Curiosity killed the cat?

Damn, sometimes I scratch my head in wonder at my thoughts. I can lie awake at night at times, not able to sleep, and my mind just races like the Autobahn. Continuous circles of an endless road that stretches on for what seems forever. Then I wake up, albeit groggily, and give thanks for the coming day; it just always seems that my raceway seems to follow right along. Most of the time though, my memories have a way of forcing their way in, and for a while the race heads in for a pitstop. Then I get the opportunity to remember a time when, and eventually put that into print. This would be one of those times. Here you go, and may you enjoy...

It's like you hear a timer being rotated in circles, and you know you only have a small amount of time in a place, before you hear the ding of the bell. I speak of travelling all the time, but that is only because it is good for the soul, and that so many of my friends feel the same. Brasil is going to Miami, California is in Thailand, Canada is headed to New Zealand, and Newfoundland is going to America. We are all searching for the ring that I feel is close at hand for this cat; all it depends on now is not "if" it happens, but when it happens. When my forehead slammed into the ground, I could almost hear the ding going off in the background...for my race was only just beginning, and so no time limit can ever be enforced on me. Scattered images of a broken body, confused mind, and an insatiable thirst in those days. There was a hunger to heal, to rebuild and mend what was willing to be remade.

I knew my back was okay the day I flew off the lip on Mount Washington in Vancouver Island, and ended up catching my edge on the take-off. I was roasting at the roller and was in mid-rotation when it happened. It sent me about 8 feet in motion until I slammed into the solid groomed snow below. The collision was hard, quick, and I landed straight on my bankroll; sending my jacket up over my chest, and exposing my once-broken-back to the cold snow. I slid another 10 feet at high speeds, upside down, and laughed the whole entire time. I could feel the quickly heating snow all along my lower posterior, but didn't care about the burn...I was riding again, and nothing else mattered anymore. I remembered how I stood at that same base in the opening days of season, and how I gave thanks that I would be able to go snowboarding again. Then, had the same lifestyle show me that things are always going to be fine. Just trust, believe, and enjoy the ride. The freedom it allows, the soft surf on the wave of snow, and the timer is always on for the search. I can only compare it to travelling to a new beach, surfboard in hand, and finding a break so sweet that you ride it everyday that you are there.

Now, here I sit at a computer on the East Coast, coming back to the present day and time. The sun breaks through the clouds, showing promise for the coming night. Blink, and a day passes; open them and another begins. It all comes down to friendship, people, it all comes down to friendship. From there, you grow the confidence to explore and reconstruct your comfort zone, ready to head out and lay your own tracks. For me, it all comes down to this - if you are feeling like selling everything you own, storing the rest, and taking off into the dawn like a bandit in the night...then what are you still doing here? Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it will never dent the soul of the survivor. I mean, forward progression is the link to survival, is it not? It's all good, my man, it's all good.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Every man ought to be inquisitive through every hour of his great adventure down to the day when he shall no longer cast a shadow in the sun. For if he dies without a question in his heart, what excuse is there for his continuance?
- Frank Moore Colby

Perpetual chaos...

This is the story of a man on a quest, of a journey full of low roads, and high valleys. It is of a writer's concept and the memory of a boy's life; both worthy of being heard. What he learned along the way is not the main focus anymore, or the dream he chased across oceans and mountains...to realize that it was not to be. No, this particular epic has to do with letters, words and images sent out to a person who knows what I write; and what really lies between the lines. Life is all about the paths we travel, the friends we meet, and the search for a soul to share. They say only fools rush in, and many times I have proven that theory to be true; my heart forever the innocent bystander. But, not so long ago, I gave that same heart to one I knew I could trust, and through it all, has never been one to let me down. What is left behind is shut-down, resting, and will one day be ready to search again. For now, I can only stay the burn of time, and not blindly rush where fools trod. I have no idea exactly what it is that I am starting, I only know that a moment is upon me. Here you go, and may you enjoy...

I remember lying in front of my fireplace one night, and I was running my hands over the lower back of the girl laying next to me. She held a presence I had never felt before, and her company was a welcome retreat. I thought she was asleep...then I heard a voice ask, "Have you ever had a threesome?" I won't bore you with the rest of details, but, suffice to say, my reply was, "Well, yes...but, technically, no."

Love can play such games on us. Just when you think it has arrived, it is showing you the door. My row of impostors still stand strong and clear, now so much the more that I am coming near. I am coming to the truth of knowing that we all play games; some we win, some we lose. The game of love is one in which we all play, and sometimes the stakes are higher than we bargain for...but is it not the same result we all play for? If you were to ask me what my love is, I would answer, "I have not met her yet." If you were to ask me what my passion is, I would answer, "I want to be a writer." It is my obsession that can sometimes seem to be the trouble that rides both their coattails.

I think love would cause nothing but havoc now, since it seems I am falling into perpetual chaso again. I am shutting down old beliefs, reworking new plans into future goals, getting back to a feeling of living my life as my own again. Amazing experiences always seem to follow suit with that feeling...good times in the Maritimes.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"And ours is a road that is strewn with goodbyes
As it all unfolds; as it all unwinds
Remember your soul is the one thing that you can't compromise."
- David Gray

Forgotten friends...

Well, well, well...so a friend of mine, oh let's call her Emily, said that my last couple of writings were not the same as my originals. She mentioned that she is a fan of them, but that she prefers when my words are more exposed, more raw, and open for interpretation. Here is one about friendships that come and go, some that stay the ages, and others that fall to the wayside even after you thought they would forever be there...and then there are others that always continue to amaze and comfort the soul. Here you go, and may you enjoy...

So many souls have come and gone in this man's life, and as they pass through, I always sit back and wonder...do they know how they take a piece of me everytime they say goodbye? That my heart grows stronger with their presence, and misses their words when they are not around? To you who have broken and slipped through my walls, have gotten to see the person I really am versus my facade, to those who want to make the road trip through life with me, I say thank you for making my life that much sweeter...

But to those who chose to disregard me, and think that I would forget them, I have this to say: you seem to have forgotten who I am. To those who misunderstood me, mistook me for a punk, or even thought they were better than this cat, y'all need to stand back and look in the mirror. I did one day, stood there and gazed upon my countenance, eyes all blacked out, nose shattered, a body cast on my frame, and an ugly gashed up scab in between my eyes. I can still feel my hands gripping the porcelain sink, holding my body straight, without shame, and only a little shock...and coming to a realization that although they tried, they cannot kill my soul. Pain? What is that but weakness leaving your body...sadness? Only a reason to cry and still be a man; to know that although the body may break, it is the soul that allows for survival. Through the years since, I have come to see that we need not always walk alone; that at times it is okay to lean against a strong shoulder and rest my tired bones.

So, an old friend has come back into my life after a fourteen year absence. He stopped me on the street in recognition, where others who only saw me a year ago couldn't recognize me. I have been called a chameleon, and a person always in the process of reinvention. Yet, here was my man taking the time to perceive what it is not always apparent, and stop an old friend once forgotten. He is one who has seen much death, much stupidity of human actions, and has dealt with loss of his own. So, it now only makes sense that we would become tighter than tight, hang like time never passed, and I hold bond that he has my back...because he feels mine strong against his, ready to back up whatever calamities may come our way.

Nights of silly debauchery, smoky roads of future paths, and an understanding that what came before only lays the foundation for what comes next. Head up, shoulders straight...now march. It is only with our heads held high that we see what is ahead of us, no matter how foggy the view, no matter how rocky the road, no matter how many times we feel alone...maybe that is when we are being carried in the arms of a friend.

"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, what do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."
- Joseph Roux

Backpack retirement...

I was going through some of my old papers, when I came across a writing I did before leaving Whistler last summer. I had just come back from visiting my friends in Vancouver Island, and it would be my last trip there for at least four or more years. My life was in transition, my thoughts were straight ahead, and my goal was to move back to my roots. It seemed that all I could think of was the East Coast and my upcoming stint as a student. It is funny since not too long ago, the Defiler of Shoes wrote me an email on the idea of "backpack retirement" and then I find this writing...huh. Here you go, and may you enjoy...

It's like time in a box; passing so slowly as if frozen in place. The coastal mountains are at sea-level height, offering a view of soft green light. Growth is occurring in an everyday passage, through thought, listening and reacting. My wake lies white behind me, the churning soon to be met, understood and respected. I have made the Island sojourn back and forth on so many occasions, for so many different reasons. A journey that began in so many different ways, through so many number of days, and a rolling of the dice; all falling where they may.

The travelling burning, the wanderlust of yearning, constantly there in the passion of a young man's learning. A north wind that blows with certainty, guiding...and realizing what may be, will be. An amble over assorted terrain, leading along paths of decision, choice...and sometimes whatever. I have already implemented some structure, and will only add more in the future. Forward thinking that evolves into a way of being. A meager existence for a semantic balance is worth the toil. It is all somewhat easier when you are not waiting on time, and instead looking forward to walking on the East Coast soil.

The first notice of long-term travel is when you start to feel the weight of your pack. Years ago, I did not even know it was there...your fingers reach up and caress the straps, war-bonded twins that have always entered into the fray. Scenery and landscapes change, but what do the eyes truly see? A wanting to move forward, getting the show on the road, to fly down highways of blue and red; valleys of rock and stone, and wheat-filled prairies of golden dreams. I want to head back to my safe harbour in the tempest. At least until, the tempest once again beckons on the north bound current.

