We all know what it can be like...you meet someone new, someone enticing to the senses, and they show you what life might be like with them. You want nothing but to be around them, hold them, and excite them. All of this becomes wrapped up into one big package of lovely, finger-licking goodness and sometimes before you know it, the wrapping comes unglued. So, what do we do, you may ask? Well, you can either harp on the loss of wrapping, go out and buy some more of the same, or do what I am going to do: enjoy the ride as I unravel my life and prepare for the future. Just picture me as I am twirling all about in the summer sun, arms all askew, and looking forward; always looking forward...whee-hee-hee. Look at me - I'm spinning like a mad-man, all top and no bottom peeps. Whatever you do, do not bother to stop my momentum cuz where I am going is only where the fortunate get to go. Carpe diem.

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning."
- Albert Einstein

Bam...its not gone but I have no idea where it went. Eventually boarding a boat in the States and sailing around most of the world. A reason, a season, and a lifetime, my friends, that is what it all comes down to. Some come to teach you something or you teach them; whichever it is, their stay is brief and to the point. Then, bam...they are gone. What you take from the time spent, is up to you and up to them, and then we have the next line of learning. Some other people come in for a bit longer to stay and warm their bones, rest their tired minds, and receive instead of leave. Eventually, as all things must, their time comes to an end, and bam...they are gone. This time limit is not quite as short but that depends on the person and how they measure another's importance. Finally, there are those that stay for the duration, bring with them knowledge and burning passion that can never burn out; no matter how much the masses throw water on it. Are they necessarily in your life the whole time or always around in the background? Every time I think I have the answer, I learn that there is more than one algorithm to solve any given problem - that is what makes life the glorious journey it is. I want to travel again, see the world through different eyes, walk foreign soils, and kiss exotic lips that taste like...like something I have never before had the opportunity to taste. Is it time for that now? Or do I stay put and finish what I am beginning? The building of roots only to rip them up again anyway, one day not too far away when I can't take the madness of normal, everyday conversation...yup, once again, my mind wants to reach for that supposedly untouchable level while my soul knows everything is attainable - if we only ask for it. I need answers that are not forthcoming and only can be told by the passage of time...screw it, and screw it all; just screw it. I am going underground and learning what makes my thought so different, so unusual, so...me. World domination, baby. Hell yeah. Bam...there it is in the distance.

"The sun's rays don't bother me, no they cast down such a wonderful heat; masking beauty by a terrible fate...if you fly to close and then you turn too late/ The night still confuses me, we all get tired and sleep eventually; regardless of the sun's demands, regardless if it made much sense...You moved so far that I know how far and you got so sad that I bought a car - yes I will come get you and I will bring you home/ You sat me down and said he was incomplete; he thinks that true love is gonna get him back on his feet/ He says you only find love once in your life, so I guess when you find it, you're gonna hold it right; you hold it right/ It makes no sense cuz there is no sense in it at all and we all wait around for you to get tired and fall...yes your shadow it resumes with me yes your shadow it was made for me/ She speaks clearly he speaks loudly; I speak only clearly loudly...yes my shadow well it resumes with me; yes my shadow yes it was made for me...She told me love will come once in your life and once you find it you will hold it right/ You moved so far that I knew how far and you got so sad that I bought a car - yes I will come get you and I will bring you home; I will come get you and I will say...welcome home." - Sara and Teegan

So I was told today that my writings can sometimes be too heavy...Yup, I can go with that, but it is who I am but yet, at the same time, there is so much more that makes up me. So, for those of you who are interested to see another side of me; here you go.

I dust off my funny ha-ha hat and bring you a story of a semi-rainy, autumn night in downtown Vancouver. I was out street skating with Sean and Heffe - just guys being guys and causing trouble with the local, um, uh...street-life? So, eventually we took refuge from the rain under a bank awning, and attempted to warm our wet bodies. I was standing across from Sean when it happened - Heffe (which means 'Boss" in Spanish) skated by us, and pretended to slip on the wet sidewalk. He kind of grinned at us, and himself, before suddenly his wheel actually did catch in a small innocous puddle. In a split second, the board under his feet shot forward with his back foot still on the grip tape. But his back foot? It slipped off, and somehow someway, kicked back behind him just as his body was falling to the ground. At the same time his body made contact with the cement, his left foot came up and kicked him in the head...Just picture that okay? His leg did not so much fall underneath him so much as it bent back, G.I. Joe style, and kicked his own head. Sean and I just stood there in shock and watched it happen. Heffe jumped up to stare at us with a wild look in his eyes; a question of what he had just felt being true or not. We looked at him, and both said, "Yeah, man, you just kicked yourself in the head!" We all started laughing at what just happened, and to this day I still cannot believe that the human torso is capable of something like that, you know? We are not meant to bend that way, but for that one night, Heffe broke all the rules and made it happen. The last time I saw him was in Vancouver and that was like 3 years ago; I wonder what it is that he is doing now and where he might seehis life going. Sean is a different story and I ended up living with him last year in Whistler - yup, just me, him, and Butta all in a tiny one bedroom apartment, living up the high life of a dream in the mecca that is Whistler. It is funny how some friendships stray and how others are never given the chance to get off the ground.

