Dakine: the shit; the best (Urban Dictionary)...

Random conversations this weekend that varied from some surface, to agruement and debate, and some words about writing. I am doing a lot of that again lately, and starting to seriously progress on my book. It is strange to think that, and then I look down to see that I am. I received an email from a friend of mine from High School - yes, from the Rock - that I have not seen in over 10 years, and just yesterday he asked me how the book was going. So, I am starting to see that people are looking at my site, and that makes me ponder...does that mean you like my stuff? Is it dakine for some? If so, then I haven't even shown anything yet...this is just some of my modern day stylings, some rambles, and, yes, sometimes I may mention angels. But, who out there reading this, knows where I came from? That I survived a lifestyle that almost brought death, and that I have stories coming out of my ying-yang? Did I just write that down? Good because I meant to...I know, I know, but I want to see what pushes people's buttons, what makes them want to become a lost sheep and stray from the main pack. I see myself as an Alpha Male - although my brothers all think they are - and I might be the one to lead you away, since I have been called a little crazy and a bad influence. What bonds can be formed through words that grow strong, and with those that conspire to never allow them to be broken? I have seen many a friend come and go in the last number of years in my life, and others that have survived the burn. Here, I am, forming roots that I will one day most certainly rip up, only to place them down again...in some other place, in some other time. But no matter what you do, make sure they know who you are; make sure you leave your legacy. While there may sometimes be brambles and thorns, at others there will be a rose, or two, to smell along the road. For a reason, a season, and a lifetime...Carpe diem.

"Go write your message on the pavement
Burning so bright I wondered what the wave meant..." - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Just one of those days?

The day went kind of smooth today; had class, went to class, and dropped off some things downtown. Spent most of my day at school, in and out of it, and then hung out at a friend's place. Got into this huge conversation about American soft power, and Republics, brushed across Ernesto Guevara, and even touched on the Boston Tea party; or the origins, there-about. Briefly mentioned writing and allowed time to focus on the upcoming future. But, mainly on civilization, and where it is headed. What I am doing in school and all that jazz; then, somehow, someway, a little bit later, the conversation focused on my English Professor. She is pretty cool, but one of the last people I thought would know in common with a perfect stranger. He mentioned the first name of a friend of his, then noted something about her, and I supplied her last name for him. Huh...it is one of those things that kind of tap you on the shoulder and go, "Hey, you need to pay attention to this." You, see, my English Professor is the one that will be editing my book - and if you are reading this, I am working dilligently on it - and it all seemed like a little sign. One of those puzzle pieces fitting together, so to speak. It makes me realize that my calling is to be a writer, that all these things happen for a reason, for my own purpose. It is like another friend of mine, Caitlynn: we both know the same person, and in the same fashion, we both found out by my giving a description of something, and her acknowledgement of the same place. She mentioned a friend who talked of it, said her first name, and I dallied up her last. She also died a few years ago, not too many summers ago. And Caitlynn's connection to writing? Only that the last time she wrote for herself, was when Katie Maddox died. Funny hey? Not funny ha-ha, or funny amusing, and definitely not funny like a clown. I miss her sometimes, and I have her picture on my wall so I know she is always around. Tonight also taught me that I love the art of conversation, even though it sometimes seems to be getting fazed out. The things you may find out if you only listened instead of waiting for your turn to interrupt.

"Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul."
- Oscar Wilde

Down comes the pedestal...

Peaceful: (peece-ful) adj. peace; free from worry, trouble, etc.

Warrior: (worr-ee-ur) n. a soldier or fighter experienced in battle

I spoke to her tonight about so many different things, the most important being us. The fact that she is playing the game safe from all angles, and more than that; that I cannot do it anymore. It takes so much of me to tell her what she means to me, only to have her tell me that she does not feel the same. You know what sucks more than that? The idea that she hides from me...I know I am going to pay for that, but I could not say it tonight. I told her it will be the last I speak of it to her, but it will not be the last I write of it. How many of you out there have had a person touch you in a place you never knew existed? She has and I cannot help but tell her what that means to me...what she means to me. This is not a sad story people, it is not meant to make you cry, or feel similar emotions, or anything like that. It is my way of understanding why things happen to me in my life, why these angels seem to feel that I am a place of solace and compassion. Tonight, I spoke of a pedestal that is built for two - that the person in my life would be up there with me, to view our world together. I was wrong...it took another woman to explain that to me tonight. A pedestal is not what is needed, for they are usually made of soft crystal, and bound to come crashing down around you. A platform is key, yes, but it is one that will be built with two sets of hands, not one; and will be built in tandem, not man-made. This is the hardest thing I will ever do, to deny feelings, and keep my thoughts hidden from her. I just cannot go on like this anymore, I am just not able to do it to her, but, especially, will not do it to myself anymore. You know what is really funny about it all? She understands...of course she understands because that is Nelly's way, right? She speaks of signs, and I plan on disregarding the ones that come my way. I only know of the most important sign of them all: That I am on the right path, and finally headed in the right direction again. When it all comes down to it, I am doing this for me because when the time comes for her, and she sees me for who and what I truly am...then I can look her in the eyes and see the truth for myself. Like I told her - she will either give me mine back, or grant me something in return. I am sorry, but I do hope you understand why I am doing what I am doing. Who am I kidding...of course you understand.