Moving ever so slowly, I depart from the Island ferry, once more unsure of when I may return again. I keep the memories stored away as all the images slip through my fingers, and watch as they become lost along a river of change. Self-garnered renewal of thought, all acquired over my long season. The first leg of my journey slowly draws to a close, weeks becoming days; days into seconds. It is so close that I can actually taste it now. What dreams may come for those who dare to daywalk their wanted aspirations? I can smell the East Coast salty-goodness, mingled in with the anticipation of what may be. As I spend yet another day on the road, I find myself stopping to ponder my travels. Where they have led me overshadows outcomes that only the hands of time can reveal. Life is so amazing in what it holds within its sometimes deceiving folds. It all leads me to where I am today...with no regrets. Never regrets.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing."
- Oscar Wilde

Scrambling for home...

A comical figure, dressed in server attire, ambles out to address his table. Can tyou hear the sounds of jazz playing over the din? I can, and I can also see the lights play over the ocean's surface; refineries and mean, old brick buildings across the harbour as the illuminating source. I can almost smell their smoke; salty and thick, like the content of the water itself.

Four seasons past and gone, with the fifth one soon to begin. The depth of my understanding grows deeper with every day that passes. In the beginning days after waking up, I was so full of life and could see for miles in front of me; where now I can see for generations. Do we ever come to a point where we stop and forget to breath? I could not even begin to try and pretend not to notice my surroundings. To give thanks for second chances; another opportunity at a moment lingering on. It is just up ahead, waiting patiently for my arrival. Only I will know when that due date is.

There is no rush, no hurry, and, "Hey man? Did you need a refill on that?" A light tinkling of glass on glass to acknowledge, and a potential is full; potential of a half-empty glass, that is. The heart beats as the finger plugs the hole in the dam...how long before that is not suffice, and the walls come tumbling down? You pick yourself up, brush off the dust, and continue on. Forward progression is the key to survival.

The horns play in the background, and the dark slowly sets. The lights turn low and the night begins. It's closing time, boys; shut the doors and close the shades. Hit the ground walking and never ever look back.

Time stalls for a brief stop, and then once again continues its unabated momentum. My scenery changes from water to concrete and steel. I look out the window at the cemeteries dotting the landscape, an age-old tradition of final passage. What will be eventually gives way to what is coming; what is coming eventually gives away to what will be. Time waits for no man; only the moment waits for us all.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Patience is the companion of wisdom."
- St. Augustine

Wanderlust...

To travel is the key. To see the world through different eyes, to gain abstract perspectives, and incorporate new ideas into new alliances. So, you all know how I have spent the last 5 years abroad - well, okay, abroad North America - but have I ever told you about my fleet-footed friends? Like my brother Josh-Beaner-Batsch, the dude from California that I met once, one night like 3 years ago in Whistler. We hung out for the night, partied like wild mountain men should, made plans to go ride the next morning, and I have never seen him since. Beaner has lived in Utah since, some islands surrounding Washington, up into Canada into Victoria, spent some time in South America, and is now in Alaska somewhere...saving dinero to get ready to leave again. Cheers amigo, and may we soon meet again. I miss you homes.

Then there is my friend Jared, who I met while I was living in Tofino two summers ago. I was working in a campground - don't ask and I won't tell - and he was up visiting from Southern California, from somewhere around Tahoe I think. Jared is a soft-spoken man with a heart of gold, and a steel trap of a mind. Anyway, we hung out for a couple of days, busted some mad knowledge on each other, and then he too was gone. I have not seen him since, but from his last email, he is somewhere in Thailand right now, living the good life and pestering the natives I hope. Be good my man, and rest assured you are in this man's thoughts.

I also have this "friend" Jeralynn. I say "friend" because once upon a time we were "friends" with fringe benefits, and god, they were great benefits, let me tell you. I met her on my stint on Vancouver Island, and we hung out for a month or so, until our time together ran dry. I remember her telling me that she had so much to see, so many things to explore, and she is making good on those words. While I was living in Whistler last year, she emailed me from Korea, to tell me she was teaching Engish to some Korean children and adults. We even talked on the phone for a few moments and updated each other on our lives...or maybe it was just to hear each other's voice again. You know how it is when you are on the road...sometimes you just need to hear a friendly tone. She emailed me today saying she is headed back to South Korea to visit, then is off to New Zealand for 5 to 6 months, and then she is booking it to South East Korea for another stint...so she will be gone for a year or so, and I say stay for longer. Why not right? Do it now while you still have the chance, Jer, and may you never look back over your shoulder, or find yourself thinking of a certain boy from Newfoundland. I find myself wondering how you are now and then, and even some more time thinking about that callipygian of yours. Keep stretching the boundaries of thought and understand your internal through the outside workings of your external.

Last, but most definitely not least, we have Brasil. You see, I have never met one the likes of her. She has seen many things, and in the last two months alone has visited the Bahamas and even now as we speak, is in Cuba. I am hoping she brings me some cigars back and more so, I am hoping she brings a shirt of Ernesto hisself for me. I think she has plans for New York this summer, and I am looking forward to hanging out with her on my home turf - The Rock aka Newfoundland...the last hidden, treacherous and most spectacular place on earth. Then, in the upcoming fall, she heads out on a trip that all travellers would lust over - a sailing trip around the world to raise awareness on the eroding coral reefs, and maybe do a little bit of surfing somewhere in between. I think of her the most of all, and only wish she could see what I already know. But only time will tell on that, and I can only hope she remembers our pact when I show up on her doorstep in Brasil.

Then there is me...like I said, I plan on returning home for the first time in over a decade, to see the place my heart so desperately longs to see. Then, after school is done, I will head down to California, and use it as my launching pad to leave this continent behind. I will spend the next proceeding 6 years in three different cities, with a two year stint in each. Imagine what I can write about hey? It gives me shivers everytime I think about it...like the night I traced a friend's ocean voyage on a wall map, and then turned around to see her staring at me, unable to breathe. Reality is not what we think it is, and it is only made for the non-believers, which is something me and my brethren our most definitely not. Head up, shoulders straight...now march.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I -- I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference."
- Robert Frost

Collision repair...

After de-railment happens, you find yourself out of sorts, and crashing through the underbrush; out of control and blind to your upcoming future destination. Sometimes, though, it is not always as bad as you had thought it would turn out to be. Sometimes, at times like these, it can be cushioned with a big, huge pillow, and the landing is not so extreme. This is to be my first summer in Halifax, and I am looking forward to it. The last few days have been nice and sunny, my place of employment has a beautiful harbour front view; and I should be able to accomplish some goals this season. It is funny that I am now referring to summer as "season", but it looks like the leaves are growing on the trees and it is so cool to see them take life. A changing of the seasons hey? Huh...funny that.

Do you believe in karma? That what happens, happens for a reason, and our actions based on those occurences, somehow play out in our later days? I do, and I feel that I may have played out the karma dealt to me, and that is time for something else. I feel an upswing in my future, and it is so close, that I can smell it...because it is standing right next to me. I am now in the minute, can feel another change in me, and knowing that it will only lead to good things. I will always sit back and wonder at the awe that we call life. For all the times it can slap you around, it can also hold you in the palm of its hand, and place you where you most need to be. I laugh when I think that my plans this summer consist of working, playing guitar (soon to buy one and will update y'all), and saving money for school. Okay, throw in some ink in there, with a trip to Newfoundland for Festival, and the rest to be saved. I laugh as I think of how long it has been since I saw the summer leaves in St. John's, and how it has been long overdue for me to see them again. I laugh because this is the most structure I have had in the last five years, and I am loving every minute of it. Why you may ask? Well, since you ask...I laugh because I know, one day not more than fours years from now, that I will be shattering that same structure. Then rebuilding it somewhere else, on foreign soil, but in a place I have always needed to be. I am held in the palm, as we all are when we least expect it. It is shown that we have learned a lesson, and it it time to come to the next in line. I am here, am only moving forward, but hey...no more bricks okay?

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"I had a dream I was moving forward, floating gently to the sun
Come to see my world rewarded...a new day has begun.
Now I can see the earth below me and I can feel it turn.
Fog lifts to reveal potential for generations prophesized,
Our growth to be exponential...the promise is finally realized."
Now I can see the earth below me and I can feel it turn.
Feel it turn across the sky,
For the world it learns, so must I." - Great Big Sea

Slow burn...

Scar: (skar)n. A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or a wound has healed

I think I held my dream so tight that I didn't allow room for it to breathe. Now that I have placed its burden down, and stepped aside, I can see that it is unsure...that it does not know what to do now. Funny that I speak of it this way, but it has been such a huge force in my life, for so long, and for so many years. Maybe it is me that is unsure, and does not know where to turn next.

Why is it that I always seem to be in this exact same place over the last five years? It is weird that this happens to me, and if it is some sort of cycle, then please let me out - I have been through the rinse enough to know that the spin comes next. I just do not want to do it anymore, you know? The excitement turns to uncertainty, and then the uncertainty to doubt, until I end up back where I started...by myself, and sporting some new, albeit funky, scars. But, dammit, I have enough scars, and now I need time to heal all those marks left behind; to heal the person left behind. Oh yeah, that's right...that would be me.

