Collision repair...

After de-railment happens, you find yourself out of sorts, and crashing through the underbrush; out of control and blind to your upcoming future destination. Sometimes, though, it is not always as bad as you had thought it would turn out to be. Sometimes, at times like these, it can be cushioned with a big, huge pillow, and the landing is not so extreme. This is to be my first summer in Halifax, and I am looking forward to it. The last few days have been nice and sunny, my place of employment has a beautiful harbour front view; and I should be able to accomplish some goals this season. It is funny that I am now referring to summer as "season", but it looks like the leaves are growing on the trees and it is so cool to see them take life. A changing of the seasons hey? Huh...funny that.

Do you believe in karma? That what happens, happens for a reason, and our actions based on those occurences, somehow play out in our later days? I do, and I feel that I may have played out the karma dealt to me, and that is time for something else. I feel an upswing in my future, and it is so close, that I can smell it...because it is standing right next to me. I am now in the minute, can feel another change in me, and knowing that it will only lead to good things. I will always sit back and wonder at the awe that we call life. For all the times it can slap you around, it can also hold you in the palm of its hand, and place you where you most need to be. I laugh when I think that my plans this summer consist of working, playing guitar (soon to buy one and will update y'all), and saving money for school. Okay, throw in some ink in there, with a trip to Newfoundland for Festival, and the rest to be saved. I laugh as I think of how long it has been since I saw the summer leaves in St. John's, and how it has been long overdue for me to see them again. I laugh because this is the most structure I have had in the last five years, and I am loving every minute of it. Why you may ask? Well, since you ask...I laugh because I know, one day not more than fours years from now, that I will be shattering that same structure. Then rebuilding it somewhere else, on foreign soil, but in a place I have always needed to be. I am held in the palm, as we all are when we least expect it. It is shown that we have learned a lesson, and it it time to come to the next in line. I am here, am only moving forward, but hey...no more bricks okay?

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"I had a dream I was moving forward, floating gently to the sun
Come to see my world rewarded...a new day has begun.
Now I can see the earth below me and I can feel it turn.
Fog lifts to reveal potential for generations prophesized,
Our growth to be exponential...the promise is finally realized."
Now I can see the earth below me and I can feel it turn.
Feel it turn across the sky,
For the world it learns, so must I." - Great Big Sea

Slow burn...

Scar: (skar)n. A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or a wound has healed

I think I held my dream so tight that I didn't allow room for it to breathe. Now that I have placed its burden down, and stepped aside, I can see that it is unsure...that it does not know what to do now. Funny that I speak of it this way, but it has been such a huge force in my life, for so long, and for so many years. Maybe it is me that is unsure, and does not know where to turn next.

Why is it that I always seem to be in this exact same place over the last five years? It is weird that this happens to me, and if it is some sort of cycle, then please let me out - I have been through the rinse enough to know that the spin comes next. I just do not want to do it anymore, you know? The excitement turns to uncertainty, and then the uncertainty to doubt, until I end up back where I started...by myself, and sporting some new, albeit funky, scars. But, dammit, I have enough scars, and now I need time to heal all those marks left behind; to heal the person left behind. Oh yeah, that's right...that would be me.

You know what though? It is not that bad...this new place that I am in. I see what is in front of me, where I am headed, and I know it is so bright that it is the only I can see for miles and miles. I can almost imagine I feel the cold brass of the ring as my fingers take their hold. It is that close, that near, and I can almost taste it. Oh yeah baby, oh yeah. A change for the better is rising on the wind. Can you hear it?

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"From age to age, nothing changes, and yet everything is completely different."
- Aldous Huxley

Seperating of the senses...

I wrote not too long ago of the passing of my friend, Lennie, but tonight I will write about a new life instead. My close friend Amy, a Canadian living in Australia, is the new mother of beautiful little Ava Leora. I almost believe I can see Amy's wisdom in her eyes, and essentially already know she will have inherited her mom's wanderlust to boot. They are coming back to our soil in August I think, so I will have to see fit to go visit sometime in the coming year; it would be good to see Vancouver in the summer again. But before I do that, I will be making plans to go back home for the George Street Festival at the end of July. There may be a chance of meeting my brother's new son, the nephew I have yet to hold in my arms, and breath in the smell of new life.

I remember when my phone rang last summer, while I was hanging out with my friend Kim at my Whistler residence. It was my brother calling from the highway somewhere in North Carolina with the news of Connor's birth. He was such a proud pappy and I could hear my nephew gurgling in the background. It was so awesome to know my family was branching out and we were welcoming it with arms wide open. At the time, I was in transition of getting ready to leave the mountains for my move back to the East Coast, beginning school at the age of thirty, and leaving behind one lifestyle for a completely different one; one of scholarly pursuits and not my usual soul search for snow. It had been a year of new openings for me, learning about myself, and travelling so far down the rabbit hole that I had to leave behind a bread trail to locate the exit. I was healing a separated shoulder - the bone still sticks out a sore thumb - and thought I was soon to be heading to meet the woman I wanted to marry.