"Para o bom entendedor, meia palavra basta."
- Brasilian saying

A life less forgotten...

Have you ever walked under the cover of rain, and used it as an excuse to freely taste your tears? The last time I did that, I was thinking about the same person as I was today...funny that. There I was, sitting across from her today, when we began our normal routine of learning of who we are, once again. As we sat there, she told me that a friend of hers came up to her last night, and asked if we were together. I was standing across from her at that point, talking to another friend of hers. She looked over at me and said, "No, we are not." The same girl then asked her if I had been hurt before, and Nelly just looked at her; and then I am thinking, she must have looked at me. Is my surface such a slick and glossy veneer, that a person who met me moments before could read that from me? Huh...How many souls are out there that believe their life is judged by another person, family, business, and money? That you must have all these things in order to complete yourself, that you want all these things and will not settle for nothing less. Me? I need other things in my life of a more solid base; to know myself when I look in the mirror, to know that when it came down to walking the extra mile I ran it instead. So, when I stand in front of my maker, I can tell him that I made myself in the best image I knew; my own. To do this, I now know what I must do. I do not believe in being a part of the controlled flock of the masses, but to seperate myself, I must first wage myself into the mix; and rip my life back for my own. Then stand there, and watch as it pants after being winded from its narrow escape, and smiling at me. I owe it to myself, and frankly, no one else. But, I did come to a conclusion on my walk in the rain today. I do owe something to somebody, and it is a debt that will take more than I could have ever imagined of myself. It is to the same woman who granted me life, the same one who is always my biggest fan, and always in my corner. Over four years ago, I hung up the phone and thought I would never hear his voice again; I didn't want to, and even felt like I had done more than my part. Then today, I realized that I am wrong. If I truly want to take my life into my own hands, and rebuuild it, then I must start from the very beginning. It is only suiting that I find out what it is about the man, that would make her decide to have his children. I mean, she is an angel, and so must have seen some good in him, right? So, for her, and maybe a little tiny bit for myself, I will go that extra mile, once again. I cannot let our last words be like that, but I guess that will only be up to him to decide. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance, right? Head up, shoulders straight...now march. Hold on McGinty. Hold on. "Will you take me by the hands and say you understand? Or will you try and drive me down unto my knees? These are chances I must take, and I know I must not forsake your right to do and feel just what you please...But I don't have a lot of time to right the wrongs I left behind; to undo all the damage I have done...So I am calling you to ask for your forgiveness - is that too much to ask of your son? Hey I will be in town tomorrow, can you meet me at the station? There is something I would like to talk to you about..." - Bruce Guthro

Standing on my own...

Just when you think you are all alone in the world, you are proven wrong. I felt like it a few days ago, when everything that has been building up in the last seven months, kind of teemed over its boiling point. A different expectation, a new ideology, old surroundings, minus mountains - these are all the things my eyes have witnessed as of late. I realized that I am not doing what I am meant to be doing, and on top of that, I have no idea what it is I am meant to be doing. So, it seems like the perfect time to switch directions, no? When I spoke of returning to the West Coast, I didn't really mean it, not right now, anyway; and when I talked of travelling down to California, I meant in a few years time. I am here for the next duration of four, maybe five years, unless someone offers me a book-deal in the meantime. I plan on finishing my third draft of my first novel, and then networking that abroad. Like the way I am networking my website - only soon, it will be on a higher level. You know, business cards, and stickers et al. So far, it has been more of my diary, online for all to see, and that is cool for me. I need to hear what people think of my writings, and how they think I may improve them. Soon, I will start to plant seeds of what is to come, and eventually start to set my future straight. For now, I sit and write, and get ready for the end of my first school year, and the upcoming exams. I give thanks to the woman who is investing in my future and who has never given up on me. So, how could I give up now and let her down, hmm?

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Only after you have lost everything are you free to do anything."
- Tyler Durden

Trinity sessions...