You know what though? It is not that bad...this new place that I am in. I see what is in front of me, where I am headed, and I know it is so bright that it is the only I can see for miles and miles. I can almost imagine I feel the cold brass of the ring as my fingers take their hold. It is that close, that near, and I can almost taste it. Oh yeah baby, oh yeah. A change for the better is rising on the wind. Can you hear it?

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"From age to age, nothing changes, and yet everything is completely different."
- Aldous Huxley

Seperating of the senses...

I wrote not too long ago of the passing of my friend, Lennie, but tonight I will write about a new life instead. My close friend Amy, a Canadian living in Australia, is the new mother of beautiful little Ava Leora. I almost believe I can see Amy's wisdom in her eyes, and essentially already know she will have inherited her mom's wanderlust to boot. They are coming back to our soil in August I think, so I will have to see fit to go visit sometime in the coming year; it would be good to see Vancouver in the summer again. But before I do that, I will be making plans to go back home for the George Street Festival at the end of July. There may be a chance of meeting my brother's new son, the nephew I have yet to hold in my arms, and breath in the smell of new life.

I remember when my phone rang last summer, while I was hanging out with my friend Kim at my Whistler residence. It was my brother calling from the highway somewhere in North Carolina with the news of Connor's birth. He was such a proud pappy and I could hear my nephew gurgling in the background. It was so awesome to know my family was branching out and we were welcoming it with arms wide open. At the time, I was in transition of getting ready to leave the mountains for my move back to the East Coast, beginning school at the age of thirty, and leaving behind one lifestyle for a completely different one; one of scholarly pursuits and not my usual soul search for snow. It had been a year of new openings for me, learning about myself, and travelling so far down the rabbit hole that I had to leave behind a bread trail to locate the exit. I was healing a separated shoulder - the bone still sticks out a sore thumb - and thought I was soon to be heading to meet the woman I wanted to marry.

Quick story while on the topic of life - since mine always seems to be a little more strayed than your normal, everyday versions. Picture this if you will: Imagine having a photograph of a girl years before you meet her, and then have that same female sit behind you in class, not three years later. Imagine not putting two and two together until another fours years down the road. Now see yourself being best friends with her for fifteen years while not even seeing her once, in the last ten of those. Finally, conceptualize going to see her again when she was now a woman... I was returning for an education, yes, but had been in love with her from the time I laid my sixteen year-old eyes on her, and was planning on telling her so. But, on our first night of reunion, I was beat to the punch, as I listened to her tell me she was the one who had been in love with me for the last decade. Now imagine all those variables, plus the addition of both of us being single, and if you have been reading my posts, then you can also refer to my dream. It all made sense because we had spent our friendship always talking about having our rocking chairs picked out together...amazing how two people who seemed so destined to be together could turn out to be so wrong and different from one another. How it could strain a once unbreakable bond, and turn it into pliable jello; until not even the sugar can hold it together. Now imagine not only feeling your heart break, but hearing it as well.

I am not done yet, dear readers, not even by a long-shot...after that, imagine spending time with a co-worker, who when you first saw her, you knew she had something to do with your life. Meeting her when you thought you were with the woman of your dreams, yet feeling guilty for even thinking of her in that way. Imagine that she turns out to be your Kris Kringle pick months later, and your best friend/love of your life, not only picks out the gift for her; but spends twenty minutes wrapping it, and hand-delivering it via you. As in, here you go, here, have Todd because I will be setting him free soon. Sit there one night a few months after that, as she gives you the answer to a personal riddle you have posed to humans for the last three years; ever since you woke up in a hospital bed, full of new life and ready to battle all your demons. Now imagine having to set her free because she is preparing to spend the next three or four years sailing the world, and not only dealing with that, but actually coming to an understanding of it...then not even a month after that, see yourself losing a close friend to murder and an unfair revoked second chance on life. All, one on top of the other...now imagine the fact that you feel stronger than ever, and knowledge of that this too will pass.

Now some will know why I have placed my dream on the top shelf; why I must learn to fashion a hollow from within. For the first time in my life, I see that this is my path, and if we ever do meet it is because we are both headed the same way. Until that day, I will do like always: head up, shoulders straight...now march. Always forward with no regrets, and only maybe a few looks behind over my shoulder. My time is now, what better time is there?

"Scars are souvenirs you will never lose
Past is never far...and did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life...is more than who we are?"
- Goo Goo Dolls

Silent Observer...

It is like I am looking down at myself...I am high above, and below is this solitary figure. It is the side of me that doesn't understand that I am no longer lost, that my life is almost ready; almost, but not quite yet. First, there is my spirit remaining to fight my inner demons, and rid myself of all the things they come between. I want to pound on the window and scream aloud, but why would I? It would come to naught, for I am on a search...a way to tap the void, to empty it, and leave it hollow. That is it, isn't it? To totally understand yourself, you must first step aside and accept who we are. To realize what is meant to stay and what we need to rid our souls of.

Not too long ago, I spoke to a friend about my ghost that lingered behind, and how I felt it was time to lay his image to rest. I have come to see that I was wrong, and instead, I must offer my hand in assistance. It must be my own doing that pulls me out from the depths of my past, and points the way to my future. Alone, I am incomplete and partially assembled, but in making myself, I am stand united and ready to make the journey home. I am so much closer with every passing day, and every morning brings with it renewed hope. Loosen the reins, my man, and let your spirit ride free again.

So, once more, a time is upon me. Actually, it is not once again...it is something I have never been through. To fashion a portion of my soul so it is hollow; a place where the feelings of dis-ease rest before they are dealt with. Once resolved, through rightness and clear vision, I can relinquish them, and release their hold on me.

To my friend on the ground level, I want you to realize that you are closer than you may think. You are on a path of reason, even though it may not seem so right now...at times like these. That is why our time is one of separation; of paths diverging, only to meet again down the road. You know what is more amazing than that? We both know what lies waiting in our future. It always has been, and is now up to only us to walk the last steps.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Caught the waves wrinkle the moon, and they kissed my body just beyond the shore
I talked you into a stone and skipped you across the water...but it was me who was really sinking.
Lay me down
Down on the bottom
Come crashing over me
You'll be a dancer as I try to catch you."
- Wide Mouth Mason

Life in satori...

It is hard at times, times like these, that is...to sit down and study while my mind wanders and my soul experiences images of wanderlust. For some reason, during my rampant Biology session, I had a flash of being in Thailand - warm waters falling from the sky all around us. I say us because there was a girl with me, although I could not see her face, but did have her wrapped up in my arms. Huh...so what does that say? That Thailand is on the future map and that I may see it before this life is done? That I may hold a woman there in a warm, protective embrace and only then will my vision make sense to me? I have this crazy bug-ass imagination that is always running wild, and sometimes it even runs wild while carrying scissors - a dangerous act, I tell you; running wild with scissors because that is how accidents happen and the sane become dubbed the insane. But, back to Thailand, and that girl again...nah, forget it. I will just wait until it happens, and it will happen because I know how my life takes these crazy turns when I least expect them to. The last two years have been full of ups and downs; a crazy roller coaster that has not even reached its half-way mark yet...and is only gathering steam.

Let me start from the beginning for you, my dear readers. About five years ago, I had a dream...not your normal, every-night, sort of occurrence, but, one so real and so true, that it scared me. So, I decided to follow it, to see what might happen if I did. You see, my dream was about a girl, and this girl is the one that I will meet in this lifetime. Many have asked how I know this, and I can only answer that I just know, you know? So, if you don't know, now you know...sorry, I have a tendency to be a fool at times. She had long brown hair, soft eyes, a sexy smile, and a person comfortable in her own skin. She looked at me in a way I have always wanted to be looked at, and I remember sitting and talking with her on some bleachers...then I woke up and she was gone. You ever have that happen before? You meet someone in your sleeping hours, yet somehow know you will meet them again in your waking days? So, anyway, I had the dream, knew I had to find her, and was deciding what I was going to do next - you know, where would I go, when would I start, and all those logistics. Then it happened one random night while I was driving home and listening to a new CD. There was this one song, you see, and it was all about this dream a guy had, and how it involved this girl...how everything she said made sense, and that he knew who she was; yet why he dreamed of her was something he did not have the answer for. It was that night that I realized my life had a purpose, that it had meaning to it, and I saw that I had to embark on a journey...and I have been on it ever since. It was as if some unseen force began pushing me from behind, moving me forward with so much hurriedness; telling me to start now, not yesterday, but today.

That was over five years ago, and in those five years I have come to see so many sights that they have become some of my favorite things...sunsets so beautiful that they look as if painted upon a canvas sky, watching the dawn rise in a sprinkling of dust over the Canadian Rockies, chasing waves across a sandy beach in the beginning hours of nightfall, riding a field of white powder, and so many shared times of laughter with friends. I even survived death in between those years...now, here I am, once again. I came back to the place I always knew I would return, and believed that I had taken the necessary steps to be with her; a time for us together. But, once again, I was wrong. I have come to see that my reason for returning back to my roots was to only silence, yet again, another ghost. Then, I met her...and my world is once more turned upside-down, inside-out, and my dreams are no longer welcome to me.