Quick story while on the topic of life - since mine always seems to be a little more strayed than your normal, everyday versions. Picture this if you will: Imagine having a photograph of a girl years before you meet her, and then have that same female sit behind you in class, not three years later. Imagine not putting two and two together until another fours years down the road. Now see yourself being best friends with her for fifteen years while not even seeing her once, in the last ten of those. Finally, conceptualize going to see her again when she was now a woman... I was returning for an education, yes, but had been in love with her from the time I laid my sixteen year-old eyes on her, and was planning on telling her so. But, on our first night of reunion, I was beat to the punch, as I listened to her tell me she was the one who had been in love with me for the last decade. Now imagine all those variables, plus the addition of both of us being single, and if you have been reading my posts, then you can also refer to my dream. It all made sense because we had spent our friendship always talking about having our rocking chairs picked out together...amazing how two people who seemed so destined to be together could turn out to be so wrong and different from one another. How it could strain a once unbreakable bond, and turn it into pliable jello; until not even the sugar can hold it together. Now imagine not only feeling your heart break, but hearing it as well.

I am not done yet, dear readers, not even by a long-shot...after that, imagine spending time with a co-worker, who when you first saw her, you knew she had something to do with your life. Meeting her when you thought you were with the woman of your dreams, yet feeling guilty for even thinking of her in that way. Imagine that she turns out to be your Kris Kringle pick months later, and your best friend/love of your life, not only picks out the gift for her; but spends twenty minutes wrapping it, and hand-delivering it via you. As in, here you go, here, have Todd because I will be setting him free soon. Sit there one night a few months after that, as she gives you the answer to a personal riddle you have posed to humans for the last three years; ever since you woke up in a hospital bed, full of new life and ready to battle all your demons. Now imagine having to set her free because she is preparing to spend the next three or four years sailing the world, and not only dealing with that, but actually coming to an understanding of it...then not even a month after that, see yourself losing a close friend to murder and an unfair revoked second chance on life. All, one on top of the other...now imagine the fact that you feel stronger than ever, and knowledge of that this too will pass.

Now some will know why I have placed my dream on the top shelf; why I must learn to fashion a hollow from within. For the first time in my life, I see that this is my path, and if we ever do meet it is because we are both headed the same way. Until that day, I will do like always: head up, shoulders straight...now march. Always forward with no regrets, and only maybe a few looks behind over my shoulder. My time is now, what better time is there?

"Scars are souvenirs you will never lose
Past is never far...and did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life...is more than who we are?"
- Goo Goo Dolls

Silent Observer...

It is like I am looking down at myself...I am high above, and below is this solitary figure. It is the side of me that doesn't understand that I am no longer lost, that my life is almost ready; almost, but not quite yet. First, there is my spirit remaining to fight my inner demons, and rid myself of all the things they come between. I want to pound on the window and scream aloud, but why would I? It would come to naught, for I am on a search...a way to tap the void, to empty it, and leave it hollow. That is it, isn't it? To totally understand yourself, you must first step aside and accept who we are. To realize what is meant to stay and what we need to rid our souls of.

Not too long ago, I spoke to a friend about my ghost that lingered behind, and how I felt it was time to lay his image to rest. I have come to see that I was wrong, and instead, I must offer my hand in assistance. It must be my own doing that pulls me out from the depths of my past, and points the way to my future. Alone, I am incomplete and partially assembled, but in making myself, I am stand united and ready to make the journey home. I am so much closer with every passing day, and every morning brings with it renewed hope. Loosen the reins, my man, and let your spirit ride free again.

So, once more, a time is upon me. Actually, it is not once again...it is something I have never been through. To fashion a portion of my soul so it is hollow; a place where the feelings of dis-ease rest before they are dealt with. Once resolved, through rightness and clear vision, I can relinquish them, and release their hold on me.

To my friend on the ground level, I want you to realize that you are closer than you may think. You are on a path of reason, even though it may not seem so right now...at times like these. That is why our time is one of separation; of paths diverging, only to meet again down the road. You know what is more amazing than that? We both know what lies waiting in our future. It always has been, and is now up to only us to walk the last steps.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Caught the waves wrinkle the moon, and they kissed my body just beyond the shore
I talked you into a stone and skipped you across the water...but it was me who was really sinking.
Lay me down
Down on the bottom
Come crashing over me
You'll be a dancer as I try to catch you."
- Wide Mouth Mason

Life in satori...

It is hard at times, times like these, that is...to sit down and study while my mind wanders and my soul experiences images of wanderlust. For some reason, during my rampant Biology session, I had a flash of being in Thailand - warm waters falling from the sky all around us. I say us because there was a girl with me, although I could not see her face, but did have her wrapped up in my arms. Huh...so what does that say? That Thailand is on the future map and that I may see it before this life is done? That I may hold a woman there in a warm, protective embrace and only then will my vision make sense to me? I have this crazy bug-ass imagination that is always running wild, and sometimes it even runs wild while carrying scissors - a dangerous act, I tell you; running wild with scissors because that is how accidents happen and the sane become dubbed the insane. But, back to Thailand, and that girl again...nah, forget it. I will just wait until it happens, and it will happen because I know how my life takes these crazy turns when I least expect them to. The last two years have been full of ups and downs; a crazy roller coaster that has not even reached its half-way mark yet...and is only gathering steam.

