing across from her at that point, talking to another friend of hers. She looked over at me and said, "No, we are not." The same girl then asked her if I had been hurt before, and Nelly just looked at her; and then I am thinking, she must have looked at me. Is my surface such a slick and glossy veneer, that a person who met me moments before could read that from me? Huh...How many souls are out there that believe their life is judged by another person, family, business, and money? That you must have all these things in order to complete yourself, that you want all these things and will not settle for nothing less. Me? I need other things in my life of a more solid base; to know myself when I look in the mirror, to know that when it came down to walking the extra mile I ran it instead. So, when I stand in front of my maker, I can tell him that I made myself in the best image I knew; my own. To do this, I now know what I must do. I do not believe in being a part of the controlled flock of the masses, but to seperate myself, I must first wage myself into the mix; and rip my life back for my own. Then stand there, and watch as it pants after being winded from its narrow escape, and smiling at me. I owe it to myself, and frankly, no one else. But, I did come to a conclusion on my walk in the rain today. I do owe something to somebody, and it is a debt that will take more than I could have ever imagined of myself. It is to the same woman who granted me life, the same one who is always my biggest fan, and always in my corner. Over four years ago, I hung up the phone and thought I would never hear his voice again; I didn't want to, and even felt like I had done more than my part. Then today, I realized that I am wrong. If I truly want to take my life into my own hands, and rebuuild it, then I must start from the very beginning. It is only suiting that I find out what it is about the man, that would make her decide to have his children. I mean, she is an angel, and so must have seen some good in him, right? So, for her, and maybe a little tiny bit for myself, I will go that extra mile, once again. I cannot let our last words be like that, but I guess that will only be up to him to decide. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance, right? Head up, shoulders straight...now march. Hold on McGinty. Hold on. "Will you take me by the hands and say you understand? Or will you try and drive me down unto my knees? These are chances I must take, and I know I must not forsake your right to do and feel just what you please...But I don't have a lot of time to right the wrongs I left behind; to undo all the damage I have done...So I am calling you to ask for your forgiveness - is that too much to ask of your son? Hey I will be in town tomorrow, can you meet me at the station? There is something I would like to talk to you about..." - Bruce Guthro

Standing on my own...

Just when you think you are all alone in the world, you are proven wrong. I felt like it a few days ago, when everything that has been building up in the last seven months, kind of teemed over its boiling point. A different expectation, a new ideology, old surroundings, minus mountains - these are all the things my eyes have witnessed as of late. I realized that I am not doing what I am meant to be doing, and on top of that, I have no idea what it is I am meant to be doing. So, it seems like the perfect time to switch directions, no? When I spoke of returning to the West Coast, I didn't really mean it, not right now, anyway; and when I talked of travelling down to California, I meant in a few years time. I am here for the next duration of four, maybe five years, unless someone offers me a book-deal in the meantime. I plan on finishing my third draft of my first novel, and then networking that abroad. Like the way I am networking my website - only soon, it will be on a higher level. You know, business cards, and stickers et al. So far, it has been more of my diary, online for all to see, and that is cool for me. I need to hear what people think of my writings, and how they think I may improve them. Soon, I will start to plant seeds of what is to come, and eventually start to set my future straight. For now, I sit and write, and get ready for the end of my first school year, and the upcoming exams. I give thanks to the woman who is investing in my future and who has never given up on me. So, how could I give up now and let her down, hmm?

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Only after you have lost everything are you free to do anything."
- Tyler Durden

Trinity sessions...

I was walking through school this weekend when I spied posters for a discussion on the "Passion of Christ". It intrigued me, and so I headed to the spot on the appointed day, and was only a few minutes late. There were only two girls there, and as I sat down, one had to get up and leave. I made the best of it and proceeded to have a conversation on theology, the life of Christ, the Bible, and especially spirituality...specifically spirituality. I believe that is the true religion people have to embrace because it is the one that comes from within, from your own beliefs and ideas, not from those that were fed to us as children. That it is up to us to walk the road ahead, make our mistakes, and realize that it is okay; that if we slip and fall, we will not be persecuted for our "sins". How will you know if something is wrong if you don't know first-hand? There is a difference between knowing what the road looks like and actually understanding what it feels like under your feet. Just remember the most important thing about who you are - that we are human, and that we are allowed to let down our guards occasionally; that it is okay to have a bad day sometimes. It took a good friend to tell me that yesterday, on a day when I was on little sleep, and the stress of the world led me on the wrong path. Is it normal to forget who you are sometimes? Yeah, it is...and that is so hard to admit but it is needed in the same breath. It is all I can at times; that is, breathe in and breathe out. It is concrete for me, allows me to concentrate on one little act, and attempt to empty my thoughts. They keep me up at night when my defenses are down and out of sight. Just breathe, Todd...just breathe.