My friends will read this, and most likely laugh because they already know the story...you know what, though? For the time being, I will be placing it on my top shelf, so it can no longer be a distraction to this lone, sometimes weary traveller. I will be concentrating on other projects, other ideas that need my attention instead. That is not to say it is being forgotten, but only being put on hold...for now. My road awaits.

"Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real."
- Tupac Shakur

Coffee stained thoughts...

Ever find yourself up late, and with so many thoughts in your head that you cannot sleep? Yup, so here I am, in that same spot right now, and so unsure as what to write...makes me think of what the defiler of shoes wrote - about writing with a purpose and not just for a journal. So, okay, I am going to delve right into the nitty-gritty of it all.

What do y'all know about drugs? Have you ever taken any? Known someone who has or been around someone on them? I am not talking about marijuana here, peeps, I am talking about the hard stuff...coke, E, Special K, shrooms, crank, meth, speed, whatever your flavour may be. Do you think it to be innocuous and a basic little "hobby" or "something to do?" Do not fool yourselves, kids, it is more than you will ever make it out to be. I am not up here on my portable soap-box, spouting off rhetoric for the sake of hearing my own voice - although it does take a sexy deep timbre late at night - I am speaking from experience, from self-acquired knowledge. I believe there is nothing wrong with smoking a joint now and then, or even imbibing in some well-earned nights of drinking or partying. We all need to blow off steam, somehow, someway, at times. No, I am talking about letting something control your life, where you need to get "high" to have fun, to enjoy your life...to make your time here go by that much faster. Drugs are bad, mmmkay? They take away from what you already have; they take your mind, your freedom, your existence. I know, peeps, I know they do...Let me tell you a small story, okay?

So, there I was, all messed up on drugs, having a good time, and not caring about where my life was headed. I had amazing friends, a nice girlfriend, two jobs, and was thoroughly enjoying my time on earth. Or was that just the drugs telling me that? Huh, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I used to get so high that the only thing that mattered was how long the high would last for, and where we could get more drugs...sound familiar to anyone? The new year was up and coming, and we were partying like it was 1999...wait a second, it was 1999. Huh, funny that. So, anyway, you guys do not want to hear the rest, it is not important; it only involves me getting right messed up on way too many narcotics, detaching myself from my friends, getting lost, and oh yeah...some time after that ending up hurting myself real real bad. Who of you want to hear a story like that? One of a life-altering-occurrence that opened up this cat's eyes, and made my future loom so true and close, that all I could do was place one foot in front of the other and follow my new path. Changed my life so much that I came to see that we can all change our lives if we want; with or without the drugs, preferably without. I have a tattoo on my upper left shoulder - well, almost all of my left shoulder actually - that is how I look at my life...the phoenix that arises from the ashes of its former self; stronger, faster, and ready for what comes next. Funny what I will write when I have no idea what to say hey?

If you are curious, do not know who I am, and want to hear my stories, then leave a comment for me pertaining to them. If you know me, but do not know that story and want to hear it, then leave a comment saying so and I will more than happily oblige. Until then, I will not allow this to be my online journal, but sometimes...things have a funny way of working out, right? Right.

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you are making too much money."
- Robin Williams

Lifting of the fog...

There I was, standing on a rooftop and gaining another perspective on the city that is Halifax. J2 and I were taking a break from our monumentous night of nine hours of studying for Stats, when we went up to his rooftop for a breather. On our first trip, the condensation was so low, we could barely see anything and the ocean was non-existent in sight. It reminded me of days jogging on the beach in Tofino, when I would run along the sand and not be able to see the ocean for the fog. It was weird to hear it at my feet but not be able to see it; until later that morning when the fog would lift like a nun's habit on her wedding night. When the next time we went for a smoke, the fog has disappeared and we could see all of Bedford, the Bridge, and the lights sprinkled across the water...it was so peaceful, and my heart so in need of some minor quiet. Then we returned once again to study stats - yay for stats!! Yay!!

My time up top made me think of where I can go with my creativity - I stood there and bounced ideas off of Jordan, and what I want to start up as my business. I stayed up late after he had gone to sleep...finished my studying, and placed pen to paper to make some designs. Damn, I think I may have something here...Nelly, you reading this? If I talk to you after you see this, we need to talk, and I need to bounce shit off of you...like always. The long run of it is that I can honour my Boy Lennie in a time - respected fashion that will be more than a trend; more than a fad for everyone to know who he was, and what will remain of his soul. At the same time I can go about the task of making myself so when you all meet me, you will know who I am. I know, I know, I am not exactly giving out real information, but it will be up and coming in the next six months. Just hold on McGinty. Hold on.

I may have found my purple elephant.

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."
- William Jennings Bryan

Falling raindrops...

I stood there, in the freezing rain and falling snow, outside the church. Inside they were saying mass for my friend, and outside there was standing room only, and many were standing in the cold to pay their respects...saying goodbye to Lennie. I walked down to the cove and just reflected on so many things; anything to get my mind up and away from where it was. How do you say goodbye to someone like him? I never got enough time to truly know him, but the time we had, we made the most of. Does he know how many people were there, and if so, does he also know how he touched so many souls? I held Nelly close, tried to be strong, and payed my respects to my man. I, I, I...I am at a lost for words to express my emotions, both mingled in with sadness and also anger. Anger at the fact that his child will never know their father, and will only have information from the man that is now becoming part myth, part legend. What did Nelly say? That it will be a happy day when his child is born for no matter where they go, they will always be protected and watched over.

Tears fell from so many eyes, and even the tough shed some salt. How could we not? A life so young that did not have to leave our presence, did not have a need to be taken in such a violent manner. I am starting to find some closure, find some sense in all the madness, and continue on with my life. It is the only thing to do, to take the life that we have and live it for ourselves...to travel foreign soils, meet new faces, and always keep those close to us close in our hearts. The last time I stood in standing-room only was at my friend Steve-O's funeral, and once again, there was so many people to say goodbye to an angel that was taken before their time. Keep each other company until I arrive guys, and then we can share all the stories when we meet again.

Time will pass but your memory never will, your laugh always in my thoughts, and I look ahead to the awaiting future; the falling drops of rain that soon will give away to a rainbow of hope.

Rest in peace Len-dog, and rest assured you are missed.

"Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich tresures, beautiful souls and interesting people."
- Henry Miller

What now?

So, I found out my confirmation last night, the one about my friend. You ready for this? He was murdered, then dumped into a dumpster like yesterday's trash, and then set on fire. Who the fuck does that? Who has it in them to take a life and pretend it is nothing? He was on a path of self-alignment, a path of new life, and now he has nothing to leave behind but a legacy of grief. Yeah, I am hurting right now, but I also feel myself shutting down, and turning away from the outside world. All I want are my friends, the ones that understand, and everyone else can go fuck themselves. Is that too much for you? Let me tell you this...it is too much for me.

All around me I feel my world falling apart - from my faded, torn jeans, to my once solid friendship, to the very bottom of my soul. There is so much hurt right now that I cannot even feel it, which only means I will one day in the future...when I least expect it. Do you know what it is that I am really going to miss about Lennie? That I never got a chance to really know him...I was only there for the rising of his spirit and the crashing of his fall. Damn, this is not supposed to be this way, people, we do not say goodbye to our friends in this manner. They are meant to be around when you achieve your success, to relish your ideas, and see you home until the end. Fuck it, fuck it all; just fuck it. Don't let these moments pass you by, do not let the people that mean something to you go unnoticed. Tell them what they mean to you, show them they are important, and never forget what being a friend means.

"Scrawled upon the wall of a bathroom stall
A stranger wrote a note that spoke to all...
One, two, buckle my shoe - take care of me because I might be you."
- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Life or death?

One is happening and the other is going to happen, right? One is offered to us in an inhale, and the other can be taken away in our exhale. I know what it is like to stray from the path and head down the wrong roads, so I also know I will not do it again. I have felt the fear of being lost, and not knowing where to turn next...will it be the right way or a dead-end? That does mean I have to give up? Does that mean that death comes for us all, so we might as well roll over and pretend we already are? Where is the fight in that? What about your will to survive and not only survive; but dominate. Whose life are you living this for anyway? For them, so they can be happy for yours instead of finding it in their own? My man, I have not only seen what the road looks like, but I walked it so I would understand what it felt like underfoot. You cannot make that long journey to the otherside only to turn back and return from whence you came...it doesn't work like that. The key is moving forward, pushing ahead, to be better, smarter, stronger, and made of steel; not of paper mache.

I just found out that I may have lost a friend today, and I say may because I do not know for sure right now. But, it is not looking that good...he was walking on his path when he slipped and fell. Then he got frustrated with it all and started to backtrack. Why did you do it brother? You had life by the balls and life was upcoming for you...your own flesh and blood my man; your own flesh and blood. I was even warned about it but became so caught up in myself that I forgot what being a friend means. Now I am left behind to try and figure it all out. To see someone come that far to fall that behind is not a travesty...it is a mockery. That is not the way to be shown the exit to life, and that is not the proper entrance for the life up and coming.