Let me start from the beginning for you, my dear readers. About five years ago, I had a dream...not your normal, every-night, sort of occurrence, but, one so real and so true, that it scared me. So, I decided to follow it, to see what might happen if I did. You see, my dream was about a girl, and this girl is the one that I will meet in this lifetime. Many have asked how I know this, and I can only answer that I just know, you know? So, if you don't know, now you know...sorry, I have a tendency to be a fool at times. She had long brown hair, soft eyes, a sexy smile, and a person comfortable in her own skin. She looked at me in a way I have always wanted to be looked at, and I remember sitting and talking with her on some bleachers...then I woke up and she was gone. You ever have that happen before? You meet someone in your sleeping hours, yet somehow know you will meet them again in your waking days? So, anyway, I had the dream, knew I had to find her, and was deciding what I was going to do next - you know, where would I go, when would I start, and all those logistics. Then it happened one random night while I was driving home and listening to a new CD. There was this one song, you see, and it was all about this dream a guy had, and how it involved this girl...how everything she said made sense, and that he knew who she was; yet why he dreamed of her was something he did not have the answer for. It was that night that I realized my life had a purpose, that it had meaning to it, and I saw that I had to embark on a journey...and I have been on it ever since. It was as if some unseen force began pushing me from behind, moving me forward with so much hurriedness; telling me to start now, not yesterday, but today.

That was over five years ago, and in those five years I have come to see so many sights that they have become some of my favorite things...sunsets so beautiful that they look as if painted upon a canvas sky, watching the dawn rise in a sprinkling of dust over the Canadian Rockies, chasing waves across a sandy beach in the beginning hours of nightfall, riding a field of white powder, and so many shared times of laughter with friends. I even survived death in between those years...now, here I am, once again. I came back to the place I always knew I would return, and believed that I had taken the necessary steps to be with her; a time for us together. But, once again, I was wrong. I have come to see that my reason for returning back to my roots was to only silence, yet again, another ghost. Then, I met her...and my world is once more turned upside-down, inside-out, and my dreams are no longer welcome to me.

My friends will read this, and most likely laugh because they already know the story...you know what, though? For the time being, I will be placing it on my top shelf, so it can no longer be a distraction to this lone, sometimes weary traveller. I will be concentrating on other projects, other ideas that need my attention instead. That is not to say it is being forgotten, but only being put on hold...for now. My road awaits.

"Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real."
- Tupac Shakur

Coffee stained thoughts...

Ever find yourself up late, and with so many thoughts in your head that you cannot sleep? Yup, so here I am, in that same spot right now, and so unsure as what to write...makes me think of what the defiler of shoes wrote - about writing with a purpose and not just for a journal. So, okay, I am going to delve right into the nitty-gritty of it all.

What do y'all know about drugs? Have you ever taken any? Known someone who has or been around someone on them? I am not talking about marijuana here, peeps, I am talking about the hard stuff...coke, E, Special K, shrooms, crank, meth, speed, whatever your flavour may be. Do you think it to be innocuous and a basic little "hobby" or "something to do?" Do not fool yourselves, kids, it is more than you will ever make it out to be. I am not up here on my portable soap-box, spouting off rhetoric for the sake of hearing my own voice - although it does take a sexy deep timbre late at night - I am speaking from experience, from self-acquired knowledge. I believe there is nothing wrong with smoking a joint now and then, or even imbibing in some well-earned nights of drinking or partying. We all need to blow off steam, somehow, someway, at times. No, I am talking about letting something control your life, where you need to get "high" to have fun, to enjoy your life...to make your time here go by that much faster. Drugs are bad, mmmkay? They take away from what you already have; they take your mind, your freedom, your existence. I know, peeps, I know they do...Let me tell you a small story, okay?

So, there I was, all messed up on drugs, having a good time, and not caring about where my life was headed. I had amazing friends, a nice girlfriend, two jobs, and was thoroughly enjoying my time on earth. Or was that just the drugs telling me that? Huh, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I used to get so high that the only thing that mattered was how long the high would last for, and where we could get more drugs...sound familiar to anyone? The new year was up and coming, and we were partying like it was 1999...wait a second, it was 1999. Huh, funny that. So, anyway, you guys do not want to hear the rest, it is not important; it only involves me getting right messed up on way too many narcotics, detaching myself from my friends, getting lost, and oh yeah...some time after that ending up hurting myself real real bad. Who of you want to hear a story like that? One of a life-altering-occurrence that opened up this cat's eyes, and made my future loom so true and close, that all I could do was place one foot in front of the other and follow my new path. Changed my life so much that I came to see that we can all change our lives if we want; with or without the drugs, preferably without. I have a tattoo on my upper left shoulder - well, almost all of my left shoulder actually - that is how I look at my life...the phoenix that arises from the ashes of its former self; stronger, faster, and ready for what comes next. Funny what I will write when I have no idea what to say hey?

If you are curious, do not know who I am, and want to hear my stories, then leave a comment for me pertaining to them. If you know me, but do not know that story and want to hear it, then leave a comment saying so and I will more than happily oblige. Until then, I will not allow this to be my online journal, but sometimes...things have a funny way of working out, right? Right.

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you are making too much money."
- Robin Williams

Lifting of the fog...

There I was, standing on a rooftop and gaining another perspective on the city that is Halifax. J2 and I were taking a break from our monumentous night of nine hours of studying for Stats, when we went up to his rooftop for a breather. On our first trip, the condensation was so low, we could barely see anything and the ocean was non-existent in sight. It reminded me of days jogging on the beach in Tofino, when I would run along the sand and not be able to see the ocean for the fog. It was weird to hear it at my feet but not be able to see it; until later that morning when the fog would lift like a nun's habit on her wedding night. When the next time we went for a smoke, the fog has disappeared and we could see all of Bedford, the Bridge, and the lights sprinkled across the water...it was so peaceful, and my heart so in need of some minor quiet. Then we returned once again to study stats - yay for stats!! Yay!!