I was walking through school this weekend when I spied posters for a discussion on the "Passion of Christ". It intrigued me, and so I headed to the spot on the appointed day, and was only a few minutes late. There were only two girls there, and as I sat down, one had to get up and leave. I made the best of it and proceeded to have a conversation on theology, the life of Christ, the Bible, and especially spirituality...specifically spirituality. I believe that is the true religion people have to embrace because it is the one that comes from within, from your own beliefs and ideas, not from those that were fed to us as children. That it is up to us to walk the road ahead, make our mistakes, and realize that it is okay; that if we slip and fall, we will not be persecuted for our "sins". How will you know if something is wrong if you don't know first-hand? There is a difference between knowing what the road looks like and actually understanding what it feels like under your feet. Just remember the most important thing about who you are - that we are human, and that we are allowed to let down our guards occasionally; that it is okay to have a bad day sometimes. It took a good friend to tell me that yesterday, on a day when I was on little sleep, and the stress of the world led me on the wrong path. Is it normal to forget who you are sometimes? Yeah, it is...and that is so hard to admit but it is needed in the same breath. It is all I can at times; that is, breathe in and breathe out. It is concrete for me, allows me to concentrate on one little act, and attempt to empty my thoughts. They keep me up at night when my defenses are down and out of sight. Just breathe, Todd...just breathe.

Here is why I am finding it hard to breathe - usually, at this time of year, I am in the makings of a major decision. I am deciding whether or not I will move to another location, or return to school. Now, here I am, so desperately wanting to travel and knowing I have to stay put; for the time being, at least. I mentioned yesterday that part of me wants to pack it all up and head back to the West Coast. Nelly looked at me and her eyes searched mine, then said, "You know that is just running away, right?" Once again, how does someone who has only known you for a short time, come to understand you so well? So, yeah, I will be staying here but then right after I am done my commitment to my future I have other plans. I plan on saving money in between now and then, so when it is all said and done, I can buy an old clunker, and bomb my way down the East Coast to the West Coast of California. From there, I will leave everything behind for awhile, and head off on my own walk-about again. Maybe check out the South American Coast for a few months, then ride in the Andes for another, and then make my way to the Orient and teach English for a year. Then, after I have made some money and have some in the bank, I might just head back to the original homeland and share a pint of Guiness with a beautiful Irish lass, and make some cute little Irish kids and...Snap, there I go again, getting way ahead of myself. Breathe Todd, just breathe.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Every problem has a gift for you in its hands."
- Richard Bach

Dropping into the gnar...

Ever drop off a pillow of snow, to a fifteen foot cascade, in which you hit about 30 kilometers? Through a tree run, no less? Where the snow was so deep and soft that you were riding, not snowboarding; gliding, not surfing. The whole time the snow is falling so fat...because the woods you are in are so dense, that they are a tropical snow forest. To me it is the ultimate expression of freedom for the mind, body, and soul of snowboarding. Remembering how that line felt in its infancy, when you were just beginning to hover a surface, leaving a small slash behind you. The genesis of speed, and looking board lengths in front to pick your exit, which is rapidy approaching not twenty metres away. Slicing and checking the mad-on-rush of fuel-pumped-adrenaline, you spy the passage out of this playground in the distance. You lean back tail heavy, back-foot a guided weight, and throw up a rooster of white behind you; up in a plume, falling over your shoulder into your eyesight., and obscurring your vision. But, the line was picked way back when, and you know where to turn, check and jump, right? Bursting between two trees, off that same pillow-top, to land with a whoosh, picking up more speed into the bowl below. Digging deep into the gnar and glancing off, around, and over the buried, small saplings in your path. Here the snow is open with a soft, fluffy base of white; but, it is so deep, it is profound.

That is a memory I had with me today, as I walked along the Bedford Bay, getting drenched in the rainstorm that constitutes spring in the East Coast. An image of riding in Whistler, of last March when it snowed 20 straight days there. And I rode 24 of 29 of them in a row, knowing it would be my last full season in a while.

While I was walking ( and since I can multi-task with the best of them), I started to think about how we can achieve balance in the world - even in our own lives, for that matter. I think it is about those who do understand, and those that do not. At any given points in our lives, we will be both...sometimes both at the same time, as one dawns over the other. Some just want it more than others and others just let it come to them. Makes sense, right? Things change in our lives, and we all must come to conclusions about them, instead of letting them lie as a sleeping dog might. It is funny how this all came from a memory about riding big mountains, beautiful, lush fields of snow...where was I again? Oh yeah, that in those times I would ride, nothing else mattered except my line, my friends, and my family. Depending on the situation, not all necessarily in that order. I am apart of that new breed, the new-age-hippy that embraces technology not sneering at it. A spirituality in which religion is nature: surrounding oceans, salty and clear; distant mountains, green and near. Look at that, I am a poet and didn't know it.

Hey, did you know that Ernesto "Che" Guevara once made a trip around Northern Argentina, by bicycle no less, when he was only 21 years of age? Huh...the things you might find out if only you took the time to read.

"The free lance writer is the one who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps."
- Robert Benchley

Guerrilla tactics...