But that, my friends, is another story for another day at another time - no more heavy stuff, right? Right. Hey, who has two thumbs and loves ice cream? This guy right here (picture the author with his thumbs pointing at his chest for the full effect).

"Ever notice how it is a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal." - Stephen Wright

Have you ever sat back and wondered about the things that cause strife in your life? What would you do if you were able to center in on them and come up with a solution for them? I mean, who wants strife in our life, right? Here is my "strife" and some would kind of laugh at me for it - I have this crazy tendency to have these beautiful women come into my life, fall in love with me, and then something happens to take them away from me. Then I sit back and wonder why they came, what they came for, and why they had to leave me...I talked about this with a close friend last night and she started laughing at me, and called me a lucky bastid. "Todd", she said, "Do you know that most people would give anything to feel love for just one of those times?" Huh, I thought, after we hung up...Huh.

So, here I am again - I didn't want to be here in this same place again, but I had no control over it. After the way things went last time, I had decided to sit back and delve into the underground that is me again. Then, one day, this woman looked at me in a way she never has before, and I was smitten. There, I said it, and now it is out in my open; and therefore, I place it out in her open. I have felt almost kind of shame for starting to fall in love with her, but to say that is to slight her, when she deserves nothing but respect. When something this special comes around, do not grasp tight but let it have room to breathe, as you would ask the same of yourself. Mine has touched me in a place I never knew existed until she came around - how many of us can actually say that? We can read our thoughts before they barely even enter our minds, tell the other, and laugh at how simple it really can be. Time plays a game on us, but that is okay because one day time will be ours. Ours to share, ours to celebrate, and ours to do with it as we may. But, to have that time I am told that I will have to step back and do something I have never done before. I have to go and find a middle ground for the first time in my life - I am a person who has only known one extreme or the next and now I am in the process of learning something new. A middle ground means accepting balance in my life and I cannot find any fault in having balance; could you?

So, if you have a special someone you want to tell how you feel, how they make you feel, or even if they just make you smile...Tell them because you may never know when the chance will come again as life is beautiful; but ever-so-fleeting. Just remember to breathe along the way...

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole world would change." - Buddha

I remember, years ago, sitting on a bench in downtown Nanaimo and pondering what my next step would be. Was I to move to another set of mountains or go back to school? At that same time, I recall watching a sea-plane take flight and leave the calm waters of the harbour in its wake; if only I could have done the same. It wasn't too long after that when my life began to take another form, away from the perfunctory way of daily living until then...My search for her led me to a copy of her, away from her, and into the mountains where I thought she might be hiding out - away from the world and awaiting my arrival. I listened to the words of a song about a dream-girl - one that fit so perfectly that it could not be meant to lead me astray - and my questioning lead me deep into peaks of snow and oceans of soft sand. But, my hunt was one of unfulfillment, sadness, but yet, one of insight and understanding. My last five years were not a waste, but they were needed to spend the time in between to ready myself; to become the man I am on the way to becoming. Along the way though, I passed by and saw so many imitations of the real deal, and they all threw monkey wrenches into my plans. But now? I am where I wanted to be from so many years ago, and even though my reason for coming back was not based on her, it ended up that I would meet her here. I heard a rumour that she loved the mountains and the snow, but I went there and found it to be just that - a rumour and not the truth. How was I to know that it would happen in the most basic place; a place I had left long ago, and upon my return found her there. Not so much waiting for me, but instead, actually planning her departure. That, my friends, is what makes it real to me - that more time is needed to understand my innerself, making myself, and most important of all...wait for her return to me. She is my original in a row of impostors, but our time is not exactly right now...but it is not that far away. How can I know this u may ask? It's pretty easy actually - I have always asked a question for one particular reason...and always held my breath as I waited for the reply. Then, one innocuous night of conversation, I recieved the answer I always wanted. It is that simple...Mine is the story of the shepherd boy who meets his match on the other side of the equator, and who now just has to bide his time until she is ready for me. Huh...life and what it throws at me is the reason why I wake up every morning with a smile, and prepare to take on the coming day. Minus that first groggy half - hour, that is. Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"The rumours of heaven only speed the truth on earth
My dark angel shine your light on my curse
You are the other that I have to find
Until I do, I guess I'll see you round my mind." - Blue Rodeo