I woke up over four years ago, in a hospital bed, with wires sticking out of me, and I had a broken back and a fractured skull. Like my friend, I was given a second chance to live, to grow, and to mend my broken wings. I have been wondering in the years since if I was using that knowledge to my advantage...and I now know that I am. Time is not the monster I have always seen it as; when you want it to speed up, it crawls, and when you want it to slow down, it hurtles by with the eagerness of an unmanned locomotive. But, I have come to see that it allows for learning, for seeing, and for loving. Do you have someone you want to tell that you love them but they do not want to hear it? Tell them anyway because you might not know when they aren't around to hear it from your lips.

Rest in peace, my brother. May you now finally have some.

"There are only three sins - causing fear, causing pain, and causing anguish. The rest is only window dressing."
- Roger Caras

Dakine: the shit; the best (Urban Dictionary)...

Random conversations this weekend that varied from some surface, to agruement and debate, and some words about writing. I am doing a lot of that again lately, and starting to seriously progress on my book. It is strange to think that, and then I look down to see that I am. I received an email from a friend of mine from High School - yes, from the Rock - that I have not seen in over 10 years, and just yesterday he asked me how the book was going. So, I am starting to see that people are looking at my site, and that makes me ponder...does that mean you like my stuff? Is it dakine for some? If so, then I haven't even shown anything yet...this is just some of my modern day stylings, some rambles, and, yes, sometimes I may mention angels. But, who out there reading this, knows where I came from? That I survived a lifestyle that almost brought death, and that I have stories coming out of my ying-yang? Did I just write that down? Good because I meant to...I know, I know, but I want to see what pushes people's buttons, what makes them want to become a lost sheep and stray from the main pack. I see myself as an Alpha Male - although my brothers all think they are - and I might be the one to lead you away, since I have been called a little crazy and a bad influence. What bonds can be formed through words that grow strong, and with those that conspire to never allow them to be broken? I have seen many a friend come and go in the last number of years in my life, and others that have survived the burn. Here, I am, forming roots that I will one day most certainly rip up, only to place them down again...in some other place, in some other time. But no matter what you do, make sure they know who you are; make sure you leave your legacy. While there may sometimes be brambles and thorns, at others there will be a rose, or two, to smell along the road. For a reason, a season, and a lifetime...Carpe diem.

"Go write your message on the pavement
Burning so bright I wondered what the wave meant..." - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Just one of those days?

The day went kind of smooth today; had class, went to class, and dropped off some things downtown. Spent most of my day at school, in and out of it, and then hung out at a friend's place. Got into this huge conversation about American soft power, and Republics, brushed across Ernesto Guevara, and even touched on the Boston Tea party; or the origins, there-about. Briefly mentioned writing and allowed time to focus on the upcoming future. But, mainly on civilization, and where it is headed. What I am doing in school and all that jazz; then, somehow, someway, a little bit later, the conversation focused on my English Professor. She is pretty cool, but one of the last people I thought would know in common with a perfect stranger. He mentioned the first name of a friend of his, then noted something about her, and I supplied her last name for him. Huh...it is one of those things that kind of tap you on the shoulder and go, "Hey, you need to pay attention to this." You, see, my English Professor is the one that will be editing my book - and if you are reading this, I am working dilligently on it - and it all seemed like a little sign. One of those puzzle pieces fitting together, so to speak. It makes me realize that my calling is to be a writer, that all these things happen for a reason, for my own purpose. It is like another friend of mine, Caitlynn: we both know the same person, and in the same fashion, we both found out by my giving a description of something, and her acknowledgement of the same place. She mentioned a friend who talked of it, said her first name, and I dallied up her last. She also died a few years ago, not too many summers ago. And Caitlynn's connection to writing? Only that the last time she wrote for herself, was when Katie Maddox died. Funny hey? Not funny ha-ha, or funny amusing, and definitely not funny like a clown. I miss her sometimes, and I have her picture on my wall so I know she is always around. Tonight also taught me that I love the art of conversation, even though it sometimes seems to be getting fazed out. The things you may find out if you only listened instead of waiting for your turn to interrupt.

"Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul."
- Oscar Wilde

Down comes the pedestal...

Peaceful: (peece-ful) adj. peace; free from worry, trouble, etc.

Warrior: (worr-ee-ur) n. a soldier or fighter experienced in battle

I spoke to her tonight about so many different things, the most important being us. The fact that she is playing the game safe from all angles, and more than that; that I cannot do it anymore. It takes so much of me to tell her what she means to me, only to have her tell me that she does not feel the same. You know what sucks more than that? The idea that she hides from me...I know I am going to pay for that, but I could not say it tonight. I told her it will be the last I speak of it to her, but it will not be the last I write of it. How many of you out there have had a person touch you in a place you never knew existed? She has and I cannot help but tell her what that means to me...what she means to me. This is not a sad story people, it is not meant to make you cry, or feel similar emotions, or anything like that. It is my way of understanding why things happen to me in my life, why these angels seem to feel that I am a place of solace and compassion. Tonight, I spoke of a pedestal that is built for two - that the person in my life would be up there with me, to view our world together. I was wrong...it took another woman to explain that to me tonight. A pedestal is not what is needed, for they are usually made of soft crystal, and bound to come crashing down around you. A platform is key, yes, but it is one that will be built with two sets of hands, not one; and will be built in tandem, not man-made. This is the hardest thing I will ever do, to deny feelings, and keep my thoughts hidden from her. I just cannot go on like this anymore, I am just not able to do it to her, but, especially, will not do it to myself anymore. You know what is really funny about it all? She understands...of course she understands because that is Nelly's way, right? She speaks of signs, and I plan on disregarding the ones that come my way. I only know of the most important sign of them all: That I am on the right path, and finally headed in the right direction again. When it all comes down to it, I am doing this for me because when the time comes for her, and she sees me for who and what I truly am...then I can look her in the eyes and see the truth for myself. Like I told her - she will either give me mine back, or grant me something in return. I am sorry, but I do hope you understand why I am doing what I am doing. Who am I kidding...of course you understand.

"Para o bom entendedor, meia palavra basta."
- Brasilian saying

A life less forgotten...

Have you ever walked under the cover of rain, and used it as an excuse to freely taste your tears? The last time I did that, I was thinking about the same person as I was today...funny that. There I was, sitting across from her today, when we began our normal routine of learning of who we are, once again. As we sat there, she told me that a friend of hers came up to her last night, and asked if we were together. I was standing across from her at that point, talking to another friend of hers. She looked over at me and said, "No, we are not." The same girl then asked her if I had been hurt before, and Nelly just looked at her; and then I am thinking, she must have looked at me. Is my surface such a slick and glossy veneer, that a person who met me moments before could read that from me? Huh...How many souls are out there that believe their life is judged by another person, family, business, and money? That you must have all these things in order to complete yourself, that you want all these things and will not settle for nothing less. Me? I need other things in my life of a more solid base; to know myself when I look in the mirror, to know that when it came down to walking the extra mile I ran it instead. So, when I stand in front of my maker, I can tell him that I made myself in the best image I knew; my own. To do this, I now know what I must do. I do not believe in being a part of the controlled flock of the masses, but to seperate myself, I must first wage myself into the mix; and rip my life back for my own. Then stand there, and watch as it pants after being winded from its narrow escape, and smiling at me. I owe it to myself, and frankly, no one else. But, I did come to a conclusion on my walk in the rain today. I do owe something to somebody, and it is a debt that will take more than I could have ever imagined of myself. It is to the same woman who granted me life, the same one who is always my biggest fan, and always in my corner. Over four years ago, I hung up the phone and thought I would never hear his voice again; I didn't want to, and even felt like I had done more than my part. Then today, I realized that I am wrong. If I truly want to take my life into my own hands, and rebuuild it, then I must start from the very beginning. It is only suiting that I find out what it is about the man, that would make her decide to have his children. I mean, she is an angel, and so must have seen some good in him, right? So, for her, and maybe a little tiny bit for myself, I will go that extra mile, once again. I cannot let our last words be like that, but I guess that will only be up to him to decide. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance, right? Head up, shoulders straight...now march. Hold on McGinty. Hold on. "Will you take me by the hands and say you understand? Or will you try and drive me down unto my knees? These are chances I must take, and I know I must not forsake your right to do and feel just what you please...But I don't have a lot of time to right the wrongs I left behind; to undo all the damage I have done...So I am calling you to ask for your forgiveness - is that too much to ask of your son? Hey I will be in town tomorrow, can you meet me at the station? There is something I would like to talk to you about..." - Bruce Guthro

Standing on my own...

Just when you think you are all alone in the world, you are proven wrong. I felt like it a few days ago, when everything that has been building up in the last seven months, kind of teemed over its boiling point. A different expectation, a new ideology, old surroundings, minus mountains - these are all the things my eyes have witnessed as of late. I realized that I am not doing what I am meant to be doing, and on top of that, I have no idea what it is I am meant to be doing. So, it seems like the perfect time to switch directions, no? When I spoke of returning to the West Coast, I didn't really mean it, not right now, anyway; and when I talked of travelling down to California, I meant in a few years time. I am here for the next duration of four, maybe five years, unless someone offers me a book-deal in the meantime. I plan on finishing my third draft of my first novel, and then networking that abroad. Like the way I am networking my website - only soon, it will be on a higher level. You know, business cards, and stickers et al. So far, it has been more of my diary, online for all to see, and that is cool for me. I need to hear what people think of my writings, and how they think I may improve them. Soon, I will start to plant seeds of what is to come, and eventually start to set my future straight. For now, I sit and write, and get ready for the end of my first school year, and the upcoming exams. I give thanks to the woman who is investing in my future and who has never given up on me. So, how could I give up now and let her down, hmm?