My time up top made me think of where I can go with my creativity - I stood there and bounced ideas off of Jordan, and what I want to start up as my business. I stayed up late after he had gone to sleep...finished my studying, and placed pen to paper to make some designs. Damn, I think I may have something here...Nelly, you reading this? If I talk to you after you see this, we need to talk, and I need to bounce shit off of you...like always. The long run of it is that I can honour my Boy Lennie in a time - respected fashion that will be more than a trend; more than a fad for everyone to know who he was, and what will remain of his soul. At the same time I can go about the task of making myself so when you all meet me, you will know who I am. I know, I know, I am not exactly giving out real information, but it will be up and coming in the next six months. Just hold on McGinty. Hold on.

I may have found my purple elephant.

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."
- William Jennings Bryan

Falling raindrops...

I stood there, in the freezing rain and falling snow, outside the church. Inside they were saying mass for my friend, and outside there was standing room only, and many were standing in the cold to pay their respects...saying goodbye to Lennie. I walked down to the cove and just reflected on so many things; anything to get my mind up and away from where it was. How do you say goodbye to someone like him? I never got enough time to truly know him, but the time we had, we made the most of. Does he know how many people were there, and if so, does he also know how he touched so many souls? I held Nelly close, tried to be strong, and payed my respects to my man. I, I, I...I am at a lost for words to express my emotions, both mingled in with sadness and also anger. Anger at the fact that his child will never know their father, and will only have information from the man that is now becoming part myth, part legend. What did Nelly say? That it will be a happy day when his child is born for no matter where they go, they will always be protected and watched over.

Tears fell from so many eyes, and even the tough shed some salt. How could we not? A life so young that did not have to leave our presence, did not have a need to be taken in such a violent manner. I am starting to find some closure, find some sense in all the madness, and continue on with my life. It is the only thing to do, to take the life that we have and live it for ourselves...to travel foreign soils, meet new faces, and always keep those close to us close in our hearts. The last time I stood in standing-room only was at my friend Steve-O's funeral, and once again, there was so many people to say goodbye to an angel that was taken before their time. Keep each other company until I arrive guys, and then we can share all the stories when we meet again.

Time will pass but your memory never will, your laugh always in my thoughts, and I look ahead to the awaiting future; the falling drops of rain that soon will give away to a rainbow of hope.

Rest in peace Len-dog, and rest assured you are missed.

"Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich tresures, beautiful souls and interesting people."
- Henry Miller

What now?

So, I found out my confirmation last night, the one about my friend. You ready for this? He was murdered, then dumped into a dumpster like yesterday's trash, and then set on fire. Who the fuck does that? Who has it in them to take a life and pretend it is nothing? He was on a path of self-alignment, a path of new life, and now he has nothing to leave behind but a legacy of grief. Yeah, I am hurting right now, but I also feel myself shutting down, and turning away from the outside world. All I want are my friends, the ones that understand, and everyone else can go fuck themselves. Is that too much for you? Let me tell you this...it is too much for me.

All around me I feel my world falling apart - from my faded, torn jeans, to my once solid friendship, to the very bottom of my soul. There is so much hurt right now that I cannot even feel it, which only means I will one day in the future...when I least expect it. Do you know what it is that I am really going to miss about Lennie? That I never got a chance to really know him...I was only there for the rising of his spirit and the crashing of his fall. Damn, this is not supposed to be this way, people, we do not say goodbye to our friends in this manner. They are meant to be around when you achieve your success, to relish your ideas, and see you home until the end. Fuck it, fuck it all; just fuck it. Don't let these moments pass you by, do not let the people that mean something to you go unnoticed. Tell them what they mean to you, show them they are important, and never forget what being a friend means.

"Scrawled upon the wall of a bathroom stall
A stranger wrote a note that spoke to all...
One, two, buckle my shoe - take care of me because I might be you."
- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Life or death?

One is happening and the other is going to happen, right? One is offered to us in an inhale, and the other can be taken away in our exhale. I know what it is like to stray from the path and head down the wrong roads, so I also know I will not do it again. I have felt the fear of being lost, and not knowing where to turn next...will it be the right way or a dead-end? That does mean I have to give up? Does that mean that death comes for us all, so we might as well roll over and pretend we already are? Where is the fight in that? What about your will to survive and not only survive; but dominate. Whose life are you living this for anyway? For them, so they can be happy for yours instead of finding it in their own? My man, I have not only seen what the road looks like, but I walked it so I would understand what it felt like underfoot. You cannot make that long journey to the otherside only to turn back and return from whence you came...it doesn't work like that. The key is moving forward, pushing ahead, to be better, smarter, stronger, and made of steel; not of paper mache.

I just found out that I may have lost a friend today, and I say may because I do not know for sure right now. But, it is not looking that good...he was walking on his path when he slipped and fell. Then he got frustrated with it all and started to backtrack. Why did you do it brother? You had life by the balls and life was upcoming for you...your own flesh and blood my man; your own flesh and blood. I was even warned about it but became so caught up in myself that I forgot what being a friend means. Now I am left behind to try and figure it all out. To see someone come that far to fall that behind is not a travesty...it is a mockery. That is not the way to be shown the exit to life, and that is not the proper entrance for the life up and coming.