Imagine watching birds circle overhead on a hot and sunny, summer morning...now imagine seeing the same image framed by the bars of your prison cell window. Such is the fate of Sherman Austin, a 20 year-old student of life; not a conformer or a matyr, but a believer. His is the story of stolen youth - of prosecution, litigation, and now, seemingly, persecution. Sherman was only interested in advising against wrongful propaganda, and instead found his rights to "freedom of speech" revoked. If the intelligence of one such as Austin is repressed, then where is the world headed? Austin started a website (www.raisethefist.com), in which his main objective was only to inform, educate, and forewarn the coming of our future; and instead someone found a loophole to squelch his voice. Unknowingly, one of his sponsored links led to another called the "Reclaim Guide", a bible of sorts on how to make rudimentary bombs, and various methods of disrupting protests. This lead the FBI to believe Austin was the author of how to instigate and cause anarchy; that the young man was on a mission and that his goal was to blow up, to dissolve the Utah Winter Olympics...please, are you serious? Did they ever take the time to really listen to his words? I have not even yet as I only learned of his plight as of yesterday. The more I look into it, the wider my eyes grow with disbelief.

The totalitarian regime that is the United States is out of control - the idea of George Orwell's "1984", is coming true to life before our very eyes. We are the "Big Brother", with our 24 hour "total reality" view on modern day life; our ability to gaze into a person's privacy is open for one and all to see on prime-time television. So many people out there are sheep, following the pack with their head down, eyes closed, and content to graze on the controlled means of information. Then, you have someone valiant and ballsy enough as Austin to come along, rock the system a tad, and he is put behind bars; his balls now placed on the cutting block for all to see as an example. Think of Ernesto "Che" Guevara, a doctor, a revolutionist, a man whose patriotism was so strong that they ended in his execution - and after his death the cutting away of his hands and feet as an example, once again. But they could never cut away his voice, and that his words were stronger than their swords. Upon looking for more information on Guevara, I came across his writings, and and...my god, the man was taken from us because he spoke the truth. He sought balance in human life, a sense of individual control over one's ideas, and that education was the key to all locks. These are the people that are put down, silenced, and left to die while they rot away under their chains. But what about the masses? Are we not larger and stronger than the power elite? Are there not a multitude amongst us that believes in fabricating the right path so that others may emulate our lead? Stand up and fight for what is yours; the right to speech, the right to education of the soul, and fight against the mental slavery of the masses. Become a shepherd, and not one of the flock. The revolution has only yet begun is only in its infancy stages, my friends. It is in mine, at the very least, and will only grow from here...Knowledge is the key and now just show me the lock.

"To sum up, the fault of artists and intellectuals lies in their original sin: They are not truly revolutionary. We can try to graft the elm tree so that it will bear pears, but at the same time we must plant pear trees. New generations will come who will be free of the original sin. The probabilities that great artists will appear will be greater to the degree that the field of culture and the possibilities for expression are broadened." - Ernesto "Che" Guevara

The long walk-about...

Home means so much to every different person, but what does it mean to you? Emotions and feelings are the same for every person, yet on an individual level they are so much more. What is happiness to as compared to me? What makes you sad may not necessarily bring tears to my eyes, right? So why then, do people lump themselves into a big old batch with the rest of the world? We are as opposite from each other in any way possible shape or form...it is the understanding of these ideas that keep us connected. That we all, at various points in our lives, have felt an emotion that rocked us to our very core. We have felt such joy that life has never felt better than it does at that very moment; a contentment in who we are, what we are doing, and, of course, where we are headed. This is the first time in years that I will be in place for longer than a season, for longer than nine months. I called my friend Butta the other day and she apologized for not having called me in a while. In Whistler, time does not exist, my man. You have time for beginning of season, and then you need to figure out what you will do with the time you will have left after season. I am always writing about the anamoly called time, but we all do lose way too many hours debating its meaning. Blah blah blah and some yadda yadda yadda and you may get my drift. I just want to make it home again one day, soar amongst the skies once again, and feel my heart be free from the moorings that so desperately want to keep it tied down. Cut it all free, and throw off your shoes...go for a walk-about on a sunny morning, feel the soft grass under your heels, or maybe a sandy beach - where ever you go, just make sure to pack a light lunch in case you get hungry along the way. You never know how long you might be gone for, right? Or if you even want to return to from whence you came.

"Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough, but not baked in the same oven."
- Yiddish Proverb

Born before the wind...