Here is why I am finding it hard to breathe - usually, at this time of year, I am in the makings of a major decision. I am deciding whether or not I will move to another location, or return to school. Now, here I am, so desperately wanting to travel and knowing I have to stay put; for the time being, at least. I mentioned yesterday that part of me wants to pack it all up and head back to the West Coast. Nelly looked at me and her eyes searched mine, then said, "You know that is just running away, right?" Once again, how does someone who has only known you for a short time, come to understand you so well? So, yeah, I will be staying here but then right after I am done my commitment to my future I have other plans. I plan on saving money in between now and then, so when it is all said and done, I can buy an old clunker, and bomb my way down the East Coast to the West Coast of California. From there, I will leave everything behind for awhile, and head off on my own walk-about again. Maybe check out the South American Coast for a few months, then ride in the Andes for another, and then make my way to the Orient and teach English for a year. Then, after I have made some money and have some in the bank, I might just head back to the original homeland and share a pint of Guiness with a beautiful Irish lass, and make some cute little Irish kids and...Snap, there I go again, getting way ahead of myself. Breathe Todd, just breathe.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Every problem has a gift for you in its hands."
- Richard Bach

Dropping into the gnar...

Ever drop off a pillow of snow, to a fifteen foot cascade, in which you hit about 30 kilometers? Through a tree run, no less? Where the snow was so deep and soft that you were riding, not snowboarding; gliding, not surfing. The whole time the snow is falling so fat...because the woods you are in are so dense, that they are a tropical snow forest. To me it is the ultimate expression of freedom for the mind, body, and soul of snowboarding. Remembering how that line felt in its infancy, when you were just beginning to hover a surface, leaving a small slash behind you. The genesis of speed, and looking board lengths in front to pick your exit, which is rapidy approaching not twenty metres away. Slicing and checking the mad-on-rush of fuel-pumped-adrenaline, you spy the passage out of this playground in the distance. You lean back tail heavy, back-foot a guided weight, and throw up a rooster of white behind you; up in a plume, falling over your shoulder into your eyesight., and obscurring your vision. But, the line was picked way back when, and you know where to turn, check and jump, right? Bursting between two trees, off that same pillow-top, to land with a whoosh, picking up more speed into the bowl below. Digging deep into the gnar and glancing off, around, and over the buried, small saplings in your path. Here the snow is open with a soft, fluffy base of white; but, it is so deep, it is profound.

That is a memory I had with me today, as I walked along the Bedford Bay, getting drenched in the rainstorm that constitutes spring in the East Coast. An image of riding in Whistler, of last March when it snowed 20 straight days there. And I rode 24 of 29 of them in a row, knowing it would be my last full season in a while.

While I was walking ( and since I can multi-task with the best of them), I started to think about how we can achieve balance in the world - even in our own lives, for that matter. I think it is about those who do understand, and those that do not. At any given points in our lives, we will be both...sometimes both at the same time, as one dawns over the other. Some just want it more than others and others just let it come to them. Makes sense, right? Things change in our lives, and we all must come to conclusions about them, instead of letting them lie as a sleeping dog might. It is funny how this all came from a memory about riding big mountains, beautiful, lush fields of snow...where was I again? Oh yeah, that in those times I would ride, nothing else mattered except my line, my friends, and my family. Depending on the situation, not all necessarily in that order. I am apart of that new breed, the new-age-hippy that embraces technology not sneering at it. A spirituality in which religion is nature: surrounding oceans, salty and clear; distant mountains, green and near. Look at that, I am a poet and didn't know it.

Hey, did you know that Ernesto "Che" Guevara once made a trip around Northern Argentina, by bicycle no less, when he was only 21 years of age? Huh...the things you might find out if only you took the time to read.

"The free lance writer is the one who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps."
- Robert Benchley