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Only after you have lost everything are you free to do anything."
- Tyler Durden

Trinity sessions...

I was walking through school this weekend when I spied posters for a discussion on the "Passion of Christ". It intrigued me, and so I headed to the spot on the appointed day, and was only a few minutes late. There were only two girls there, and as I sat down, one had to get up and leave. I made the best of it and proceeded to have a conversation on theology, the life of Christ, the Bible, and especially spirituality...specifically spirituality. I believe that is the true religion people have to embrace because it is the one that comes from within, from your own beliefs and ideas, not from those that were fed to us as children. That it is up to us to walk the road ahead, make our mistakes, and realize that it is okay; that if we slip and fall, we will not be persecuted for our "sins". How will you know if something is wrong if you don't know first-hand? There is a difference between knowing what the road looks like and actually understanding what it feels like under your feet. Just remember the most important thing about who you are - that we are human, and that we are allowed to let down our guards occasionally; that it is okay to have a bad day sometimes. It took a good friend to tell me that yesterday, on a day when I was on little sleep, and the stress of the world led me on the wrong path. Is it normal to forget who you are sometimes? Yeah, it is...and that is so hard to admit but it is needed in the same breath. It is all I can at times; that is, breathe in and breathe out. It is concrete for me, allows me to concentrate on one little act, and attempt to empty my thoughts. They keep me up at night when my defenses are down and out of sight. Just breathe, Todd...just breathe.

Here is why I am finding it hard to breathe - usually, at this time of year, I am in the makings of a major decision. I am deciding whether or not I will move to another location, or return to school. Now, here I am, so desperately wanting to travel and knowing I have to stay put; for the time being, at least. I mentioned yesterday that part of me wants to pack it all up and head back to the West Coast. Nelly looked at me and her eyes searched mine, then said, "You know that is just running away, right?" Once again, how does someone who has only known you for a short time, come to understand you so well? So, yeah, I will be staying here but then right after I am done my commitment to my future I have other plans. I plan on saving money in between now and then, so when it is all said and done, I can buy an old clunker, and bomb my way down the East Coast to the West Coast of California. From there, I will leave everything behind for awhile, and head off on my own walk-about again. Maybe check out the South American Coast for a few months, then ride in the Andes for another, and then make my way to the Orient and teach English for a year. Then, after I have made some money and have some in the bank, I might just head back to the original homeland and share a pint of Guiness with a beautiful Irish lass, and make some cute little Irish kids and...Snap, there I go again, getting way ahead of myself. Breathe Todd, just breathe.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Every problem has a gift for you in its hands."
- Richard Bach

Dropping into the gnar...

Ever drop off a pillow of snow, to a fifteen foot cascade, in which you hit about 30 kilometers? Through a tree run, no less? Where the snow was so deep and soft that you were riding, not snowboarding; gliding, not surfing. The whole time the snow is falling so fat...because the woods you are in are so dense, that they are a tropical snow forest. To me it is the ultimate expression of freedom for the mind, body, and soul of snowboarding. Remembering how that line felt in its infancy, when you were just beginning to hover a surface, leaving a small slash behind you. The genesis of speed, and looking board lengths in front to pick your exit, which is rapidy approaching not twenty metres away. Slicing and checking the mad-on-rush of fuel-pumped-adrenaline, you spy the passage out of this playground in the distance. You lean back tail heavy, back-foot a guided weight, and throw up a rooster of white behind you; up in a plume, falling over your shoulder into your eyesight., and obscurring your vision. But, the line was picked way back when, and you know where to turn, check and jump, right? Bursting between two trees, off that same pillow-top, to land with a whoosh, picking up more speed into the bowl below. Digging deep into the gnar and glancing off, around, and over the buried, small saplings in your path. Here the snow is open with a soft, fluffy base of white; but, it is so deep, it is profound.

That is a memory I had with me today, as I walked along the Bedford Bay, getting drenched in the rainstorm that constitutes spring in the East Coast. An image of riding in Whistler, of last March when it snowed 20 straight days there. And I rode 24 of 29 of them in a row, knowing it would be my last full season in a while.

While I was walking ( and since I can multi-task with the best of them), I started to think about how we can achieve balance in the world - even in our own lives, for that matter. I think it is about those who do understand, and those that do not. At any given points in our lives, we will be both...sometimes both at the same time, as one dawns over the other. Some just want it more than others and others just let it come to them. Makes sense, right? Things change in our lives, and we all must come to conclusions about them, instead of letting them lie as a sleeping dog might. It is funny how this all came from a memory about riding big mountains, beautiful, lush fields of snow...where was I again? Oh yeah, that in those times I would ride, nothing else mattered except my line, my friends, and my family. Depending on the situation, not all necessarily in that order. I am apart of that new breed, the new-age-hippy that embraces technology not sneering at it. A spirituality in which religion is nature: surrounding oceans, salty and clear; distant mountains, green and near. Look at that, I am a poet and didn't know it.

Hey, did you know that Ernesto "Che" Guevara once made a trip around Northern Argentina, by bicycle no less, when he was only 21 years of age? Huh...the things you might find out if only you took the time to read.

"The free lance writer is the one who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps."
- Robert Benchley

Guerrilla tactics...

Imagine watching birds circle overhead on a hot and sunny, summer morning...now imagine seeing the same image framed by the bars of your prison cell window. Such is the fate of Sherman Austin, a 20 year-old student of life; not a conformer or a matyr, but a believer. His is the story of stolen youth - of prosecution, litigation, and now, seemingly, persecution. Sherman was only interested in advising against wrongful propaganda, and instead found his rights to "freedom of speech" revoked. If the intelligence of one such as Austin is repressed, then where is the world headed? Austin started a website (www.raisethefist.com), in which his main objective was only to inform, educate, and forewarn the coming of our future; and instead someone found a loophole to squelch his voice. Unknowingly, one of his sponsored links led to another called the "Reclaim Guide", a bible of sorts on how to make rudimentary bombs, and various methods of disrupting protests. This lead the FBI to believe Austin was the author of how to instigate and cause anarchy; that the young man was on a mission and that his goal was to blow up, to dissolve the Utah Winter Olympics...please, are you serious? Did they ever take the time to really listen to his words? I have not even yet as I only learned of his plight as of yesterday. The more I look into it, the wider my eyes grow with disbelief.

The totalitarian regime that is the United States is out of control - the idea of George Orwell's "1984", is coming true to life before our very eyes. We are the "Big Brother", with our 24 hour "total reality" view on modern day life; our ability to gaze into a person's privacy is open for one and all to see on prime-time television. So many people out there are sheep, following the pack with their head down, eyes closed, and content to graze on the controlled means of information. Then, you have someone valiant and ballsy enough as Austin to come along, rock the system a tad, and he is put behind bars; his balls now placed on the cutting block for all to see as an example. Think of Ernesto "Che" Guevara, a doctor, a revolutionist, a man whose patriotism was so strong that they ended in his execution - and after his death the cutting away of his hands and feet as an example, once again. But they could never cut away his voice, and that his words were stronger than their swords. Upon looking for more information on Guevara, I came across his writings, and and...my god, the man was taken from us because he spoke the truth. He sought balance in human life, a sense of individual control over one's ideas, and that education was the key to all locks. These are the people that are put down, silenced, and left to die while they rot away under their chains. But what about the masses? Are we not larger and stronger than the power elite? Are there not a multitude amongst us that believes in fabricating the right path so that others may emulate our lead? Stand up and fight for what is yours; the right to speech, the right to education of the soul, and fight against the mental slavery of the masses. Become a shepherd, and not one of the flock. The revolution has only yet begun is only in its infancy stages, my friends. It is in mine, at the very least, and will only grow from here...Knowledge is the key and now just show me the lock.

"To sum up, the fault of artists and intellectuals lies in their original sin: They are not truly revolutionary. We can try to graft the elm tree so that it will bear pears, but at the same time we must plant pear trees. New generations will come who will be free of the original sin. The probabilities that great artists will appear will be greater to the degree that the field of culture and the possibilities for expression are broadened." - Ernesto "Che" Guevara

The long walk-about...

Home means so much to every different person, but what does it mean to you? Emotions and feelings are the same for every person, yet on an individual level they are so much more. What is happiness to as compared to me? What makes you sad may not necessarily bring tears to my eyes, right? So why then, do people lump themselves into a big old batch with the rest of the world? We are as opposite from each other in any way possible shape or form...it is the understanding of these ideas that keep us connected. That we all, at various points in our lives, have felt an emotion that rocked us to our very core. We have felt such joy that life has never felt better than it does at that very moment; a contentment in who we are, what we are doing, and, of course, where we are headed. This is the first time in years that I will be in place for longer than a season, for longer than nine months. I called my friend Butta the other day and she apologized for not having called me in a while. In Whistler, time does not exist, my man. You have time for beginning of season, and then you need to figure out what you will do with the time you will have left after season. I am always writing about the anamoly called time, but we all do lose way too many hours debating its meaning. Blah blah blah and some yadda yadda yadda and you may get my drift. I just want to make it home again one day, soar amongst the skies once again, and feel my heart be free from the moorings that so desperately want to keep it tied down. Cut it all free, and throw off your shoes...go for a walk-about on a sunny morning, feel the soft grass under your heels, or maybe a sandy beach - where ever you go, just make sure to pack a light lunch in case you get hungry along the way. You never know how long you might be gone for, right? Or if you even want to return to from whence you came.

"Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough, but not baked in the same oven."
- Yiddish Proverb

Born before the wind...

Numbness: Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent

I sat and listened to her words last night until the early morning came...At one point she asked me where I was, and when I said I was lying in bed, she told me to get up and go to my front door. When I got there, I saw it was snowing outside, and told her so. She said, "Yeah, Todd, someone shook the bubble." I stood there for a few minutes, my head pressed against the door still, and remembered the days when someone would shake the bubble. I would wake up to the sounds of cannons booming in the not-so-far-distance, and knew it was going to be a great day. They would drop their bombs to loosen snow and make it possible for the riders to lay their fresh lines...You know the people; the ones sitting in the chair lift with you, while you are terrified by the buffeting winds and the ever-so-bitter-cold, wondering why you didn't go to Bali for your vacation this year; and we are the ones next to you hollering and screaming into the wind, full of piss and vinegar, and waiting to go rip up the gnar.

Yet, there I was last night, so removed from that place, and instead, standing inside while looking out at a parking lot slowly fill up with the white fluffy white powder I love so much. She even said as much, that, "I know it makes you happy when it snows, Todd." How does someone come to know you so well when they have only known you for so long? Is it because I put my heart out there too much, too easy, and for the last time? Yes, that's right...for the last time. This man has been through much in too short of time to go through it all again. I say it here, for all to see, that I give up the search and let her return to me. That doesn't mean the one who is now to be leaving in a short time either; for I do not believe she is returning to me after all. I only await her return for she is the safe-keeper of something I have no need of right now, and at least, I know she will keep it in a harbour of safe passage.

I never knew when it would be that I would come to this place. It is horrible, and not so nice, but at least, there is no more sadness involved. Now, I can shut off that which has begged to be closed for so long, and yet in all my selfishness, I could not acquiesce. But now? Now is a different story, as I heard words last night that I was unexpecting to hear, yet knew they would not be far away. Angels fall from the sky all the time, did you know that? They want to know what it feels like to be human, to feel pain, to know sadness; to not be so perfect anymore. For some benign reason, some seem to fall right into this man's lap because this is the second one to fall on me in the last four years. Make sense to me though because who is to say that I have not fallen myself during that same time. Now, I will walk again, go and find who I am again, and finally mend my broken wings. Maybe someday, someone will ask me again what pears taste like to me...and really want to know the answer. Feel the north wind blowing and see me standing strong in its breeze.

"Now the wind it is blowing, blowing leaves from the trees
I have got no use knowing that in time it will ease
I don't know where I'm going
I hope I get there soon
For my soul is as hollow as the sorrowful moon"
- David Gray

Irrational Beliefs

What you think you know about yourself, is held tightly in your fist, and you are deathly afraid to open your hand. Inside are all the beliefs you have of who you may think you are: if you are worthy of another's time and affection, if you are ready for life, if you can make it in this life...If, if, if - if only you could see that they are all just irrational beliefs that are so easy to rid yourself of - just open your palm to the wind and let the dusts of time catch them and carry them away from you. It is not so much as letting them go, as it is understanding them and the fact that they have no place in your life, and most definitely have no place in where you are headed. It is that easy and the only hard thing about it is taking the time to listen to your internal wants and know that they are the ones that make sense; they are the ones that push you forward with an intensity to be more...see more, want more, and become more. That is what makes me release my open palm to the wind and let the flow of time take care of the rest. Throughout out it all, I pay attention to the falling sands within the hourglass because no matter how little time I think there is left - I can always see there is more than enough to accomplish what I came for. Yeah baby. Yeah.

"Time is the fire in which we burn." - Gene Roddenberry

What if you only had 24 hours left in this world? How would you spend it? Who would you spend it with and where would you spend it with them? I just finished reading a book that was based on the idea of dying at a certain fixed age, and then awakening at a younger fixed age. This would happen to you over and over...and over again. Just imagine the things you thought you could fix, repair, and completely remodel. A friend of mine gave me that book and said she thought it was the best she had ever read; that is, until she reads my mine - her words and not mine. I mean, I look at the fact that my path was on the same line as the novel; except mine was real and not fictional. I was allowed to wake up with my memories intact, not new ones that are yet to be made. I was also black for 24 hours, and do not remember like almost two days in my life. But you know what? I was surrounded by loved ones who never left my side, and I was in the thoughts of so many others. So remember this when you are out walking, and you think that you are all alone...you are never by yourself when someone else is thinking about you. Even those who only come in for a season mark a strike that forever stays in your memory, right? It just seems that they may be forgotten when suddenly they are out walking alone and in need of a friend. Once again, I always feel that I am always sheltered in that sense as I have people who look at life the way I do, and so we make sure to always be around one another. Not just for 24 hours but a lifetime.

"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life; It goes on."
- Robert Frost

You know what I really want? Someone who would just rent - or maybe even steal...okay not steal because that might mean jail time with a large man named Bubba - a car with me and just drive. Go down the eastern seaboard coast and make our way across lousy America until we made it to California. There we could stop by my friend's tattoo shop and get some ink drawn in, and just hang out on the beaches drinking tequila until the sun dropped down into the pacific ocean...then - of course my road partner would be female - we would fall asleep on the beach, under the stars, and with only a wool blanket to keep us warm.So, one day I could tell my kids what wild and crazy things their father has done and what he used to think of, and then I sit back and ask this question: so does that mean that age brings wisdom or does wisdom come with age? What about experience and the taking of a chance now and then? Does that not add the element of risk into the formula of life? Man, without those thoughts coming into prevalence, I find that existing is not enough, and that we have to do our own episodic release from the everyday to push the envelope - life is too mundane enough as it is, you know?

But, here is something I can understand...I worked until late the other night, and walked home just for the sake of breathing fresh salt-ocean air - minus the fact that I hate paying a cabbie just to SIT in his car. The night air had been brisk but not cold, and my thoughts were as numb as an inuit in his igloo...ahahaha that was a funny analogy; damn I crack myself up. Anyway, I digress, and return to the fact that the ocean was beautiful that night. The lights on the shore lit up up the breezy waves, and the train roosts were silent in their motions. For a few seconds, I stood still and absorbed my life, and all I could do was laugh; and then smile at what I have to give thanks for. Friends, an amazing woman I call Mom, a future in satori, and the makings of something I have never experienced coming around the corner. It is so big that it cannot be contained in my hopes and dreams; it is that big. It may even be years away for all I know, and for all I know that is okay for this man. This man they call Todd, that is. Carpe diem my friends...carpe diem.

"How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a dreary world." - William Shakespeare

Nights alone, nights like these, are so important for the soul - nurturing your inner garden, so to speak. I remember a few summers ago, when I was in between Vancouver Island and Lake Louise, living in suburban hell with my Mom - the suburbia was hell and the heaven was the woman I call Gail; an angel in disguise. My brother and I were at odds...not seeing eye to eye and it hurt me so. I thought I was with the woman of my dreams - someone who would listen to my ramblings and add her own thoughts in, but a few months later that would fall apart. Anyway, this is not a story of sadness or regret - since I do not believe in regret - but, instead it is a story of how important solo time is. The moments or hours, even days and weeks of your life when you are on your own without anyone else to invade your space. That summer was a mad-thinking episode for me - actually, every waking second is for this cat - and I would spend my nights hanging out in the hot, dry, sweltering heat just preparing myself for what came next. There was a man-made lake not minutes from my house and I would usually go for a 2 or 3 am early morning saunter around it to clear my thoughts. At one apex of the walk I came across a park, and it was there that I encountered a side of me that most usually consider too childish. In all the calamity of my thoughts and wondering I was able to focus on a set of swings right in front of me, just waiting to be sat on...so I did. I sat there for a few hours, swinging to and fro, the whole time smiling with unfettered happiness that only comes from such an innocent act. I went over where I was from, what I had done, what I had seen, and most importantly, for an hour or so...was not allowed to ponder where I was going. Not to be narcissistic, but I have been told that I have a gift and I wonder, at times like these, if I am using it to its absolute advantage; its absolute meaning. There is something more for me and I was allowed a chance to find it, right? You do not go through what I went through, survive an awakening of that extreme, just to live a life less ordinary, right? Right...and, so from this moment on, I make a conscious decision to make my life in the image I have always spoke of, to make my life as a writer; to make my life worth writing about and to realize what has come before is what makes that which awaits in the future. I am not big on dedicating to many but in this piece I do it for three ladies in my life...the one who has never left my side since the day I was born, and to this very second had always been my biggest supporter. The second is one who has been there for half of my life, had always known I would one day make it as a writer, and will not let me be anything else other that - and has told me in those exact words...my best friend and always will be. The other? Huh...she is heading out on her very own solo walk-about in the not-so-distant-future and when she goes, so goes my heart. Thank you ladies...Carpe diem and never ever let the day seize you.

"Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back; a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country." - Anais Nin

We all know what it can be like...you meet someone new, someone enticing to the senses, and they show you what life might be like with them. You want nothing but to be around them, hold them, and excite them. All of this becomes wrapped up into one big package of lovely, finger-licking goodness and sometimes before you know it, the wrapping comes unglued. So, what do we do, you may ask? Well, you can either harp on the loss of wrapping, go out and buy some more of the same, or do what I am going to do: enjoy the ride as I unravel my life and prepare for the future. Just picture me as I am twirling all about in the summer sun, arms all askew, and looking forward; always looking forward...whee-hee-hee. Look at me - I'm spinning like a mad-man, all top and no bottom peeps. Whatever you do, do not bother to stop my momentum cuz where I am going is only where the fortunate get to go. Carpe diem.

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning."
- Albert Einstein

Bam...its not gone but I have no idea where it went. Eventually boarding a boat in the States and sailing around most of the world. A reason, a season, and a lifetime, my friends, that is what it all comes down to. Some come to teach you something or you teach them; whichever it is, their stay is brief and to the point. Then, bam...they are gone. What you take from the time spent, is up to you and up to them, and then we have the next line of learning. Some other people come in for a bit longer to stay and warm their bones, rest their tired minds, and receive instead of leave. Eventually, as all things must, their time comes to an end, and bam...they are gone. This time limit is not quite as short but that depends on the person and how they measure another's importance. Finally, there are those that stay for the duration, bring with them knowledge and burning passion that can never burn out; no matter how much the masses throw water on it. Are they necessarily in your life the whole time or always around in the background? Every time I think I have the answer, I learn that there is more than one algorithm to solve any given problem - that is what makes life the glorious journey it is. I want to travel again, see the world through different eyes, walk foreign soils, and kiss exotic lips that taste like...like something I have never before had the opportunity to taste. Is it time for that now? Or do I stay put and finish what I am beginning? The building of roots only to rip them up again anyway, one day not too far away when I can't take the madness of normal, everyday conversation...yup, once again, my mind wants to reach for that supposedly untouchable level while my soul knows everything is attainable - if we only ask for it. I need answers that are not forthcoming and only can be told by the passage of time...screw it, and screw it all; just screw it. I am going underground and learning what makes my thought so different, so unusual, so...me. World domination, baby. Hell yeah. Bam...there it is in the distance.

"The sun's rays don't bother me, no they cast down such a wonderful heat; masking beauty by a terrible fate...if you fly to close and then you turn too late/ The night still confuses me, we all get tired and sleep eventually; regardless of the sun's demands, regardless if it made much sense...You moved so far that I know how far and you got so sad that I bought a car - yes I will come get you and I will bring you home/ You sat me down and said he was incomplete; he thinks that true love is gonna get him back on his feet/ He says you only find love once in your life, so I guess when you find it, you're gonna hold it right; you hold it right/ It makes no sense cuz there is no sense in it at all and we all wait around for you to get tired and fall...yes your shadow it resumes with me yes your shadow it was made for me/ She speaks clearly he speaks loudly; I speak only clearly loudly...yes my shadow well it resumes with me; yes my shadow yes it was made for me...She told me love will come once in your life and once you find it you will hold it right/ You moved so far that I knew how far and you got so sad that I bought a car - yes I will come get you and I will bring you home; I will come get you and I will say...welcome home." - Sara and Teegan

So I was told today that my writings can sometimes be too heavy...Yup, I can go with that, but it is who I am but yet, at the same time, there is so much more that makes up me. So, for those of you who are interested to see another side of me; here you go.

I dust off my funny ha-ha hat and bring you a story of a semi-rainy, autumn night in downtown Vancouver. I was out street skating with Sean and Heffe - just guys being guys and causing trouble with the local, um, uh...street-life? So, eventually we took refuge from the rain under a bank awning, and attempted to warm our wet bodies. I was standing across from Sean when it happened - Heffe (which means 'Boss" in Spanish) skated by us, and pretended to slip on the wet sidewalk. He kind of grinned at us, and himself, before suddenly his wheel actually did catch in a small innocous puddle. In a split second, the board under his feet shot forward with his back foot still on the grip tape. But his back foot? It slipped off, and somehow someway, kicked back behind him just as his body was falling to the ground. At the same time his body made contact with the cement, his left foot came up and kicked him in the head...Just picture that okay? His leg did not so much fall underneath him so much as it bent back, G.I. Joe style, and kicked his own head. Sean and I just stood there in shock and watched it happen. Heffe jumped up to stare at us with a wild look in his eyes; a question of what he had just felt being true or not. We looked at him, and both said, "Yeah, man, you just kicked yourself in the head!" We all started laughing at what just happened, and to this day I still cannot believe that the human torso is capable of something like that, you know? We are not meant to bend that way, but for that one night, Heffe broke all the rules and made it happen. The last time I saw him was in Vancouver and that was like 3 years ago; I wonder what it is that he is doing now and where he might seehis life going. Sean is a different story and I ended up living with him last year in Whistler - yup, just me, him, and Butta all in a tiny one bedroom apartment, living up the high life of a dream in the mecca that is Whistler. It is funny how some friendships stray and how others are never given the chance to get off the ground.

But that, my friends, is another story for another day at another time - no more heavy stuff, right? Right. Hey, who has two thumbs and loves ice cream? This guy right here (picture the author with his thumbs pointing at his chest for the full effect).

"Ever notice how it is a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal." - Stephen Wright

Have you ever sat back and wondered about the things that cause strife in your life? What would you do if you were able to center in on them and come up with a solution for them? I mean, who wants strife in our life, right? Here is my "strife" and some would kind of laugh at me for it - I have this crazy tendency to have these beautiful women come into my life, fall in love with me, and then something happens to take them away from me. Then I sit back and wonder why they came, what they came for, and why they had to leave me...I talked about this with a close friend last night and she started laughing at me, and called me a lucky bastid. "Todd", she said, "Do you know that most people would give anything to feel love for just one of those times?" Huh, I thought, after we hung up...Huh.

So, here I am again - I didn't want to be here in this same place again, but I had no control over it. After the way things went last time, I had decided to sit back and delve into the underground that is me again. Then, one day, this woman looked at me in a way she never has before, and I was smitten. There, I said it, and now it is out in my open; and therefore, I place it out in her open. I have felt almost kind of shame for starting to fall in love with her, but to say that is to slight her, when she deserves nothing but respect. When something this special comes around, do not grasp tight but let it have room to breathe, as you would ask the same of yourself. Mine has touched me in a place I never knew existed until she came around - how many of us can actually say that? We can read our thoughts before they barely even enter our minds, tell the other, and laugh at how simple it really can be. Time plays a game on us, but that is okay because one day time will be ours. Ours to share, ours to celebrate, and ours to do with it as we may. But, to have that time I am told that I will have to step back and do something I have never done before. I have to go and find a middle ground for the first time in my life - I am a person who has only known one extreme or the next and now I am in the process of learning something new. A middle ground means accepting balance in my life and I cannot find any fault in having balance; could you?

So, if you have a special someone you want to tell how you feel, how they make you feel, or even if they just make you smile...Tell them because you may never know when the chance will come again as life is beautiful; but ever-so-fleeting. Just remember to breathe along the way...

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole world would change." - Buddha

I remember, years ago, sitting on a bench in downtown Nanaimo and pondering what my next step would be. Was I to move to another set of mountains or go back to school? At that same time, I recall watching a sea-plane take flight and leave the calm waters of the harbour in its wake; if only I could have done the same. It wasn't too long after that when my life began to take another form, away from the perfunctory way of daily living until then...My search for her led me to a copy of her, away from her, and into the mountains where I thought she might be hiding out - away from the world and awaiting my arrival. I listened to the words of a song about a dream-girl - one that fit so perfectly that it could not be meant to lead me astray - and my questioning lead me deep into peaks of snow and oceans of soft sand. But, my hunt was one of unfulfillment, sadness, but yet, one of insight and understanding. My last five years were not a waste, but they were needed to spend the time in between to ready myself; to become the man I am on the way to becoming. Along the way though, I passed by and saw so many imitations of the real deal, and they all threw monkey wrenches into my plans. But now? I am where I wanted to be from so many years ago, and even though my reason for coming back was not based on her, it ended up that I would meet her here. I heard a rumour that she loved the mountains and the snow, but I went there and found it to be just that - a rumour and not the truth. How was I to know that it would happen in the most basic place; a place I had left long ago, and upon my return found her there. Not so much waiting for me, but instead, actually planning her departure. That, my friends, is what makes it real to me - that more time is needed to understand my innerself, making myself, and most important of all...wait for her return to me. She is my original in a row of impostors, but our time is not exactly right now...but it is not that far away. How can I know this u may ask? It's pretty easy actually - I have always asked a question for one particular reason...and always held my breath as I waited for the reply. Then, one innocuous night of conversation, I recieved the answer I always wanted. It is that simple...Mine is the story of the shepherd boy who meets his match on the other side of the equator, and who now just has to bide his time until she is ready for me. Huh...life and what it throws at me is the reason why I wake up every morning with a smile, and prepare to take on the coming day. Minus that first groggy half - hour, that is. Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"The rumours of heaven only speed the truth on earth
My dark angel shine your light on my curse
You are the other that I have to find
Until I do, I guess I'll see you round my mind." - Blue Rodeo