Numbness: Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent

I sat and listened to her words last night until the early morning came...At one point she asked me where I was, and when I said I was lying in bed, she told me to get up and go to my front door. When I got there, I saw it was snowing outside, and told her so. She said, "Yeah, Todd, someone shook the bubble." I stood there for a few minutes, my head pressed against the door still, and remembered the days when someone would shake the bubble. I would wake up to the sounds of cannons booming in the not-so-far-distance, and knew it was going to be a great day. They would drop their bombs to loosen snow and make it possible for the riders to lay their fresh lines...You know the people; the ones sitting in the chair lift with you, while you are terrified by the buffeting winds and the ever-so-bitter-cold, wondering why you didn't go to Bali for your vacation this year; and we are the ones next to you hollering and screaming into the wind, full of piss and vinegar, and waiting to go rip up the gnar.

Yet, there I was last night, so removed from that place, and instead, standing inside while looking out at a parking lot slowly fill up with the white fluffy white powder I love so much. She even said as much, that, "I know it makes you happy when it snows, Todd." How does someone come to know you so well when they have only known you for so long? Is it because I put my heart out there too much, too easy, and for the last time? Yes, that's right...for the last time. This man has been through much in too short of time to go through it all again. I say it here, for all to see, that I give up the search and let her return to me. That doesn't mean the one who is now to be leaving in a short time either; for I do not believe she is returning to me after all. I only await her return for she is the safe-keeper of something I have no need of right now, and at least, I know she will keep it in a harbour of safe passage.

I never knew when it would be that I would come to this place. It is horrible, and not so nice, but at least, there is no more sadness involved. Now, I can shut off that which has begged to be closed for so long, and yet in all my selfishness, I could not acquiesce. But now? Now is a different story, as I heard words last night that I was unexpecting to hear, yet knew they would not be far away. Angels fall from the sky all the time, did you know that? They want to know what it feels like to be human, to feel pain, to know sadness; to not be so perfect anymore. For some benign reason, some seem to fall right into this man's lap because this is the second one to fall on me in the last four years. Make sense to me though because who is to say that I have not fallen myself during that same time. Now, I will walk again, go and find who I am again, and finally mend my broken wings. Maybe someday, someone will ask me again what pears taste like to me...and really want to know the answer. Feel the north wind blowing and see me standing strong in its breeze.

"Now the wind it is blowing, blowing leaves from the trees
I have got no use knowing that in time it will ease
I don't know where I'm going
I hope I get there soon
For my soul is as hollow as the sorrowful moon"
- David Gray

Irrational Beliefs

What you think you know about yourself, is held tightly in your fist, and you are deathly afraid to open your hand. Inside are all the beliefs you have of who you may think you are: if you are worthy of another's time and affection, if you are ready for life, if you can make it in this life...If, if, if - if only you could see that they are all just irrational beliefs that are so easy to rid yourself of - just open your palm to the wind and let the dusts of time catch them and carry them away from you. It is not so much as letting them go, as it is understanding them and the fact that they have no place in your life, and most definitely have no place in where you are headed. It is that easy and the only hard thing about it is taking the time to listen to your internal wants and know that they are the ones that make sense; they are the ones that push you forward with an intensity to be more...see more, want more, and become more. That is what makes me release my open palm to the wind and let the flow of time take care of the rest. Throughout out it all, I pay attention to the falling sands within the hourglass because no matter how little time I think there is left - I can always see there is more than enough to accomplish what I came for. Yeah baby. Yeah.

"Time is the fire in which we burn." - Gene Roddenberry

What if you only had 24 hours left in this world? How would you spend it? Who would you spend it with and where would you spend it with them? I just finished reading a book that was based on the idea of dying at a certain fixed age, and then awakening at a younger fixed age. This would happen to you over and over...and over again. Just imagine the things you thought you could fix, repair, and completely remodel. A friend of mine gave me that book and said she thought it was the best she had ever read; that is, until she reads my mine - her words and not mine. I mean, I look at the fact that my path was on the same line as the novel; except mine was real and not fictional. I was allowed to wake up with my memories intact, not new ones that are yet to be made. I was also black for 24 hours, and do not remember like almost two days in my life. But you know what? I was surrounded by loved ones who never left my side, and I was in the thoughts of so many others. So remember this when you are out walking, and you think that you are all alone...you are never by yourself when someone else is thinking about you. Even those who only come in for a season mark a strike that forever stays in your memory, right? It just seems that they may be forgotten when suddenly they are out walking alone and in need of a friend. Once again, I always feel that I am always sheltered in that sense as I have people who look at life the way I do, and so we make sure to always be around one another. Not just for 24 hours but a lifetime.

"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life; It goes on."
- Robert Frost

You know what I really want? Someone who would just rent - or maybe even steal...okay not steal because that might mean jail time with a large man named Bubba - a car with me and just drive. Go down the eastern seaboard coast and make our way across lousy America until we made it to California. There we could stop by my friend's tattoo shop and get some ink drawn in, and just hang out on the beaches drinking tequila until the sun dropped down into the pacific ocean...then - of course my road partner would be female - we would fall asleep on the beach, under the stars, and with only a wool blanket to keep us warm.So, one day I could tell my kids what wild and crazy things their father has done and what he used to think of, and then I sit back and ask this question: so does that mean that age brings wisdom or does wisdom come with age? What about experience and the taking of a chance now and then? Does that not add the element of risk into the formula of life? Man, without those thoughts coming into prevalence, I find that existing is not enough, and that we have to do our own episodic release from the everyday to push the envelope - life is too mundane enough as it is, you know?

