Lo and behold...it beats again.
I lay awake at nights now and listen to my heart beat ever so fast. I think of her smile and it beats faster. I hear her laughter and it beats faster still. I remember her touch and it beats through the surface of my skin.
Is this what it is truly meant to be like? Is this what it feels like to have another recognize your worth...to recognize your soul? Are our jaws meant to hurt this much because we are always smiling in pure happiness? Only time will tell but so far it has told me oh so much. The following is a story about the beginnings of a friendship and a true romance. Here you go and may you enjoy.
I have never been one to shy away from emotion - not mine, not yours, and not anyone else's for that matter. Emotion is what makes us human; it is what makes us raw; it is what makes our senses come alive with expression. Anger helps us realize anger is unnecessary; sadness allows us to taste ever-so-sweet pain; and happiness permits us to fly with angels.
Emotions are real. They remind us all that life is real.
But love as an emotion has never really lasted as a tangible for me...love for me has always been a handful of sand slipping through the tiny cracks in my tightly clenched fist. I have stood on a beach full of crystal but yet always ended up with the same result...lost through my fingers and lost in my life. I would stay the same while the other person would change. Or maybe we were always two completely different people not fated to be in this world.
Time always told the tale. My heart always paid the price. Still I soldiered on.
It was only a month ago that I had admitted the fact I was done with it for a while: done with the casual hello and the painful goodbye, done with the changing of self for the sake of another, and done with sleepless nights worrying how another may think. I told my self it was not worth it to put a soul through that anymore. I decided the next time would be with someone who recognized my worth. That it would be someone who took me for who I am.
I told my self that it was time to give up the search. I had searched high and low, through separate countries, and through Mountains and over seas. It was just a silly dream I told my self. Yes, sure, it brought me to so many places, and so many interesting, exciting memories were made, but in the end, was all the pain and loss worth it? Would it not be worth more to let it go and leave it behind so I could progress forward instead of staying in the same spot?
So I decided it was time to walk alone and if that meant walking alone for a lifetime then so be it. I placed my trust in the Universe and kept moving forward...one foot in front of the other. Smiling at life. Always smiling at what it brings me no matter what else comes my way. I would never give up on love because deep down inside I knew it would never give up on me.
I knew that if she was really out there waiting for me then it would have to be her that came to find me this time. If she was out there then she would make her self known.
Then it happened: a chance meeting on a cold winter evening. Lingering moments spent in a mirrored reflection of two familiar souls passing in the night. I listened in awe as she told me her want for someone to recognize her for true worth...her want for someone to take her as she is. I felt my breath catch in my throat as her words rang clear to the depths of my being. As she spoke, I felt my heart speed up ever so slightly.
It has not stopped its mad frantic race ever since.
Her eyes tell a different story from any other I have ever heard. They dance with mischief; they blaze with passion; and they hold mine in a deep embrace. Her eyes tell me she recognizes my worth and her words echo my unspoken thoughts. Her fingers brush against everything I have ever held true in my beliefs about what love was...and then it holds that belief ever so gently in the palm of her hand.
She is present in her emotion - she does not shy away from it nor does she hide it away from others. She is real. I have no idea what time holds for us. I only know what I have seen in this lifetime...I only know we are one in the same.
We fit.
I think of a life with her by my side. Not in front of me or behind me but right alongside of me. Walking and talking; laughing and smiling. There are not enough toes in the world to count off the ways she makes me happy...there are not enough hours in the day to spend with her in my presence. For every hard goodbye and parting of ways comes a smiling hello and hours full of special seconds. We make it all count. We leave nothing to chance. We talk. We listen. We grow.
And my heart beats faster and faster...faster and faster still.
I am still the same person. I still lift my legs when I drive over railyway tracks. I still hold the door open for people. I still wake in the morning and give thanks for life and all it offers. But she inspires an already inspired man to reach more; to achieve more; to accomplish his dreams. She is still the same person. She smiles at everyone she sees. She believes that love is not meant to be buried but appreciated and nurtured so it can grow for all to see. Together we become something more...something special.
Believe that love exists and show your friends and family that you care for them. Hug and laugh with them. Don't change who you are for someone else and remember to breathe in life. It will show you the way to your dreams. Until we meet again, my friends, until we meet again.
"Do you remember when we first met...I sure do. It was some time in early September. Well you were lazy about it you made me wait around...I was so crazy about you I didn't mind."
- Jack Johnson
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