I woke up over four years ago, in a hospital bed, with wires sticking out of me, and I had a broken back and a fractured skull. Like my friend, I was given a second chance to live, to grow, and to mend my broken wings. I have been wondering in the years since if I was using that knowledge to my advantage...and I now know that I am. Time is not the monster I have always seen it as; when you want it to speed up, it crawls, and when you want it to slow down, it hurtles by with the eagerness of an unmanned locomotive. But, I have come to see that it allows for learning, for seeing, and for loving. Do you have someone you want to tell that you love them but they do not want to hear it? Tell them anyway because you might not know when they aren't around to hear it from your lips.

Rest in peace, my brother. May you now finally have some.

"There are only three sins - causing fear, causing pain, and causing anguish. The rest is only window dressing."
- Roger Caras

Dakine: the shit; the best (Urban Dictionary)...

Random conversations this weekend that varied from some surface, to agruement and debate, and some words about writing. I am doing a lot of that again lately, and starting to seriously progress on my book. It is strange to think that, and then I look down to see that I am. I received an email from a friend of mine from High School - yes, from the Rock - that I have not seen in over 10 years, and just yesterday he asked me how the book was going. So, I am starting to see that people are looking at my site, and that makes me ponder...does that mean you like my stuff? Is it dakine for some? If so, then I haven't even shown anything yet...this is just some of my modern day stylings, some rambles, and, yes, sometimes I may mention angels. But, who out there reading this, knows where I came from? That I survived a lifestyle that almost brought death, and that I have stories coming out of my ying-yang? Did I just write that down? Good because I meant to...I know, I know, but I want to see what pushes people's buttons, what makes them want to become a lost sheep and stray from the main pack. I see myself as an Alpha Male - although my brothers all think they are - and I might be the one to lead you away, since I have been called a little crazy and a bad influence. What bonds can be formed through words that grow strong, and with those that conspire to never allow them to be broken? I have seen many a friend come and go in the last number of years in my life, and others that have survived the burn. Here, I am, forming roots that I will one day most certainly rip up, only to place them down again...in some other place, in some other time. But no matter what you do, make sure they know who you are; make sure you leave your legacy. While there may sometimes be brambles and thorns, at others there will be a rose, or two, to smell along the road. For a reason, a season, and a lifetime...Carpe diem.

"Go write your message on the pavement
Burning so bright I wondered what the wave meant..." - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Just one of those days?

The day went kind of smooth today; had class, went to class, and dropped off some things downtown. Spent most of my day at school, in and out of it, and then hung out at a friend's place. Got into this huge conversation about American soft power, and Republics, brushed across Ernesto Guevara, and even touched on the Boston Tea party; or the origins, there-about. Briefly mentioned writing and allowed time to focus on the upcoming future. But, mainly on civilization, and where it is headed. What I am doing in school and all that jazz; then, somehow, someway, a little bit later, the conversation focused on my English Professor. She is pretty cool, but one of the last people I thought would know in common with a perfect stranger. He mentioned the first name of a friend of his, then noted something about her, and I supplied her last name for him. Huh...it is one of those things that kind of tap you on the shoulder and go, "Hey, you need to pay attention to this." You, see, my English Professor is the one that will be editing my book - and if you are reading this, I am working dilligently on it - and it all seemed like a little sign. One of those puzzle pieces fitting together, so to speak. It makes me realize that my calling is to be a writer, that all these things happen for a reason, for my own purpose. It is like another friend of mine, Caitlynn: we both know the same person, and in the same fashion, we both found out by my giving a description of something, and her acknowledgement of the same place. She mentioned a friend who talked of it, said her first name, and I dallied up her last. She also died a few years ago, not too many summers ago. And Caitlynn's connection to writing? Only that the last time she wrote for herself, was when Katie Maddox died. Funny hey? Not funny ha-ha, or funny amusing, and definitely not funny like a clown. I miss her sometimes, and I have her picture on my wall so I know she is always around. Tonight also taught me that I love the art of conversation, even though it sometimes seems to be getting fazed out. The things you may find out if you only listened instead of waiting for your turn to interrupt.

"Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul."
- Oscar Wilde

Down comes the pedestal...

Peaceful: (peece-ful) adj. peace; free from worry, trouble, etc.

Warrior: (worr-ee-ur) n. a soldier or fighter experienced in battle

I spoke to her tonight about so many different things, the most important being us. The fact that she is playing the game safe from all angles, and more than that; that I cannot do it anymore. It takes so much of me to tell her what she means to me, only to have her tell me that she does not feel the same. You know what sucks more than that? The idea that she hides from me...I know I am going to pay for that, but I could not say it tonight. I told her it will be the last I speak of it to her, but it will not be the last I write of it. How many of you out there have had a person touch you in a place you never knew existed? She has and I cannot help but tell her what that means to me...what she means to me. This is not a sad story people, it is not meant to make you cry, or feel similar emotions, or anything like that. It is my way of understanding why things happen to me in my life, why these angels seem to feel that I am a place of solace and compassion. Tonight, I spoke of a pedestal that is built for two - that the person in my life would be up there with me, to view our world together. I was wrong...it took another woman to explain that to me tonight. A pedestal is not what is needed, for they are usually made of soft crystal, and bound to come crashing down around you. A platform is key, yes, but it is one that will be built with two sets of hands, not one; and will be built in tandem, not man-made. This is the hardest thing I will ever do, to deny feelings, and keep my thoughts hidden from her. I just cannot go on like this anymore, I am just not able to do it to her, but, especially, will not do it to myself anymore. You know what is really funny about it all? She understands...of course she understands because that is Nelly's way, right? She speaks of signs, and I plan on disregarding the ones that come my way. I only know of the most important sign of them all: That I am on the right path, and finally headed in the right direction again. When it all comes down to it, I am doing this for me because when the time comes for her, and she sees me for who and what I truly am...then I can look her in the eyes and see the truth for myself. Like I told her - she will either give me mine back, or grant me something in return. I am sorry, but I do hope you understand why I am doing what I am doing. Who am I kidding...of course you understand.