But, here is something I can understand...I worked until late the other night, and walked home just for the sake of breathing fresh salt-ocean air - minus the fact that I hate paying a cabbie just to SIT in his car. The night air had been brisk but not cold, and my thoughts were as numb as an inuit in his igloo...ahahaha that was a funny analogy; damn I crack myself up. Anyway, I digress, and return to the fact that the ocean was beautiful that night. The lights on the shore lit up up the breezy waves, and the train roosts were silent in their motions. For a few seconds, I stood still and absorbed my life, and all I could do was laugh; and then smile at what I have to give thanks for. Friends, an amazing woman I call Mom, a future in satori, and the makings of something I have never experienced coming around the corner. It is so big that it cannot be contained in my hopes and dreams; it is that big. It may even be years away for all I know, and for all I know that is okay for this man. This man they call Todd, that is. Carpe diem my friends...carpe diem.

"How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a dreary world." - William Shakespeare

Nights alone, nights like these, are so important for the soul - nurturing your inner garden, so to speak. I remember a few summers ago, when I was in between Vancouver Island and Lake Louise, living in suburban hell with my Mom - the suburbia was hell and the heaven was the woman I call Gail; an angel in disguise. My brother and I were at odds...not seeing eye to eye and it hurt me so. I thought I was with the woman of my dreams - someone who would listen to my ramblings and add her own thoughts in, but a few months later that would fall apart. Anyway, this is not a story of sadness or regret - since I do not believe in regret - but, instead it is a story of how important solo time is. The moments or hours, even days and weeks of your life when you are on your own without anyone else to invade your space. That summer was a mad-thinking episode for me - actually, every waking second is for this cat - and I would spend my nights hanging out in the hot, dry, sweltering heat just preparing myself for what came next. There was a man-made lake not minutes from my house and I would usually go for a 2 or 3 am early morning saunter around it to clear my thoughts. At one apex of the walk I came across a park, and it was there that I encountered a side of me that most usually consider too childish. In all the calamity of my thoughts and wondering I was able to focus on a set of swings right in front of me, just waiting to be sat on...so I did. I sat there for a few hours, swinging to and fro, the whole time smiling with unfettered happiness that only comes from such an innocent act. I went over where I was from, what I had done, what I had seen, and most importantly, for an hour or so...was not allowed to ponder where I was going. Not to be narcissistic, but I have been told that I have a gift and I wonder, at times like these, if I am using it to its absolute advantage; its absolute meaning. There is something more for me and I was allowed a chance to find it, right? You do not go through what I went through, survive an awakening of that extreme, just to live a life less ordinary, right? Right...and, so from this moment on, I make a conscious decision to make my life in the image I have always spoke of, to make my life as a writer; to make my life worth writing about and to realize what has come before is what makes that which awaits in the future. I am not big on dedicating to many but in this piece I do it for three ladies in my life...the one who has never left my side since the day I was born, and to this very second had always been my biggest supporter. The second is one who has been there for half of my life, had always known I would one day make it as a writer, and will not let me be anything else other that - and has told me in those exact words...my best friend and always will be. The other? Huh...she is heading out on her very own solo walk-about in the not-so-distant-future and when she goes, so goes my heart. Thank you ladies...Carpe diem and never ever let the day seize you.

"Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back; a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country." - Anais Nin

We all know what it can be like...you meet someone new, someone enticing to the senses, and they show you what life might be like with them. You want nothing but to be around them, hold them, and excite them. All of this becomes wrapped up into one big package of lovely, finger-licking goodness and sometimes before you know it, the wrapping comes unglued. So, what do we do, you may ask? Well, you can either harp on the loss of wrapping, go out and buy some more of the same, or do what I am going to do: enjoy the ride as I unravel my life and prepare for the future. Just picture me as I am twirling all about in the summer sun, arms all askew, and looking forward; always looking forward...whee-hee-hee. Look at me - I'm spinning like a mad-man, all top and no bottom peeps. Whatever you do, do not bother to stop my momentum cuz where I am going is only where the fortunate get to go. Carpe diem.

