Coming of Winter

Swirling leaves blew up all around me. Rain pounded on my windshield. My thoughts ran back in time to only a week ago; a time when my whole world turned black for three days. A slight thud pounded above my eyes. I squinted through the sheets and did my best to ignore. I remembered what I am not allowed to forget.

The colours of autumn passed in front of my eyes and the wind whistled through a crack in the window. I lost my self in its current and faded back to only days ago.

Drugs. Pain. Loss of sleep. Stress. Compassion. Blackness. All of it in only seventy two hours of my life. The story of how I lost most of them in the hazy shadows of a bad bad headache. Here you go, and may you enjoy.

My headaches have always been the bane of my existence since childhood. Migraines they are called. I only wish I was so lucky to have one of these migraines because mine are much, much...much worse. Yet it is always the same diagnosis and the same prescription of ineffective drugs. Yet always the same end result.

They had been absent as of late and I began to hope they were on extended leave. I sat in my class last week when it hit me. An insane line of splintered pain ran across the back of my head to the front of my skull. It slashed a razor arc between my eyes and then just sat there. It pulsated slightly but not so slightly that I did not feel its insistent message: I am here it said. And I am here to stay for a while this time.

I sat numbed in my class, aware of the voices in the room, assaulted by the bright white lights, and acknowledged there would soon be a full systems shut-down. I stumbled to the campus doctor, grabbed some minor drugs, went home for more, and called my best friend the Paramedic. He shuttled me to the hospital for nine hours of wait, wait and wait some more. Throw in some more drugs, this time of the heavier kind, and top it off with a catscan whirring over my head.

Drowsy and drugged, I fell into a coma for a couple of hours. I woke in a hospital bed with synthetic heroin in my bloodstream and away we go. The next morning I headed to school, and walked like the living dead have arisen. Pain now a common presence as I shuffled slowly and my personal Paramedic kept a tight vigil at my side. I go to the campus doctor once again for more tests, more of the same drugs, and then suddenly found myself washing dishes in the dark.

Blessed darkness. Windows shut tight, blinds pulled close, and a pillow over my head to block any remaining light. Then black...nothing but a sweet starless sky. My roomates told me they rock papered scissored to go in my room and see if I was alive. Yet I only knew eighteen hours of exquisite blackness. I was out cold.

It has been over a week now since then.

I wish I could tell you pain has left but I would be a liar. I wish I could tell you it lingers ever so lightly but it has me tight in its jaws. Every now and then it gives me a good shake to remind me to continue on no matter the cost. Don't give in to anything it says because I never will.

I will find a way to one day ease the mandibles of pressure and when I do the whole world will know. But for now I breathe a little harder, think a little deeper, and smile through it all. I won't let it be my maker. Only I can be that.

Be strong. Work harder and work another way. Be resilient. Be a foundation for others to build upon. Be yourself. Fight damn it; fight through it until the wall is crumbling all around you. Then build anew. Until we meet again, my friends, until we meet again.

"Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit." - Bernard Williams