"Para o bom entendedor, meia palavra basta."
- Brasilian saying

A life less forgotten...

Have you ever walked under the cover of rain, and used it as an excuse to freely taste your tears? The last time I did that, I was thinking about the same person as I was today...funny that. There I was, sitting across from her today, when we began our normal routine of learning of who we are, once again. As we sat there, she told me that a friend of hers came up to her last night, and asked if we were together. I was standing across from her at that point, talking to another friend of hers. She looked over at me and said, "No, we are not." The same girl then asked her if I had been hurt before, and Nelly just looked at her; and then I am thinking, she must have looked at me. Is my surface such a slick and glossy veneer, that a person who met me moments before could read that from me? Huh...How many souls are out there that believe their life is judged by another person, family, business, and money? That you must have all these things in order to complete yourself, that you want all these things and will not settle for nothing less. Me? I need other things in my life of a more solid base; to know myself when I look in the mirror, to know that when it came down to walking the extra mile I ran it instead. So, when I stand in front of my maker, I can tell him that I made myself in the best image I knew; my own. To do this, I now know what I must do. I do not believe in being a part of the controlled flock of the masses, but to seperate myself, I must first wage myself into the mix; and rip my life back for my own. Then stand there, and watch as it pants after being winded from its narrow escape, and smiling at me. I owe it to myself, and frankly, no one else. But, I did come to a conclusion on my walk in the rain today. I do owe something to somebody, and it is a debt that will take more than I could have ever imagined of myself. It is to the same woman who granted me life, the same one who is always my biggest fan, and always in my corner. Over four years ago, I hung up the phone and thought I would never hear his voice again; I didn't want to, and even felt like I had done more than my part. Then today, I realized that I am wrong. If I truly want to take my life into my own hands, and rebuuild it, then I must start from the very beginning. It is only suiting that I find out what it is about the man, that would make her decide to have his children. I mean, she is an angel, and so must have seen some good in him, right? So, for her, and maybe a little tiny bit for myself, I will go that extra mile, once again. I cannot let our last words be like that, but I guess that will only be up to him to decide. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance, right? Head up, shoulders straight...now march. Hold on McGinty. Hold on. "Will you take me by the hands and say you understand? Or will you try and drive me down unto my knees? These are chances I must take, and I know I must not forsake your right to do and feel just what you please...But I don't have a lot of time to right the wrongs I left behind; to undo all the damage I have done...So I am calling you to ask for your forgiveness - is that too much to ask of your son? Hey I will be in town tomorrow, can you meet me at the station? There is something I would like to talk to you about..." - Bruce Guthro

Standing on my own...

Just when you think you are all alone in the world, you are proven wrong. I felt like it a few days ago, when everything that has been building up in the last seven months, kind of teemed over its boiling point. A different expectation, a new ideology, old surroundings, minus mountains - these are all the things my eyes have witnessed as of late. I realized that I am not doing what I am meant to be doing, and on top of that, I have no idea what it is I am meant to be doing. So, it seems like the perfect time to switch directions, no? When I spoke of returning to the West Coast, I didn't really mean it, not right now, anyway; and when I talked of travelling down to California, I meant in a few years time. I am here for the next duration of four, maybe five years, unless someone offers me a book-deal in the meantime. I plan on finishing my third draft of my first novel, and then networking that abroad. Like the way I am networking my website - only soon, it will be on a higher level. You know, business cards, and stickers et al. So far, it has been more of my diary, online for all to see, and that is cool for me. I need to hear what people think of my writings, and how they think I may improve them. Soon, I will start to plant seeds of what is to come, and eventually start to set my future straight. For now, I sit and write, and get ready for the end of my first school year, and the upcoming exams. I give thanks to the woman who is investing in my future and who has never given up on me. So, how could I give up now and let her down, hmm?

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Only after you have lost everything are you free to do anything."
- Tyler Durden

Trinity sessions...

I was walking through school this weekend when I spied posters for a discussion on the "Passion of Christ". It intrigued me, and so I headed to the spot on the appointed day, and was only a few minutes late. There were only two girls there, and as I sat down, one had to get up and leave. I made the best of it and proceeded to have a conversation on theology, the life of Christ, the Bible, and especially spirituality...specifically spirituality. I believe that is the true religion people have to embrace because it is the one that comes from within, from your own beliefs and ideas, not from those that were fed to us as children. That it is up to us to walk the road ahead, make our mistakes, and realize that it is okay; that if we slip and fall, we will not be persecuted for our "sins". How will you know if something is wrong if you don't know first-hand? There is a difference between knowing what the road looks like and actually understanding what it feels like under your feet. Just remember the most important thing about who you are - that we are human, and that we are allowed to let down our guards occasionally; that it is okay to have a bad day sometimes. It took a good friend to tell me that yesterday, on a day when I was on little sleep, and the stress of the world led me on the wrong path. Is it normal to forget who you are sometimes? Yeah, it is...and that is so hard to admit but it is needed in the same breath. It is all I can at times; that is, breathe in and breathe out. It is concrete for me, allows me to concentrate on one little act, and attempt to empty my thoughts. They keep me up at night when my defenses are down and out of sight. Just breathe, Todd...just breathe.

