Melancholy dreams...

Accountability or blame? I think it all comes down to choice...making a decision to realize what matters most, and acting accordingly from there. Here, people, here is a little taste of what it is really like in my thoughts and aspirations, and a little more of the dream that haunts my waking hours. Here you go, and may you enjoy...

I thought that it was lying dormant, that my actions as of late had laid some sort of muzzle on it. Then, tonight, of all nights, it comes back and lets me know that it is never going to truly go away; that it has too much meaning in my life to erode like dust on the winds. Funny, but I am actually happy to know that it is still there, whether it be in the back of my conscious, or in the forefront; either way it is not something I really wanted to say goodbye to...I mean, how could I? She deserves more than that, right? Right.

So, in one hand, I can blame all the impostors who have come and gone in my life, to make my life that much easier to live. That it was them all along who caused strife, pain, and all that other crap that happens at the end of a relationship...or, I could do what I have been as of late; imagining the dream was a fallacy, a myth, and maybe that it never even happened in the first place. But, ignoring something does not necessarily solve the problem either. So, I will do what is needed to continue on. I will hold my head up high, keep my secret near, and believe that one day she will walk into my life...and that I will be ready for it when she does. If I am to be honest with myself, then it is to admit that I am not ready; not quite yet. I need to sit back against my sturdy oak tree, breathe in my surroundings, and work on the whittling of my internal demons; release their hold on me like shavings falling to the earth under my feet. I realize that they all have had their purpose in my time, that they all came for a reason; to teach an old soul some new tricks, and to open my eyes to what is around me. To show me that it need not always be a race, that sometimes it is all about slowing down, and to remember rule number #2: There is no need to rush.

It is with this knowledge that my thoughts feel lighter tonight, and that I know things will happen in their own good time. I accept that the choice comes down to me, and to me only...for it has always has, and always will. Have you ever had something grab you by the laurels, pull you up off your heiney, and make you attack life with a force you have never felt before? Made everything spin all about until you felt nauseous, but for some reason, you refused to get off the ride? If you have, then you have only the lightest inkling as to what pushes me forward; to what makes me force my head up, straighten my shoulders...and march. Always forward, never looking back, for the dream is in the forefront, and never in the back of the pack.

So, here is my question that I will supply my own answer to in the next posting...what is it that we feel makes us alive? Is it the thoughts of what may be, what once was, or what the moment entails? What makes you wake up every morning and give thanks for the coming day? Huh...until we meet again, people, until we meet again.

"And when man faces destiny, destiny ends and man comes into his own."
- Andre Malraux