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning."
- Albert Einstein

Bam...its not gone but I have no idea where it went. Eventually boarding a boat in the States and sailing around most of the world. A reason, a season, and a lifetime, my friends, that is what it all comes down to. Some come to teach you something or you teach them; whichever it is, their stay is brief and to the point. Then, bam...they are gone. What you take from the time spent, is up to you and up to them, and then we have the next line of learning. Some other people come in for a bit longer to stay and warm their bones, rest their tired minds, and receive instead of leave. Eventually, as all things must, their time comes to an end, and bam...they are gone. This time limit is not quite as short but that depends on the person and how they measure another's importance. Finally, there are those that stay for the duration, bring with them knowledge and burning passion that can never burn out; no matter how much the masses throw water on it. Are they necessarily in your life the whole time or always around in the background? Every time I think I have the answer, I learn that there is more than one algorithm to solve any given problem - that is what makes life the glorious journey it is. I want to travel again, see the world through different eyes, walk foreign soils, and kiss exotic lips that taste like...like something I have never before had the opportunity to taste. Is it time for that now? Or do I stay put and finish what I am beginning? The building of roots only to rip them up again anyway, one day not too far away when I can't take the madness of normal, everyday conversation...yup, once again, my mind wants to reach for that supposedly untouchable level while my soul knows everything is attainable - if we only ask for it. I need answers that are not forthcoming and only can be told by the passage of time...screw it, and screw it all; just screw it. I am going underground and learning what makes my thought so different, so unusual, so...me. World domination, baby. Hell yeah. Bam...there it is in the distance.

"The sun's rays don't bother me, no they cast down such a wonderful heat; masking beauty by a terrible fate...if you fly to close and then you turn too late/ The night still confuses me, we all get tired and sleep eventually; regardless of the sun's demands, regardless if it made much sense...You moved so far that I know how far and you got so sad that I bought a car - yes I will come get you and I will bring you home/ You sat me down and said he was incomplete; he thinks that true love is gonna get him back on his feet/ He says you only find love once in your life, so I guess when you find it, you're gonna hold it right; you hold it right/ It makes no sense cuz there is no sense in it at all and we all wait around for you to get tired and fall...yes your shadow it resumes with me yes your shadow it was made for me/ She speaks clearly he speaks loudly; I speak only clearly loudly...yes my shadow well it resumes with me; yes my shadow yes it was made for me...She told me love will come once in your life and once you find it you will hold it right/ You moved so far that I knew how far and you got so sad that I bought a car - yes I will come get you and I will bring you home; I will come get you and I will say...welcome home." - Sara and Teegan

So I was told today that my writings can sometimes be too heavy...Yup, I can go with that, but it is who I am but yet, at the same time, there is so much more that makes up me. So, for those of you who are interested to see another side of me; here you go.

I dust off my funny ha-ha hat and bring you a story of a semi-rainy, autumn night in downtown Vancouver. I was out street skating with Sean and Heffe - just guys being guys and causing trouble with the local, um, uh...street-life? So, eventually we took refuge from the rain under a bank awning, and attempted to warm our wet bodies. I was standing across from Sean when it happened - Heffe (which means 'Boss" in Spanish) skated by us, and pretended to slip on the wet sidewalk. He kind of grinned at us, and himself, before suddenly his wheel actually did catch in a small innocous puddle. In a split second, the board under his feet shot forward with his back foot still on the grip tape. But his back foot? It slipped off, and somehow someway, kicked back behind him just as his body was falling to the ground. At the same time his body made contact with the cement, his left foot came up and kicked him in the head...Just picture that okay? His leg did not so much fall underneath him so much as it bent back, G.I. Joe style, and kicked his own head. Sean and I just stood there in shock and watched it happen. Heffe jumped up to stare at us with a wild look in his eyes; a question of what he had just felt being true or not. We looked at him, and both said, "Yeah, man, you just kicked yourself in the head!" We all started laughing at what just happened, and to this day I still cannot believe that the human torso is capable of something like that, you know? We are not meant to bend that way, but for that one night, Heffe broke all the rules and made it happen. The last time I saw him was in Vancouver and that was like 3 years ago; I wonder what it is that he is doing now and where he might seehis life going. Sean is a different story and I ended up living with him last year in Whistler - yup, just me, him, and Butta all in a tiny one bedroom apartment, living up the high life of a dream in the mecca that is Whistler. It is funny how some friendships stray and how others are never given the chance to get off the ground.

But that, my friends, is another story for another day at another time - no more heavy stuff, right? Right. Hey, who has two thumbs and loves ice cream? This guy right here (picture the author with his thumbs pointing at his chest for the full effect).

"Ever notice how it is a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal." - Stephen Wright

Have you ever sat back and wondered about the things that cause strife in your life? What would you do if you were able to center in on them and come up with a solution for them? I mean, who wants strife in our life, right? Here is my "strife" and some would kind of laugh at me for it - I have this crazy tendency to have these beautiful women come into my life, fall in love with me, and then something happens to take them away from me. Then I sit back and wonder why they came, what they came for, and why they had to leave me...I talked about this with a close friend last night and she started laughing at me, and called me a lucky bastid. "Todd", she said, "Do you know that most people would give anything to feel love for just one of those times?" Huh, I thought, after we hung up...Huh.

