Rainbows and Butterflies

It is not fun to wake up with a headache; to sleep with a headache; to breathe with a headache; or to even study with a headache. It is not fun to live with a daily reminder of a whacked out night lost in the shifting sands of time. But, although I am used to living life with these headaches, I made a vow years ago to never let them dictate my life.

Now in my present days, I feel that vow bending at times as the pain becomes constant and oh so overbearing. When the thud just thumps and the lights become bright; when the interesting conversation is unfortunately lost to the stimulation of a racing heart beat.

But we are only truly responsible for one thing in this life: to adapt; to overcome; and to evolve. We can either shoulder the responsibility of working harder when the level of responsibility increases or we can throw our cards in and call it a game. It is up to us; up to you; up to me. How we walk with our heads high is determined by the individual. This is how I do it. Here you go, and may you enjoy.

When even the slightest touch from a loved one brings with it a grasp of pain; when even the lightest kiss brings with it a wary cringe of the eyebrow. These are the days when only darkness brings with it relief. A want to shut away from the world and sleep the madness away into the depths of time. But no. That would be giving up.

So yesterday I stayed awake and fought through the heavy press of eyelids, stayed awake through the insistent nag of a digging blade behind my eyes, and I stayed awake to read and edit an old life. I did what I always do: write, write, and write some more.

It is the sweetest love in my life. To take thoughts and place them in print, to read a life that seems so alien to me yet I recognize it as my own. It is when I forget the pain, it is when I forget the loss of love, and it is when I remember that it feels so good to be alive.

It will not end me. I will not allow it. It is not in the act of refusal that I take strength but in the intention of being something more. They can poke and prod me to find empty answers to questions I have asked many many times. They can even call me a medical mystery. I already know I am a walking miracle. Nothing will ever stop me from reaching my goals.

Not even the constant thump, thump, thumping of blinding white lights ripping and surging through my memories. No. Never. I am too strong for it. For all my human frailties and limitations I refuse to let anything but my goals shine the way for me. Even as the candle burns brightly in front of me I will ignore the dripping hot wax coating my hand.

I will do my best to ignore the pain.

A quick look into self to recognize strength is all we need in the end. To recognize the shift in our direction, to adapt to that shift, to overcome and evolve. In front of us lies the road to all of our questions; the road to all of our dreams. If we let it wear us down, if we let it stop us when life is at its hardest and the storm rages on and on, if we let it beat us, well; then we have truly lost. Find your own strength, my friends, find it when the day is long, and find it when the night is black and dark.

Find it in your self. Fight. Never give in. Fight damn it. Fight. In the end, it is life that we fight to live; it is life that we fight to understand. Never stop questioning and never stop dreaming. When it is all said and done, pain is only weakness leaving your body. Until we meet again, my friends, until we meet again.

"Well I woke up this morning, rainbows filled the sky. Yes I woke up this morning and rainbows filled the sky. And there was God telling me "everything's going to be alright." - Jack Johnson