How does time and space play into the workings of self? I know I will be breaking down into my root surface again soon, testing out known waters for unchartered territory. What will I find along the way? Just when I think I have the knowledge, the experience, and the skill to exceed, I am hit with another test and another trial...what form of trial is yet to be known. My first school year is soon to be coming to a close, and I have learned a lot of myself over these last few months. I never would have expected any of the twists and turns along the way, nor what was even going to come around the corner anymore. Funny how life works, isn't it? Before I came back to this coast, I made the vital effort of shutting a time capsule and listening to the audible click of tumblers as they fell into place. How was I to know that she was to come along with the combination in hand? Except that it is not meant to be open quite yet...I learn about my heart and soul in each and every new day, but oh, how they take their beatings...I am one who wears his heart on his sleeve and now? Now it is a place of safe-keeping that it stays, and I willingly placed it there. My soul though? Huh...that is another story in itself; one of long roads, long lives, and long-lost searching. Where it has been and what it has seen is something I can only begin to fathom; and so, once again, I begin the fold of time and space. Look into myself and renew that bond of strength of self. Picking up from where I left off not too long ago, and make the journey ahead that much easier. To thine one self be true. Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."
- Douglas Adams

Early morning in Halifax and the burn of a cold winter stays in my bones. I am lucky though because I get to have the heat of a southern american body next to me keeping me warm. We walk along not knowing what comes next and when events happen we are supposed to act natural, like we knew all along it was going to happen. This is new unchartered territory for this man from the rock and I am thankful I am allowed to experience it. I asked for it many years ago and now my future is not forecasted but instead open and ready to be played out. I give thanks for the strength offered, the guidance given, and the patience to continue. My saga rolls along and I aim to make it the best life a man could ask for; we are the vessel and our souls the captain, sailing through the tempest to find our passage of safe harbour.

"You've got to find the force within you." - Joseph Campbell

I sat back the other night and realized something...I am living on the East Coast again. A place rich in culture, history and tradition, but no mountains. You see, we just got hit with a dumpload of snow here on the East Coast of Canada; ninety-five centies to be exact. Yet, here I am in school, just getting back from working on the beginnings of a research assignment. Around this time, I would usually be knee-deep in the gnar, riding off of soft pillows of snow right now, but...no. This is not exactly the time for that, I guess. No, my time now is to read, study, and basically learn about society, how our minds work...and statistics. Yay for statistics, people; yay. But you want to know the truth? I love being a student - I love the fact that I am thirty years old and back in the crux of learning again. I look around and see hallways of knowledge alongside avenues of opportunity. Now, if I could just have a helping of that with snowy mountains to ride...huh. Like they say - you can't have one without the other, right? Not exactly, and only time will tell what may play out with that scenario. Late.

"Mais vale um p ssaro na mao quedois voando". - Brazilian saying

I give thanks for this little postage spot since there are many nights when I cannot sleep and find myself in situations like this...Do I base my life on one day and live it to the fullest potential? Or do I look forward to what may be held in my future stack of cards and play it safe? Nah, screw it I say, and live every day as it is your last...but, but, but nothing I guess, it is up to us, and only us, to control and guide our lives in the direction we want them to go. I used to think that protecting my heart meant sealing it off, but now I think it comes down to just patiently guarding it instead - not closing the door and pasting bricks in front of it because that would not be living everyday as it should be...how do I know what may come around the corner, and what her smile may do to my senses and how her words may effect my conscious thoughts, wants and desires. I know I am a sucker for a beautiful smile, soft skin and close vicinity of touch and taste but aren't we all? Do we all not want that one to fall asleep with, wake up with, and plan our days with? Not so long ago, my future was planned out with rocking chairs all-in-tow but now it is not so, and amazingly enough, I am okay with that. Not so much because I have to be but more so because it now opens the door for the one to walk into my life and make her presence known. I am making myself in the only image I know - my own because that is the one I always knew fit the best. I also know who "the one" for me is, and that has always been...me, of course. How can you give yourself if you are not whole yourself, right? It only makes sense to make yourself first and then they will follow...trust me on this one folks, trust me.