So, here I am again - I didn't want to be here in this same place again, but I had no control over it. After the way things went last time, I had decided to sit back and delve into the underground that is me again. Then, one day, this woman looked at me in a way she never has before, and I was smitten. There, I said it, and now it is out in my open; and therefore, I place it out in her open. I have felt almost kind of shame for starting to fall in love with her, but to say that is to slight her, when she deserves nothing but respect. When something this special comes around, do not grasp tight but let it have room to breathe, as you would ask the same of yourself. Mine has touched me in a place I never knew existed until she came around - how many of us can actually say that? We can read our thoughts before they barely even enter our minds, tell the other, and laugh at how simple it really can be. Time plays a game on us, but that is okay because one day time will be ours. Ours to share, ours to celebrate, and ours to do with it as we may. But, to have that time I am told that I will have to step back and do something I have never done before. I have to go and find a middle ground for the first time in my life - I am a person who has only known one extreme or the next and now I am in the process of learning something new. A middle ground means accepting balance in my life and I cannot find any fault in having balance; could you?

So, if you have a special someone you want to tell how you feel, how they make you feel, or even if they just make you smile...Tell them because you may never know when the chance will come again as life is beautiful; but ever-so-fleeting. Just remember to breathe along the way...

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole world would change." - Buddha

I remember, years ago, sitting on a bench in downtown Nanaimo and pondering what my next step would be. Was I to move to another set of mountains or go back to school? At that same time, I recall watching a sea-plane take flight and leave the calm waters of the harbour in its wake; if only I could have done the same. It wasn't too long after that when my life began to take another form, away from the perfunctory way of daily living until then...My search for her led me to a copy of her, away from her, and into the mountains where I thought she might be hiding out - away from the world and awaiting my arrival. I listened to the words of a song about a dream-girl - one that fit so perfectly that it could not be meant to lead me astray - and my questioning lead me deep into peaks of snow and oceans of soft sand. But, my hunt was one of unfulfillment, sadness, but yet, one of insight and understanding. My last five years were not a waste, but they were needed to spend the time in between to ready myself; to become the man I am on the way to becoming. Along the way though, I passed by and saw so many imitations of the real deal, and they all threw monkey wrenches into my plans. But now? I am where I wanted to be from so many years ago, and even though my reason for coming back was not based on her, it ended up that I would meet her here. I heard a rumour that she loved the mountains and the snow, but I went there and found it to be just that - a rumour and not the truth. How was I to know that it would happen in the most basic place; a place I had left long ago, and upon my return found her there. Not so much waiting for me, but instead, actually planning her departure. That, my friends, is what makes it real to me - that more time is needed to understand my innerself, making myself, and most important of all...wait for her return to me. She is my original in a row of impostors, but our time is not exactly right now...but it is not that far away. How can I know this u may ask? It's pretty easy actually - I have always asked a question for one particular reason...and always held my breath as I waited for the reply. Then, one innocuous night of conversation, I recieved the answer I always wanted. It is that simple...Mine is the story of the shepherd boy who meets his match on the other side of the equator, and who now just has to bide his time until she is ready for me. Huh...life and what it throws at me is the reason why I wake up every morning with a smile, and prepare to take on the coming day. Minus that first groggy half - hour, that is. Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"The rumours of heaven only speed the truth on earth
My dark angel shine your light on my curse
You are the other that I have to find
Until I do, I guess I'll see you round my mind." - Blue Rodeo

How does time and space play into the workings of self? I know I will be breaking down into my root surface again soon, testing out known waters for unchartered territory. What will I find along the way? Just when I think I have the knowledge, the experience, and the skill to exceed, I am hit with another test and another trial...what form of trial is yet to be known. My first school year is soon to be coming to a close, and I have learned a lot of myself over these last few months. I never would have expected any of the twists and turns along the way, nor what was even going to come around the corner anymore. Funny how life works, isn't it? Before I came back to this coast, I made the vital effort of shutting a time capsule and listening to the audible click of tumblers as they fell into place. How was I to know that she was to come along with the combination in hand? Except that it is not meant to be open quite yet...I learn about my heart and soul in each and every new day, but oh, how they take their beatings...I am one who wears his heart on his sleeve and now? Now it is a place of safe-keeping that it stays, and I willingly placed it there. My soul though? Huh...that is another story in itself; one of long roads, long lives, and long-lost searching. Where it has been and what it has seen is something I can only begin to fathom; and so, once again, I begin the fold of time and space. Look into myself and renew that bond of strength of self. Picking up from where I left off not too long ago, and make the journey ahead that much easier. To thine one self be true. Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."
- Douglas Adams