Here is why I am finding it hard to breathe - usually, at this time of year, I am in the makings of a major decision. I am deciding whether or not I will move to another location, or return to school. Now, here I am, so desperately wanting to travel and knowing I have to stay put; for the time being, at least. I mentioned yesterday that part of me wants to pack it all up and head back to the West Coast. Nelly looked at me and her eyes searched mine, then said, "You know that is just running away, right?" Once again, how does someone who has only known you for a short time, come to understand you so well? So, yeah, I will be staying here but then right after I am done my commitment to my future I have other plans. I plan on saving money in between now and then, so when it is all said and done, I can buy an old clunker, and bomb my way down the East Coast to the West Coast of California. From there, I will leave everything behind for awhile, and head off on my own walk-about again. Maybe check out the South American Coast for a few months, then ride in the Andes for another, and then make my way to the Orient and teach English for a year. Then, after I have made some money and have some in the bank, I might just head back to the original homeland and share a pint of Guiness with a beautiful Irish lass, and make some cute little Irish kids and...Snap, there I go again, getting way ahead of myself. Breathe Todd, just breathe.

Hold on McGinty. Hold on.

"Every problem has a gift for you in its hands."
- Richard Bach

Dropping into the gnar...

Ever drop off a pillow of snow, to a fifteen foot cascade, in which you hit about 30 kilometers? Through a tree run, no less? Where the snow was so deep and soft that you were riding, not snowboarding; gliding, not surfing. The whole time the snow is falling so fat...because the woods you are in are so dense, that they are a tropical snow forest. To me it is the ultimate expression of freedom for the mind, body, and soul of snowboarding. Remembering how that line felt in its infancy, when you were just beginning to hover a surface, leaving a small slash behind you. The genesis of speed, and looking board lengths in front to pick your exit, which is rapidy approaching not twenty metres away. Slicing and checking the mad-on-rush of fuel-pumped-adrenaline, you spy the passage out of this playground in the distance. You lean back tail heavy, back-foot a guided weight, and throw up a rooster of white behind you; up in a plume, falling over your shoulder into your eyesight., and obscurring your vision. But, the line was picked way back when, and you know where to turn, check and jump, right? Bursting between two trees, off that same pillow-top, to land with a whoosh, picking up more speed into the bowl below. Digging deep into the gnar and glancing off, around, and over the buried, small saplings in your path. Here the snow is open with a soft, fluffy base of white; but, it is so deep, it is profound.

That is a memory I had with me today, as I walked along the Bedford Bay, getting drenched in the rainstorm that constitutes spring in the East Coast. An image of riding in Whistler, of last March when it snowed 20 straight days there. And I rode 24 of 29 of them in a row, knowing it would be my last full season in a while.

While I was walking ( and since I can multi-task with the best of them), I started to think about how we can achieve balance in the world - even in our own lives, for that matter. I think it is about those who do understand, and those that do not. At any given points in our lives, we will be both...sometimes both at the same time, as one dawns over the other. Some just want it more than others and others just let it come to them. Makes sense, right? Things change in our lives, and we all must come to conclusions about them, instead of letting them lie as a sleeping dog might. It is funny how this all came from a memory about riding big mountains, beautiful, lush fields of snow...where was I again? Oh yeah, that in those times I would ride, nothing else mattered except my line, my friends, and my family. Depending on the situation, not all necessarily in that order. I am apart of that new breed, the new-age-hippy that embraces technology not sneering at it. A spirituality in which religion is nature: surrounding oceans, salty and clear; distant mountains, green and near. Look at that, I am a poet and didn't know it.

Hey, did you know that Ernesto "Che" Guevara once made a trip around Northern Argentina, by bicycle no less, when he was only 21 years of age? Huh...the things you might find out if only you took the time to read.

"The free lance writer is the one who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps."
- Robert Benchley

Guerrilla tactics...

Imagine watching birds circle overhead on a hot and sunny, summer morning...now imagine seeing the same image framed by the bars of your prison cell window. Such is the fate of Sherman Austin, a 20 year-old student of life; not a conformer or a matyr, but a believer. His is the story of stolen youth - of prosecution, litigation, and now, seemingly, persecution. Sherman was only interested in advising against wrongful propaganda, and instead found his rights to "freedom of speech" revoked. If the intelligence of one such as Austin is repressed, then where is the world headed? Austin started a website (www.raisethefist.com), in which his main objective was only to inform, educate, and forewarn the coming of our future; and instead someone found a loophole to squelch his voice. Unknowingly, one of his sponsored links led to another called the "Reclaim Guide", a bible of sorts on how to make rudimentary bombs, and various methods of disrupting protests. This lead the FBI to believe Austin was the author of how to instigate and cause anarchy; that the young man was on a mission and that his goal was to blow up, to dissolve the Utah Winter Olympics...please, are you serious? Did they ever take the time to really listen to his words? I have not even yet as I only learned of his plight as of yesterday. The more I look into it, the wider my eyes grow with disbelief.