"Whatever ganes are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves." - Ralph Emerson Waldo

Here I am, on a cold winter night, just sitting and thinking...I have all these friends all over this great world - well, okay maybe not ALL over but fairly close - and I find my self thinking of what travelling means to each of us. Having spent the last 5 years on the road, seeing the sights I have, experienced the journeys first-hand, meeting the people I have met and forged bonds of steel...I find myself wondering what comes next? I am here for the next 4 years, in school where I want to be, but I find my mind wondering when I sit down to study, and picture where my feet will lead me on my next flight of fancy. Australia? Nah, I would rather see New Zealand...Uruguay? Nah, I would rather see Egypt...I think my next major trip will be to South America, to check out that land of hot sand and even hotter women; to head to Chile and ride in the Andes mountains, take in the fresh, different air, and just breathe in life...But only after this particular goal is accomplished and not until then. That is what life is all about, is it not? It is to me at the very least. We must soak up all of this life has to offer - to understand what it means to walk sandy beaches, ride off a 20 foot cliff, laugh with new friends, experience the qualities that are up to us to savour. To know the semantics of study, become a scholar so you can initiate, join, and continue any conversation you may become a part of - to know that your comfort zone is so expansive that it is out if sight and just around the next corner waiting to be rebuilt again. Take it in your hands, my friends, take this glorious object we call life and just breathe...Feel it fill your senses, absorb into your internal and escape from your mind like all the stories that scream to escape their dark confines...How they long to be opened and shown to others so that they may share their own, and that we may all laugh...Carpe diem.

"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it; immediately or for the long run." - Henry David Thoreau

Precision

Flame flowing, faith growing, I could never stop slowing
Down into the valley of want and desire
Feet in motion that never seem to tire
Rise above it all, no matter how
Many times you have to stand tall
The road shall rise and the road shall fall
Just follow painted directions
From the map on the wall

Be it me or be it you
My heart stays strong by a mind still true
Winds of change shifting their speed
Pay attention to what they say
And notice what they read

Litter of trees on a steep of white
Bows heavily laden
Oh what a sight
Mad dash for the border
To understand it all; to find some order

My heart stays strong by a mind still true
Winds of change shifting their speed
Pay attention to what they say
And notice what they read

So where am I now and where does it lead
If a soul is cut, will that soul still bleed?
A mind rebuilding and a heart in tatters
Makes the difference in the end, it all still matters

Words to confuse and words to entice
In the long run will need to be precise

To the one who knows me better than anyone else...

Solid Ground

How old is old?
Until my mind runs dry or my blood runs cold?
When will I see my last sun rise or my last sun set?
When goals are made and goals are met?
Desires and offered temptation
Less important than forgiveness and exemption

Not too far down
When the days are short and the nights are long
One day soon I will see you around

My rock in a hard place
The same others like to beat against
Stay solid and stay strong
Then lean your back against mine
To become each other's solid ground

Not too far down
When the days are short and the nights are long
One day soon I will see you around

I see in your eyes what you know is my soul
I can't compromise and I can't let go
For my mind feels the burn and my heart takes the toll
But yet I will stand tall and I will stand strong
Leaning against the rock
On my new solid ground

Not too far down
When my days are short and my nights are long
One day soon I will see you around
Feel the fire warm your bones and know I am your solid ground

The wings of change and how they effect my patterns of growth, initiate removal from situations, and frustrate me so. I would walk amongst mountain paths and feel the north wind blow its current softly over my face, letting me know that change was to soon be upon me, then I would blink, and find myself in transition. Standing in front of an ocean on a foggy summer morning, I felt the wind blow with such force and certainty that if I didn't pay attention, it would find some other way to get to me. Each time I set out on foot alone, with low funds, but always knowing my heart was strong, and my soul ready to soar once again. With every departure, I would find in time that the words "your heart is free" work their way into my conscious, and now it is not so. So, now more than ever, I feel the frustration set in with more ferocity and annoyance because I know I must be patience; I must wait to see what happens next. I will do what I have to, understand the burn of time, and bite my tongue...for now. Who knows what is around the next corner? I cannot tell you that I have an idea but I can tell you this: for every door that closes, another will open...Keep your head up, shoulders straight...now, march. Carpe Diem, and never, ever let the day seize you.

"I can see it in your eyes and what I know in my heart is true - that our love it has faded like the summer run through/ And we will walk along the shoreline one last time together/ Feel the wind blow our wandering hearts like a feather/ But who knows what is waiting in the wings of time...Dry your eyes, we are gonna go where we can shine." - David Gray

So, last night Sof-fie drops by to say goodbye before she takes off back to Quebec, and I said "see ya late" this morning and hurried off to school for my daily dosage of knowledge. But, last night was a different story because Sof-fie gave me a Whistler trail map she carried with her from our time spent there, and automatically my thoughts were back in the mountains. Memories of high peaked, snow-capped steeps, images of riding vertical walls and the feeling of my hand touching those same walls as I ripped along them. How I would leave my mark, scourge their surface, then drop lower and sail off a cliff below. Those weightless, split number of seconds where I understand why Birds chirp and how their wings buffet them along wind currents...that is somewhat of what Whistler is, but you can not place that Mecca of paradise into a "setting" or define something that can only be experienced, lived, and ridden. Powdered fields of perfect loneliness, freedom of the most natural kind, and a deep breath of life's little treasures. Yeah baby, that is whistler, it is so choice and if you have the means I highly recommend it to one and all. If just to do it once, if just to experience an iota of what I have, then you would understand...and if you need a guide,then pay for my way, buy my tickets, and ply me with food and drink; I would be eternally grateful my friend, and you for having me show you the way of the winter samurai. Yeah baby yeah.

"Winter is Nature's way of saying, "Up yours." - Robert Byrne

Sitting here I am reminded of a time in Whistler when I in a quarry of similar sorts. On the one hand I was rich in opportunity and in the other I was flat broke...Both times I could always access a computer to throw my thoughts out into empty walls that would usually reverberate bacl an answer. Now, here I sit in front of a screen, music playing in my ears, and wait to see what will happen next. I have usually compared life to a road, but lately, I have been thinking of it as more of a map - you can read directions from a map, n'est pas? You can follow those directions from a map if you choose, or if not, find an alternate route and proceed from there. Your path is of your own making, your course set and able to be changed, and whatever way you head, you will always find a shorcut of some sort in between. This is where you find the richness of experience, the beauty of choice, and the understanding that we all have to make decisions in life that are not so easy to make sometimes...Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
- Henry David Thoreau

I never know how I am supposed to be on this new leg of my journey. The process of understanding the part pain must play in our lives, the realization that it will always be with us, is not an easy pill to swallow, but what else can I do? I take my lumps along with every other heart that has entered the game only to have the game play a joke on them, and send them back for more time alone. I can take being alone, that is not so bad, but it can be hard when you know you have so much to offer another soul, so much to give and not so much to take...I wake up in the mornings, get ready for school, and try not to think about her, yet she is always on my mind and has been for the last number of years. It just seems to be more prevalent now; in my dreams, my waking hours, and whatever time is in between. I hit the gym, work out aggression, go to classes, and pretend that my heart is not in shambles. But, is it really so though? Sometimes, I lay awake at night - times like these - and think of how I am making the right decisions, acquiring the knowledge to continue on, and for some reason, I know that everything is as it should be. Through it all, I still have the most important thing a person can have...I have myself and I have a future to look forward to. Where I am now is where I have always meant to be, and the travels ahead are full of promise and new opportunities. My only question is this: what about those rocking chairs we always had picked out for each other but were never given the chance to sit in them? Are they still out there, and if so, are they going to begin to gather dust one day? Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Pale winter sun is beating the ground/Why am I throwing away the best thing I have ever found?/And my young heart is in tatters and I'm sure that it will be a long time healing/it is so hard to see what I'm doing this for...when loneliness is all that I am feeling/Stole my time, all my time, spend my time for you/Now the wind it is blowing, blowing leaves from the trees, I've got no use knowing that in time it will ease/I don't know where I am going, I hope I get there soon because my soul is as hollow as the sorrowful moon." - David Gray

The art of gathering dust is not for all interested parties, but only for the brave of heart. Step #1 is to have your heart broken enough times that you feel it seal slightly and begin the soft freeze. Step #2 is to move forward, never give up on hope or love, and place one foot in front of the other. Step #3 is to tear down the comfort zone you have placed around yourself, and rebuild again, then tear down those new walls, and rebuild rebuild rebuild. Through these steps you are able to find out who you really are, what you are really made of, and gather an inkling to where your next steps will lead...Step #4 for me was to return to school after a hiatus of drugs, drink, snow culture, loss of friends and love along the way. Now, here I am, ready to start all over again, and rebuild what tatters remain. Did I say tatters? Oops, sorry I meant to say rebuild all that matters...as in I matter, where I am going matters, and one day I will make sense of why we choose the roads we choose, and why they can make such a difference in our lives. Carpe diem peeps, and never ever let the day seize you. Late.

"I've got no reason but that I must/maybe I feel like I've been gathering dust/I must leave this harbour for the sea/I'm too young to settle down and make a home/But I don't know where I'm wanting to be...I just know I have to be there alone...Stole my time, all my time, spend my time for you." - David Gray

The road we travel on is only as hard as we make it out to be. All the twists and turns we come across are easily met, decided upon, and then we must continue from there...not much to really say on my first blog, but, hey, all these pressures without a deadline can play havoc on anyone, right? Right? Well, am I not right?