The totalitarian regime that is the United States is out of control - the idea of George Orwell's "1984", is coming true to life before our very eyes. We are the "Big Brother", with our 24 hour "total reality" view on modern day life; our ability to gaze into a person's privacy is open for one and all to see on prime-time television. So many people out there are sheep, following the pack with their head down, eyes closed, and content to graze on the controlled means of information. Then, you have someone valiant and ballsy enough as Austin to come along, rock the system a tad, and he is put behind bars; his balls now placed on the cutting block for all to see as an example. Think of Ernesto "Che" Guevara, a doctor, a revolutionist, a man whose patriotism was so strong that they ended in his execution - and after his death the cutting away of his hands and feet as an example, once again. But they could never cut away his voice, and that his words were stronger than their swords. Upon looking for more information on Guevara, I came across his writings, and and...my god, the man was taken from us because he spoke the truth. He sought balance in human life, a sense of individual control over one's ideas, and that education was the key to all locks. These are the people that are put down, silenced, and left to die while they rot away under their chains. But what about the masses? Are we not larger and stronger than the power elite? Are there not a multitude amongst us that believes in fabricating the right path so that others may emulate our lead? Stand up and fight for what is yours; the right to speech, the right to education of the soul, and fight against the mental slavery of the masses. Become a shepherd, and not one of the flock. The revolution has only yet begun is only in its infancy stages, my friends. It is in mine, at the very least, and will only grow from here...Knowledge is the key and now just show me the lock.

"To sum up, the fault of artists and intellectuals lies in their original sin: They are not truly revolutionary. We can try to graft the elm tree so that it will bear pears, but at the same time we must plant pear trees. New generations will come who will be free of the original sin. The probabilities that great artists will appear will be greater to the degree that the field of culture and the possibilities for expression are broadened." - Ernesto "Che" Guevara

The long walk-about...

Home means so much to every different person, but what does it mean to you? Emotions and feelings are the same for every person, yet on an individual level they are so much more. What is happiness to as compared to me? What makes you sad may not necessarily bring tears to my eyes, right? So why then, do people lump themselves into a big old batch with the rest of the world? We are as opposite from each other in any way possible shape or form...it is the understanding of these ideas that keep us connected. That we all, at various points in our lives, have felt an emotion that rocked us to our very core. We have felt such joy that life has never felt better than it does at that very moment; a contentment in who we are, what we are doing, and, of course, where we are headed. This is the first time in years that I will be in place for longer than a season, for longer than nine months. I called my friend Butta the other day and she apologized for not having called me in a while. In Whistler, time does not exist, my man. You have time for beginning of season, and then you need to figure out what you will do with the time you will have left after season. I am always writing about the anamoly called time, but we all do lose way too many hours debating its meaning. Blah blah blah and some yadda yadda yadda and you may get my drift. I just want to make it home again one day, soar amongst the skies once again, and feel my heart be free from the moorings that so desperately want to keep it tied down. Cut it all free, and throw off your shoes...go for a walk-about on a sunny morning, feel the soft grass under your heels, or maybe a sandy beach - where ever you go, just make sure to pack a light lunch in case you get hungry along the way. You never know how long you might be gone for, right? Or if you even want to return to from whence you came.

"Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough, but not baked in the same oven."
- Yiddish Proverb

Born before the wind...

Numbness: Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent

I sat and listened to her words last night until the early morning came...At one point she asked me where I was, and when I said I was lying in bed, she told me to get up and go to my front door. When I got there, I saw it was snowing outside, and told her so. She said, "Yeah, Todd, someone shook the bubble." I stood there for a few minutes, my head pressed against the door still, and remembered the days when someone would shake the bubble. I would wake up to the sounds of cannons booming in the not-so-far-distance, and knew it was going to be a great day. They would drop their bombs to loosen snow and make it possible for the riders to lay their fresh lines...You know the people; the ones sitting in the chair lift with you, while you are terrified by the buffeting winds and the ever-so-bitter-cold, wondering why you didn't go to Bali for your vacation this year; and we are the ones next to you hollering and screaming into the wind, full of piss and vinegar, and waiting to go rip up the gnar.

Yet, there I was last night, so removed from that place, and instead, standing inside while looking out at a parking lot slowly fill up with the white fluffy white powder I love so much. She even said as much, that, "I know it makes you happy when it snows, Todd." How does someone come to know you so well when they have only known you for so long? Is it because I put my heart out there too much, too easy, and for the last time? Yes, that's right...for the last time. This man has been through much in too short of time to go through it all again. I say it here, for all to see, that I give up the search and let her return to me. That doesn't mean the one who is now to be leaving in a short time either; for I do not believe she is returning to me after all. I only await her return for she is the safe-keeper of something I have no need of right now, and at least, I know she will keep it in a harbour of safe passage.

I never knew when it would be that I would come to this place. It is horrible, and not so nice, but at least, there is no more sadness involved. Now, I can shut off that which has begged to be closed for so long, and yet in all my selfishness, I could not acquiesce. But now? Now is a different story, as I heard words last night that I was unexpecting to hear, yet knew they would not be far away. Angels fall from the sky all the time, did you know that? They want to know what it feels like to be human, to feel pain, to know sadness; to not be so perfect anymore. For some benign reason, some seem to fall right into this man's lap because this is the second one to fall on me in the last four years. Make sense to me though because who is to say that I have not fallen myself during that same time. Now, I will walk again, go and find who I am again, and finally mend my broken wings. Maybe someday, someone will ask me again what pears taste like to me...and really want to know the answer. Feel the north wind blowing and see me standing strong in its breeze.

"Now the wind it is blowing, blowing leaves from the trees
I have got no use knowing that in time it will ease
I don't know where I'm going
I hope I get there soon
For my soul is as hollow as the sorrowful moon"
- David Gray